i am intrigued. though i guess one could be little else after reading some forty odd chapters. off to read book two. :)

Yah, this is really good story. I think it'd be good for publication. The descriptions of very... descriptive =) and I don't think I found any grammar errors, but as always, I'm not so great at grammar checking, so yah...this will go on my favorites, cause...it deserves to be there.

thank you for not making a perfect character.

Ya know what, I could have sworn I commented on this chapter just before I left. Oh well.

I think I mentioned before that I had some reservations about the way you've developed the relationship between Brianna and Caliban. These three chapters (11-13) is when they come into play. So far, what I understand about Brianna is that she's a sharp observer, fiercely loyal to her guild, respectful of authority, and perhaps a little bit paranoid. So my question is: WHY, Brianna? Why are you swallowing every single word this gentleman tells you, even though he so obviously has a dubious agenda of his own? (His name is CALIBAN, for goodness sakes!) It just doesn't square with my perception of her character at all. Like I said, she's smart and suspicious; why doesn't it cross her mind to question him? She respects authority; why does she take Caliban's word over Jared's? She's patriotic; doesn't it occur to her that dividing the guild is unlikely to do it any services? Not to mention that what she's doing is treason, plain and simple. In the absence of any proof of Jared's culpability, I have trouble believing that she would take Caliban's word for it so unquestioningly, and (in later chapters) betray her friends and risk her life by invading Jared's quarters because of it. Her conversion to his cause is just too sudden, too unfounded. The only explanation I can find for it is her isolated and claustrophobic state and her complete dependence on him, which can indeed create some funky psychological states that might make a person act out of character. That's not obvious in the text, though. It's a pretty vital plot point; you may want to take a second look at it.

On the other hand, Caliban's an interesting riff on the wise old mentor archetype. I don't think I've ever seen one of those turn villain before.

I find Brianna's profound emotional attachment to the guild interesting since it doesn't strike me as being a particularly utopic place. It would be nice to get some background on her life and why she feels so strongly about it, although it may be one of those things you're saving for later.

I'd also be interested in knowing more about the place of women in your society since it's still kinda vague in my mind. The guild seems a pretty egalitarian place, even though it's still male-dominated in the official hierarchy (Jared, Kaim, Caliban, and Crescent) it's still clear that women are given a fair chance to compete, but here we have a few instances of traditional sexism (not in you, but in the characters): Caliban's "Keep your voice down, woman!" and the reference to "soft court beauties" that brings to mind images of harems. One of my pet peeves in fantasy that deals with traditional patriarchal societies is that very often the smart, strong female lead will be depicted as an exception to the rule, while other, more "traditional" women are contrasted to her and made to seem wanting - spoiled, bratty, empty-headed, superficial, weak, etc. That usually stems from feminist intent, but what it does (to me) is first of all give the impression that will, strength, and intelligence are all that's required for a woman to rise above patriarchal oppression when in fact, in truly repressive societies (like Periclean Athens or Taliban Afghanistan) it was pretty much physically impossible for a woman to defy gender conventions, and therefore the argument that "nothing stands in your way if you're strong enough" seems to be blaming the victim's oppression on her weakness rather than social structure; and second it dismisses the very valuable contribution of those "soft, silly, submissive, etc." women whose suffering and hard work paved the way for Joan of Arc and Virginia Woolf. For the record, I don't think that's what you're doing, but I do think it would add to your world if that aspect of your culture was fleshed out more to make the social forces that influence Brianna more visible. You seem to be socially conscious so I thought I would mention it.

That's pretty much it for the main criticism. At this point I was beginning to look forward to some action, since Brianna's been bound to her bed for a while now, but you managed to make the lull compelling anyway. Some nitpicks:

Chapter 11:

"My mind raced, I felt hot with tension." Run-on.

"I was hired to kill someone like that once, someone who knew too much..." I thought an anecdote was forthcoming, and was let down. Is this intentional?

"Excitement was dangerous, it led to mistakes." I think that comma should be a semi-colon.

"...like rays of sun before a storm cloud." This simile is a cliche in French ("Comme le soleil devant la pluie.") I'm not sure if it is in English but you may want to consider.

"the pitch of my voice beginning to rise..." the pitch of my voice rose?

"...his face very sad." Telling not showing.

Chapter 12:

"I was not wise, no towering mind." What's a towering mind?

"I was beginning to show signs of recovery. I was feeling stronger..." I began. I felt?

"I could feel hear the footsteps of the Ilaki come to bear my soul away"; " felt like a child listening to horror stories of the Maknyara again": that's two obscure and unexplained mythological allusions in the same paragraph.

