Hey there, Anters here with both a review & review reply. First off, thanks for takin’ the time to read my story; I civilly return such favor.

Your piece was good, but the biggest thing to look out for (which more then likely isn’t your fault) is Fiction Press’s irritatin’ way of squishin’ separate paragraphs into one. Just stating, your first paragraph in this could be broken apart more, and like I said, might not even be your fault. Just make sure to check on that, for I have had to do it numerous times. Other then that, only minor grammar errors exist that would be fixed upon proof readin’. Good job!

Review reply! I actually do Review replies through e-mail, but you have none listed, so I just will do mine here quickly! First off, I totally agree on pretty much everything you said, which is why I am currently undergoin’ a massive re-write on the entire story with help from (superbly favorite authors) Anya Tempest and WyrdWolf. I would gladly (and appreciate) any help you might be willin’ to give in the future for Elements. But, I work rather slowly since I’m a senior in high school, and have a job, and all that fun stuff, but they get done. I am nearin’ completion on Chapter 1 re-write, so get back to me.

Anyways, welcome to my favorites list by the way. I’m not good with anything poetry, so I look forward to more fiction from ya. I hope we talk later.

-Anters-

Kinda cool, concept-wise. You might want to play around with sentence order a bit, though. Try to keep the subject/direct object away from the beginning of the sentence every once in a while. Every single sentence here beings with a noun or a particle followed by a noun. It's not too much of a problem, but this piece might be more engaging with the occasional adjective, verb or adverb thrown in.

hello phantom-jedi, a big thanks for reviewing me and here i am to return the favor. sorry it took so long, i had some matters to attend to...

the ending line "With heavyhearted step I left my preferred world of serene darkness and quiet repose and headed back to the chaotic world of bright light and loud noise." was a nice touch, but 'quiet repose' approximates the meaning of "death", so you might consider rewording it (up to you, though).

aside from this little nitpicking, your sentence structure--while grammatically correct--seem to be choppy and jerky, like you only write the same length and pattern of sentences. although at times this could probably be passed off as style, it fulfills no purpose and instead distracts the reader from the flowing pace of your narration. the first paragraph was also an entire block of the aforementioned sentences, so you might want to break them up and organize them.

as it's very short, the story kinda seems to be very polished on the surface, but it still gives an air of superficiality. that means, it truly is a wonder when you read it, but there is no supporting background or even any identifiable character (which is odd, as it's set on first person) that takes away the breath-taking quality of the story. i however cannot fault you for this, as it had probably stemmed from the shortness of the piece rather than from a lack of attention in this area or skill.

you have a nice eye for detail and your descriptors are very effective. your voice as you narrate might need some work, but overall it's a good work even for an introductory chapter less than 500 words long.

continue this one!

~DD

:D

Good descriptions! I think you covered most of the 5 senses here, if not all. yes, I think you did catch them all at one point or another. Good Good.Its a beautiful scene and easy to picture, and you did a terrific job!

My only CC is this:Vary the sentence structure more! For instance, the first two sentences: You start them both out with "The..." then you go to the verb and so on. Maybe switch the second sentence around: "As I stealthily closed the door..." "Stealthily closing the door behind me, I..." you get the idea. Play around with the words a bit and discover which arrangement of each sentence you like best. Try to make it all flow smoothly from one sentence to the next. If you're not sure, read it out loud to yourself and see how choppy it sounds as you say it.

And I know I saw at least 2 typos. One was "tense and eager to escape the oppressive of the forest at night." I believe you mean oppressiveness. Or just take out "Of the" and have "oppressive forest."And when you are listing the constellations you end with "and other." Others would probably make more sense.

And one more thing, in the 6th line you have "I slowed slightly. The slight whisper..." A bit repetitive, maybe replace slithly or slight with a different word.

That's all I have for CC. As always, great job. You have certainly have a talent! I look forward to the completion of that story currently in progress!

~SCR