i like this piece a lot! I hv always inspired to write fantasy genres and this is good! talking about immortality and things are just my thing! keep it up! keep writing

Yo, FI here. Okay, here's my opinion. This poem didn't really have a meaning (like my poem 'Blood Stained Skies' talked about the violence and war in this world) unless it's your signature poem, a description of you. Poems are better if they're set to a rhyming meter, it makes them easier to read. Some parts didn't flow well. And I would have to say I agree with Lily Lady of Legend, the incomplete sentences distract--you jump from one idea to another. But overall it's pretty decent. Keep on writing and reading other poems!

~Fading Innocence

'dazzle me with your hypocrisy'

Wow, I absolutely LOVE this poem! As you said, the rhyme scheme is a bit off, but I think that it just makes it more unique and likable, as opposed to most poems, where unpatterned rhyming seems unflowing.

Awesome job!

Overall a pretty decent poem. True, the rhyming is a bit all over the place, but what rhymed was nice. Keep trying! :)

Huh. Last line is the best. I'm terribly sorry, but I have to be brutal...The incomplete sentences distract. You keep wondering, 'where's the last phrase?' and look for THAT instead of the admittedly convoluted meaning. It doesn't make much sense, but that probably is the purpose of poetry, anyway. It's not terrible, but the subject keeps changing...