"His expression was stony and unreadable, the darkness hiding his eyes was unyielding." Run-on.

"...like a frightened rabbit in a hunter’s snare." Cliche alert.

Chapter 13 is all right by me.

That was kind of rambling... It may take me a while to get back into the groove. I hope it helps anyway. Rock on.

Lucie

Horribly sorry for not reviewing. I actually had one prepared last night, but my computer went all wonky, and now I'm rewriting it. Well, enough of my excuses.

Paragraph 3: "Moldering" doesn't really make sense to me in that sentence. According to the dictionary, it means "crumbling", or "decaying", and when used in combination with "depression", it makes me think that Brianna's feeling /happier/ that her friends aren't coming to see her. Then again, I never use that word, so I very likely might be wrong.

Hm...I basically have nothing to say about this chapter. Excellent writing, not much to correct. Caliban's a nice change from the typical "Old Wise Man", especially the last comment. Brianna doesn't seem like the "Save the World" type, which pleases me infinitely. Again, sorry for the delay. I hope I have more time soon to review the next chapter.

Well, /this/ is a nice mixture of disappointment and relief. Brianna's alive. My thoughts? A big "What the Hell", along with, maybe, "You **, you made me think you'd died!" Great heroine, to inspire such emotions.

Paragraph 6: "He receded slightly, still shaking his head but looking /a/ too embarrassed..." Either add "bit" after the "a", or just get rid of the extra article.

Paragraph 13: Minor thing, but when Brianna punches Marcus in the stomach, she says that the pain of using her arm "forced me back onto the bed". However, you never say that she sat up, got out of the bed, or ever was out in the first place. Incorporate the action of sitting up into the whole "punching Marcus" thing.
Also, from what I gathered, that was a reflexive attack on Bri's part. However, the way she describes it seems deliberate, as if she jokingly punched him in the gut.

Paragraph 21: "'You first, or me?' /He/ asked..." Don't capitalize "He" in that case.

Paragraph 36: "Marcus asked with a shake of his head,..." That comma should be a period. Similar typos later on. (Unless, again due to my lack of knowledge about British grammar, this is actually correct.)

Another cryptic chapter, very well-done. Brianna doesn't have any hidden warrior nature, as far as I can see, so it leads the reader to conclude that there was something else behind her fight with Crescent than a simple contract. You avoid the cliches. Excellent.

(Sorry for taking so long to review. Surprise problems in life keep me away from even my favorite stories.)

Is Gaula a Thorassian? I'm still wondering about Caliban's intentions.

Shadowhound

I already wrote a long review for this and my freaking machine ate it. So I may not be as thorough as I usually am, because I do hate repeating myself. Forgive me for this once.

Concerning Marcus, I only mentioned it because I put your writing to more exacting standards than I do anyone else's. He is quite well-developed; in any other story, I would compliment the writer on it. It's because your other characters are so much more that I saw it fit to mention him. I get what you're saying about wanting to leave meat for the later stories, but you do want each of them to be a stand-alone as well, especially if you plan to publish them separately and not as sections of the same book, so... Maybe just hint at whatever his driving force or conflict is without getting into details? It's up to you.

Chapter 4 doesn't really do anything for me. I'm not crazy about dream sequences in fiction. First of all, real-life dreams that actually mean something are extremely rare; you avoid the pitfall of making yours lucidly prophetic, but it still seems too relevant and too coherent somehow, and therefore you end up with some rather heavy-handed foreshadowing. Second, dreams are the most vivid experiences in the world when you're having them, but they lose a lot in the retelling. Whenever I encounter them in published fiction (often, which means you can get away with it if you absolutely must) I tend to phase out and skip over to the next part of the story, because technically nothing happens in a dream that furthers the plot. It generally just repeats or symbolizes stuff that will happen later on in a more incoherent manner.

The descriptive passages here are also unusually lifeless. Take a look at that first paragraph:

"I woke in a warm, unfamiliar place. The usual red painted squared-off walls were replaced by warm animal furs over white paint. Looking around, I saw a clean, circular room with little shelves and cupboards filling the gaps between the furs. On the shelves were a collection of bottles, each containing herbs and plants I didn’t recognise."

You use very plain, neutral nouns in an unfussy manner. That's not bad, but it's very different from your usual vivid language and your eye for little details. Here it's almost like you're ticking items off a list. You also repeat "warm" twice.

Chapter 9 is definitely a return to form. There's a stylish and tasteful bit of homoeroticism there at the beginning, and some more character development of Crescent - it's quite amazing how the latter has already emerged as a fully-developed and complex character in just a few chapters, without appearing in person more than once. Not much to criticize here. I said something more the last time, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.

