Reviews for Sanctuary - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Sanctuary - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

The baava Project 2007-04-13 ch 12,	Yep. Can't figure Joely out. She's definitely an interesting one! It's a shame the story halted here. I do hope that, wherever you are, you're doing well and will be able to someday complete this! The idea is intriguing, and there are enough loose strings to keep a reader interested to the end. cheers, baava One more nitpick. Not a huge deal. [frappachino] I'm not sure if you spelled the word this way or not. When I look up "frappaccino," I find that it's a Starbucks-coined phrase. Just so you know.
The baava Project 2007-04-13 ch 11,	Wow, totally action-packed chapter here! For when you go back to do editing, if you do, a little help. [Glass reigned down on my arm and I yanked my hand back as fast I could.] I think you mean "rained," and "yanked" is a word used five times. I'm curious to see where this talk of peace and a non-existant war are going . . . baava
The baava Project 2007-04-13 ch 9,	Whoops, quick help from me here. [I glanced down, and the fish head staring up from my plate made me wretch onto the tablecloth.] I think you mean, "retch." Wretch is a person. XD baava
The baava Project 2007-04-13 ch 8,	Hiyo! I wanted to come by and keep reading this, since I sort of fell off the planet for a while there. I wasn't going to keep making inane comments on something that's as well-expressed as this. Let's face it - you don't really need my help. (grin) However, this chapter is bothering me a bit. Joely bounces from her "real world" - where she muses that she and her friends didn't build up this kingdom enough while writing it - to "this world." But the way she reacts to Addy doesn't seem to fit. Suddenly, Joely has parents and a duty that mean more to her than a friend who doesn't belong there - just like Joely doesn't belong? Where is her anger coming from? I can't relate at all to how she reacted to Adelaide. "One of my ladies," instead of, "Zomg, my friend did WHAT? Is she okay??" Anyhoo, I'll keep reading. Perhaps my concerns get answered as the story moves along. XD Yours, baava
The baava Project 2006-10-20 ch 6,	hehehehehehe . . . Okay, this chapter got a little confusing, but I did get the humor out of it. I actually did laugh at the little catfight. [I saw him look at me, squint a bit Yah, I’m aimin at you, buddy.] ~ Maybe missing a period here? I like that Scarlett's narration, as she imbibed, became impaired. It's a little tricky, though - I've been drunk, and I can only draw on my own experience, and it isn't really anything like this. However, it fits her character very much. So, I'm not suggesting you change anything. I'm just saying that it was tricky. So, several things are obvious here. The most painful, that Scarlett is out of her league! But that's part of what makes her endearing, because she doesn't give a hoot. Rat and Kitty (whoo, I'd slap the pair of them for having such names!) are an interesting combo, considering we've met Rat already. I'm curious to see where this goes. Are you still mired, by the way? I'll get through what you've got posted and see if the ideas I had are still valid or not. :) ~ LoK
Niek 2006-10-09 ch 9,	Well, I decided that reviewing chapter by chapter would take to long. So here's my review for chapters 3-9. :) I am absolutely in love with this entire plot. I am getting quite sleepy, so I apologize for this short review. Anyway, good job. I look forward to the next update.
Niek 2006-10-09 ch 2,	Oh! Yay! This chapter had a lot more detail than the first one. Okay, so I really don't have any thing to criticize now. :) I can't wait to read more. You're a pretty good writer.
Niek 2006-10-09 ch 1,	Hello there! :) I've been digging through FictionPress for ages trying to find a good story. Finally, after about a week, I stumble across this great story! So yeah. Now that I've got that bit of info out of the way, on to the review! :) - From what I've read so far, this is a truly interesting plot. It certainly doesn't fall into any cliche categories, that's for sure. Your grammatical errors were minimal. But I did notice that this first chapter wast quite vague. If I hadn't read the summary, I would have been completely lost. My suggestion to you is to add a little more detail, or background info, or something, to clarify what's going on. Also, even though this is just the first chapter, you may want to think about adding some more information on your characters here. So far, my knowledge on Pippa, Scarlett, and Tannick is very limited. But I am sure that as I read more, I'll get a better picture. :) So, on I go to Chapter 2! :) (I hope my review isn't harsh. I really like your story, and I'm just trying to help you some. :) )
Rosaline 2006-10-09 ch 9,	Very nicely written chapter. I thought that how eliquite the rouges are is odd becuasze we always think of people like them as ignorent when it comes to schooling but I also remember that Scarlett said that she "liked her characters literate". That could explain why they are all so well spoken. Nice chapter. Keep up the good work.
Rosaline 2006-10-05 ch 8,	Oh no! Dreaded plot twist. Very well written. Maybe a bit more should be looked at into "the weridness". Are the girls starting to just become the characters? Very interesting. Great job!
Writer of Eternal Stories 2006-10-04 ch 3,	It was a good chapter. I like the good descriptions you put in. Keep up!
Rosaline 2006-10-03 ch 7,	Oh now this is just not fair.Too much is implied. What happened? Oh jeez Adelaide what have you gotten yourself into?puts hands over eyesA very well done chapter even though it's got me on pins and needles now. I understand why you wanted to keep it short. Very nice. UPDATE SOON PLEASE! This is killing me!
Writer of Eternal Stories 2006-10-02 ch 2,	I got to read the first two chapters so far. I think this is a good piece of unique work. Authors playing the parts of their characters, it's really good. (Wow, if that happened to me I'd be in serious trouble. I'd probably be dead...)Anyway, I do like this story. You bring the reader in at an interesting point and keep the action coming. Good work! I'll read more chapters tomorrow!
The baava Project 2006-09-28 ch 5,	Hi again! One more today as I sneak in a break at work, hee. Not sure what it is, but I think Pippa's voice is my favorite. :) I find myself reading this chapter faster than the others, only because it's very smooth. And Pippa is a personal preference. Does that make any sense? Sorry if it doesn't. . . . blush Here's a thought: [“Came see what all the fuss’s about,” Rat said.] I thought at first Rat was going to have some kind of dialect or laziness in his speech. Missing TO between CAME and SEE. I was actually a little disappointed to find his speech is just as clear as that of Pippa or Tannick. HEE. An arrogance could easily be shown in bad diction, but that's only a suggestion. Remember that! :D Only Ten-chan's opinion, and nothing more. [The problem was I wanted the ring; I wanted to show it to everyone and say, guess where I got it. And I hated Azalel for it.] ~ SWET. Now we're getting somewhere! You got a squee out of me when I read this. Most excellent. Okies, bye for now! Keep it up, girl, keep it up. ~ LoK
The baava Project 2006-09-28 ch 4,	Another chapter down! Joely is an interesting one. I can't quite figure her out. I wouldn't call her an airhead, per se, but she's definitely the first one of these girls to prove she doesn't fit in her role and isn't really trying to (lucky for her she can behave like everyone is beneath her). She's a bookworm, I gathered that much, and does seem rather owlish. I wonder what's going to break her out of her shell. She really is going to need to pay more attention. Whatever is going to happen, is going to smack her like a ton of bricks! And yet, I know out of these four we have a leader, an instigator, a plotter, and a dreamer. Or some such. I think I'll reserve further thoughts until I get another peek in Joely's head! :) I could be way off. I'm looking forward to see how these two factions interact as the story moves on. I think these first four chapters have given a very good basis for further events! Yours, LoK

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