Reviews for A Dark Knight's Tale: Part 2

Reviews For: A Dark Knight's Tale: Part 2 - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

1Fallen 2007-04-10 ch 1,	abusewow i love it :). lol who wants hawk for dinner..i swear it tastes like chicken lol. That is really good though!
JJSLAM2129 2007-03-25 ch 15,	abuseWell, since this is three part series, I figured Chris would survive. There were a few times were some descriptions could have been added to make it a little more dramatic, but that's your style; I'll leave you to it. A few apostrapheses were missing (y'know, the kind that show possession?) such as "Veil calmed down, taking Jacob[']s word". The language I also had a little trouble with. I have yet to see a language where "jkgy" were slapped together and it actually made a coherent word. If the words they're speaking are part of the common tongue, then there's no need to create a new language. So, part three? Can't wait, keep it up! ( :: )
King of Kings 2007-03-25 ch 15,	abuseGreat chapter, written well. I'm glad Chris will survive. The description of the Purge were very good - well done. Looking forward to the final part of this story! ;)
JJSLAM2129 2007-03-17 ch 14,	abuseNever really liked stupid guards... They always make the protagonists look good and skilled, even if they aren't. The descriptions have gotten better, just don't forget about placing commas before you refer to a person. A good chapter overall so keep up the great work! ( :: )
King of Kings 2007-03-16 ch 14,	abuseGreat chapter - the descriptions were very good. Just be careful about your commas...before somebody says someone else's name, such as 'Do you know Maria?', it should be 'Do you know, Maria'. Put a comma before that person says the other's name. Otherwise, in this case, it seems as though he's asking if he knows Maria. Careful with that. Otherwise, great chapter, the final scene with Veil strangling the guard was quite amusing. Well done, continue soon! ;)
JJSLAM2129 2007-02-22 ch 13,	abuseNot as much nice details as the last chapter, and I do have a few things to argue about. First off, using magic while injured. I find this a common feature in fantasy nowadays that characters can seem to perform at optimal level, no matter how severe the injury, simply because it only takes a few words to perform the spell. Simple. Easy. Convienent. Problem with that is, ignoring their injuries just makes the character seem too superhuman. Magic is about manipulating the elements around you so if you get injured, you probably will have a tough time using it. Yes, I realise that he has to reside in a wheelchair (meaning he obviously is severely injured), but that those injuries have no affect on anything else he's doing? Seriously. Issue number two, the iron cuff (or basically Chris's kryptonite). Chris has all these wonderful abilities of a Dark Knight, has the power of the Loreian and for the most part seems pretty unstoppable. Yet now comes a long this pair of iron cuffs that just suddenly cut off his abilities. This just further exacerbated my annoyance with the above issue. Chris has to have some sort of limit to his magic, and no, the magic being evil is not a flaw. The third issue I already stated: lack of detail. For the fourth problem, I'd like to bring up the idea of dedication to one's ideals. These Asiwia patrol officers don't seem very dedicated. They say their job is to eliminate Que people (especially Dark Knights), and yet they willingly let Chris go see the rebel leader (albeit handcuffed). Why, because he's the hero of the story? Are they honestly that stupid to let a memebr of the enemy get that close to their leader? They shouldn't be taking demands from the enemy! Otherwise, we're a long ways away from the end, so let's just see what can happen! ( :: )
King of Kings 2007-02-22 ch 13,	abuseGood chapter - a little short. Oh well, I cannot wait to see what happens when Chris meets with the rebel leader, and when - if - Veil discovers Chris's transformations into the monster. Keep it up! ;)
JJSLAM2129 2007-02-18 ch 12,	abuseEditing grammar wise for this chapter: Completely fine Editing story wise: Not as good I know this'll all depend on how long they were actually down there, think about it tho'. Assuming they've only been down there an hour or two, and several inches has settled, that would make for blizzard conditions, not exactly ideal for hunting, let alone battling an evil demon. 1-2in snow is about 2-3in rain roughly.And what exactly are a large group of pig like animals doing out on a very cold, wintery day unless they're made for the cold? With the frostbite: Although it is believeable, you'd figure they'd be prepared and dress properly. They'd have to either very stupid or undersupplied to not be prepared. Plus, for frostbite to set in so quickly (if he go it from his boots being ripped to shreds by his nails), it's got to be pretty cold and/or windy. Near the end, you made it sound like the frostbite knocked him out. While the pain for frostbite is intense, if he's as strong as he is, I don't think it would make him pass out. So, can Doom actually be involved if he's dead, like Chris claims him? We'll just have to wait and see! ( :: )