Chapter 10:

Just one thing. Brianna says that she is "Just like everyone else" and that "Crescent hurt her to get at Jared." Kaim chides her for her ego, then goes on to say that she must be really special for her to have been spared. I don't get that. When he chided her, did he mean that ironically? Because what she said puts her in a far more humble position that what he said. I don't see any evidence of ego there.

Just curious, but why didn't Kaim fight Crescent? That would have made sense, especially if they were rivals. I don't recall you ever explaining that, but my memory may very well be lacking.

I'm sorry if this wasn't as detailed a review as I usually leave. I'll be back to form the next time, I promise. Hope this helps anyway.

Lucie

Reviewing, as promised! As I said I might, I'm reviewing two chapters at once... So here we have it:

Ch. 2, Part I:

- “Risen would have been better than you were, my dear,” ... banishing the thought of my dead body rising to walk the world again as best I could.

An EXCELLENT example of explaining something without making it obvious that's what you're doing. Risen? OH! As in risen from the dead. Two thumbs up.

- He noticed, then raised a hand in apology and carried on with his work.

Weak wording. Of course he's going to notice, he was touching her when she moved. It'd be a perfectly fine sentence without the "noticed, then."

- You are lucky he hadn’t poisoned his sickles, if he had I wouldn’t have wasted my efforts.

The comma here would be better as a semi-colon or even a period. These are really two separate sentences.

- “And I know I am right,” Caliban added archly

Since he wasn't speaking before this, 'added' is the wrong word to use. He's replying to Brianna, not adding to something she was saying.

- I touched myself near there, and realised that something was different, one of my ribs was missing!

Again, a semi-colon, colon, or period would be better in the place of that second comma.

- “Nice stitches, though.” He added drily.

Proper use of 'added,' but the period should be a comma and 'he' should be lower case.

- "I don’t know why but seeing those younger than me in pain always brings a little laugh to my lips."

Loved this line. It indirectly tells you a lot about his character.

Ch. 2, Part II:

In my opinion, this is your best chapter so far. Thus, I have very little criticism. I'll start with some compliments instead:

You definitely handled the part about the black rose well. It was a bit of an info dump, but the readers needed to know. By having Jared tell the initiates, you made it seem natural with the story.

My other compliment is to your excellent description of the guild. I could almost picture it.

There're just two things that caught my eye:

- He placed his elbows on the table and looked around, and I thought that this might be the first time that some people in the room had done this.

This sentence is very confusing. Is there supposed to be a 'not' in there? If so, then it makes perfect sense. If not, it's unnecessary.

- “If Draka Herself were injured I’d direct Her to Caliban,” Marcus said, flippantly using the name of Spathi Draka, the Assassin’s God.

This is an example of BAD info-dumping. Clearly, Draka is a god of some sort, your use of capitalization tells us readers that. We don't need to know everything at once. Later you could tell us that she's the Assassin's God. Here it just seems awkward.


Once again, thanks for your reviews.

Caliban sounds like he has an ulterior motive. Brianna can only hear his side of what is happening, and it is easy for him to persuade her to listen to what he has to say. It makes me more curious about the connection between him and Crescent.

Shadowhound

I'm not sure about the reason why Crescent has to be the leader. It doesn't always have to be one person in charge, it could be a group or a committee. I'm just not sure about the reasons. They seem a little transparent to me.

Shadowhound

I'm glad to get back to reading this... it's extremely interesting. You do a good job of giving enough information to grab your reader's attention without revealing too much of the story.

A few grammatical things:

- "It gave him a natural look which certainly fitted."

This sentence is awkward, in that I'm not sure what you mean. Does a natural look fit him or fit the scene? I assume you mean him, but I'm not sure. Also, I think it should be "fit," not "fitted."

- Crescent didn’t even look in his direction.

You're just missing quotation marks at the end of this sentence; I'm just giving it to you so you can find it.

- Numbers like twenty-one and thirty-eight usually have dashes between them (in American English, at least), but you don't use them.

I want to know more about this Jared character. For some reason, I found him the most interesting of all you introduced in this chapter, perhaps because of the way he treated Marcus and the apparent nervousness he inspired in Brianna and Gaula.

I also want to know more about Crescent, but I'm sure you knew that.

I'll try to review regulary. Considering the length of the story, I may have to start reviewing every other chapter...

You know what? I don't have a whole lot of complaints already. Not much has happened in the past three chapters plotwise, but there is some masterful character development that more than makes up for it insofar as I'm concerned. One part that especially strikes me with awe is the discussion you have in chapter 6 about the relationship between Crescent and Gaula. In one blow (and relatively few words) you flesh out Crescent, Gaula, and Brianna and make them likeable - and that's incredible. I can only hope to be able to do that sort of thing one day.

The only weak spot insofar as character development is concerned - it's not even a flaw, just something that doesn't stand out as much as the rest - is Marcus's character. I have to admit you're creative about it; it's the first time I've ever encountered a character who is developed by his relationship to furniture. But other than that he's not as complex or original as the other characters. He's a little bit mysterious, as you'd imagine an assassin to be; a little bit impulsive, into p*ssing contests, which isn't untypical in a fantasy male warrior; but he doesn't seem to be driven by a big internal conflict, like Brianna with her self-doubt and Gaula with her mixed feelings about her enemy. Normally I'd give you benefit of the doubt, because this is only the sixth chapter in, but I've read the whole novel and while he is fleshed out a bit before the end, it isn't as outstanding as with the other characters. Already he's being upstaged by his arch-rival Mortani, which I'm sure he wouldn't be pleased to hear. Maybe that's intentional, so that Brianna's later suspicions concerning him will be more credible? If so, that would make sense, and forget everything I just said. If not, maybe you could find a way to insert him into one of those little one-on-one scenes that you're so good at, like Brianna's exchange with Gaula that I mentioned earlier on, and hint at his driving conflict.

Style-wise, there's already an improvement from the earlier chapters. There are still a few minor issues, though.

Chapter 5:

Your first sentence is a run-on.

Third paragraph is fine, but the last sentence doesn't quite fit in with the rest. (What I've been told in English class, anyway: a paragraph should be like a mini-essay, with an intro, a development, and a conclusion that ties in with the intro.) In this case, the paragraph deals with her thoughts, then talks about "we" performing an action. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there should be more of a transition.

"There were many new faces on the benches": active is better than passive when you can use it (Many new faces floated above the benches... That's kinda lame, but you know what I mean.)

"There was no plush carpet beneath my feet, only my sandals kept my soles from the cold stone": run-on.

"A pair of hands waved at me from the far end of one bench and I wasn’t surprised that both of them belonged to Marcus": would sound better as two sentences IMO.

"He was on good form today": in good form?

I like Mortani. And Jared, of course. Incredibly charismatic guy.

Chapter 6:

I also like how Brianna doesn't feel good enough to go out right away. Some people sometimes forget that their characters were supposed to be sick or injured (I know I do).

"I felt almost guilty for lying here safe while my fellows were out there in danger": almost is the wrong word, I think... Either you are feeling guilty (if only a little) or you're not.

"looking up at me slightly": that "slightly" says nothing. Watch out for those sneaky little "ly" words in general.

The rest is pure brilliance.

Chapter 7:

"I couldn’t breath properly, my throat making a hoarse grating sound with every one": breathe, and what does the "one" stand for? (I know, but it should be obvious.)

Good character development for Mortani, again, with that hint of concern he shows when Brianna is frightened.

" an avalanche that rang dully": "avalanche" and "rang" somehow don't work together. Avalanches rumble or thunder; bells ring.

"This wasn’t good.": it would be stronger without the contraction, IMO.

"He was breathing heavily": he breathed heavily, he panted?

And this must be that messed-up fictionpress formatting, but your last paragraph is split in mid-sentence.

You'll also want to search for adverbs - there are many that strike me as unnecessary. Other than that, it's all good.

Rock on!

Lucie

He isn't dead? I'm not going to lie, I'm a little disappointed.

'...but Crescent caught the damn arrow.' Outside of the review and it has little to do with it, there was an episode of Mythbusters were they proved it was impossible for a human to catch an arrow. Their reflexes would have to be at least five times the normal to do such a thing. It was a pretty good episode. Also disprove the legend of catching a sword with your bare hands.

I'm curious, why is Jared the leader of the guild if he isn't the strongest? What skill does he have that puts him in charge? He obviously has authority over the others. I'll wait and see.

Shadowhound

Alright then, let's get started. One major thing is that I won't review a finished work as much because anything I have to say will probably be answered by the end of the story. There isn't much point in asking for something to be explained more when it *is* explained in depth in the next chapter.

I do notice a difference in writing from A Chill in the Air and this. Nice fight scene, though.

Interesting. You killed the narrator in the prologue. So the story will either be set in the past or the current narrator won't matter and was just a throwaway to show off Crescent. Speaking of which, I like him. Even his arrogance in speaking in the third person is amusing. I think I'll enjoy this, though it might take me a while with forty five chapters...

Shadowhound