King of Kings 2007-02-17 ch 12,	abuseYou did much better with this part, great job. I believe this is the third time I've said this, but this story certainly got more interesting with this part - his whole tranformation and all, and about Doom - is he not dead? Only one question - what exactly is a Loreian? Or these Oins? Maybe you could clarify this for me? The Loreian was described, but the Oins weren't. I'm a little confused. Other than that, great job, good writing, hope to see more of this soon! ;)
JJSLAM2129 2007-01-25 ch 11,	abuseI love seeing your use of alternatives/synonyms for "said". It makes the whole feel of the story seem so much better. The main problem with this chapter is the balance of time. Despite the fact that they are in a middle of a battle, the whole thing seems like it's gone by too fast. I had a little trouble with the scene at the beginning: " Veil was keeping the girl in the crows nest company. She thought she might be lonely. Then a call from the crows nest said; “Prepare for battle! Frigate one league from ship!” " Two things about it: - The transition between your talking about Veil keeping the crow's nest girl company to the call was a little chaky. Why not have the two of them chat a little, have Veil or the girl spot the Frigate and make a call down to the deck? - Calls don't say things. Maybe "Chris heard a call from the crow's nest:" would be better, since he is the next one to speak after that. The whole “Loiwe tuy Frigate.” thing... was that some sort of spell to make the frigate sink? You'd figure a foreign language would have some sort of translation for 'frigate'. “Archers[,] rally and fire on my command!” This is an example of something you did a lot in this chapter, forgetting the command comma. Basically anytime you direct a statement to someone, the written pattern would be "Name, command!" Don't forget the comma! Chris's visit to the hospital... lacks a lot in feeling. It basically says to me "Yeah, a bunch of people are hurt" without any of Chris's thoughts... makes me feel a little detached from him as a character. Any comments or concerns, feel free to PM. Keep it up! ( :: )
JJSLAM2129 2007-01-14 ch 10,	abuseAlright, I like where the story is headed. Everyone loves a fight, right? As for the grammar, nothing really worth mentioning, but your biggest downfall for this chapter was sentence structure. Nearly all of them were simple. for instance, in the very beginning were you talk about Terrie's features, the sentences all started off with 'Her'. Personally, that gets boring. Try at least combining the sentences, or think of different ways to say what you've said. The whole Chris explaining his past relationship with Tarrie seemed a little forced. You sure you couldn't have just had Chris think about it, then tell her to leave? You also do this again when Chris is fighting the soldiers. Hm, I wonder something, tho'. If Terrie has feelings for Chris, and Chris only has feelings for Veil (assuming he doesn't like Terrie anymore), Veil better watch herself! 0o0oh, chick fight scene! About languages: If you have a foreign language in your book, you don't have to have a character translate it aloud. When someone else doesn't understand the language, write it in the language then translate it into the common tounge (English). Otherwise, if it's a language they both know (assuming Chris and Terrie both understand the Dark Knight language), then just write it in English; don't bother having a character translate it. The plot has turned out excellent! Keep on writing! ( :: )
Miss Rachel 2007-01-04 ch 9,	abuseI read both part one and two and you have an interesting concept. Yay. Some critiques I saw were that you capitilize the first word after a quotation. Ex. BAD--> "Hello, I like cake," Said she. Good!--> "Hello, I like CHOCOLATE cake," she exclaimed. Even when there's a quotation mark or of that sort, you still leave the first word lowercase. I've noticed as you go along, you add more detail. So that's always good. It'll be better if you emphasize a little more the dialouge between people and how they reacted. It also seems like you are missing quite a few commas. D: I was reading through and you might not think there's supposed to be a comma there...but there is. >
JJSLAM2129 2007-01-04 ch 9,	abuseOh, snap! Another person from Chris' past? Well, let's hope she's nice and doesn't try to kill him like the last one. Now, I hope to God Chris is just having a dream through the person who really attacked those people... Then again, I wouldn't be surprized if it really was him doing all that killing. Okay, grammar wise, not much. Only one thing really caught my attention. ...“Chris?” Veil said [asked][,] “Are you okay[?] [Y]ou look pale[.]”... I think there was another quote that was missing a period in there. In any case, not so bad. I can definently (sp?) see improvement! Keep it up! Update soon! ( :: )
Barek 2006-12-12 ch 8,	abuseInteresting story indeed. I liked the ending though, how Chris wasn't in his own body, very nice. One thing though, you may want to double check your stories for your tenses. Such as in the third to last paragraph, you say: He jumped on the husband and bite him in his neck with razor sharp teeth. In that case, bite needs to be bit. For bite is present tense, and you are writing in past. Keep up the good writing though. :)
Barek 2006-12-12 ch 7,	abuseAlright, the Turin fellow here sounds like he could turn out to be very cool. But I have a question, isn't it usually the people that hire someone to pay for everything? Is there a reason Turin is offering to pay for things, and being so nice to offer them shelter?

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