Things seem to be getting interesting.

Wow! This is really wonderful! I love Kite and Noa the most. ^_^ And Emi is so funny! This is a very enjoyable, great read.
Fantastic job!

very very very very nice. i surely will follow this up.

Good chapter.

good chapter can't wait until the next chapter

Compliments: I love your character’s conversational manner... I feel like I already get the jest of your characters through their dialogue. At first, while reading this piece, I was like ‘I don’t think she could make it to the C2 with this story’ the more the story went, the better the chapter got and surprised me a bit. The description got better and I enjoyed that very much.

At first, it seemed unoriginal, very cliché and a bit boring but the more the story goes on, I thoroughly enjoyed the story, especially when the brother and sister came into it.

Disappointers: Your beginning of this chapter was boring. You came from present tense to past tense with the actions. The actions should always be past tense though you can make it sound active though still past tense. You’re somewhat rushed during the chapter… something a bit of description could help.

Your description parts tended to bore me because you don’t seem to know how to do this without seeming to just go on… without giving the reader something to make them want to read that part.

You tend to start your chapters, weakly


I’ve done the same thing before.

Grammar:


You have some pointless stuff in the beginning of Chapter 2. Everybody knows morning would come the next day… could be reworded to make sense. Unless, it has some strange way of how the days work like every five days is a morning… then there’s no point/

When two people are talking... it should be in two different paragraphs.

This part: The boy had nodded. “It’s a dangerous world too. Especially in between the Kingdoms.”

Should be written:

The boy had nodded. “It’s a dangerous world too, especially in between the Kingdoms.”

This sentence is strangely worded: He stopped packing and turned to the boy in the doorway and asked, “What do you want?”

Originality: I feel that its not the most original plot but with the character-use, it makes it more original… at least, in the first chapter.

Characterization: It was very good.

Believability: I could believe it.

Suggestions: Make stronger beginnings.

Overall Thoughts: make he plot a bit more original and I’ll add you to my C2. The story has a bit of boringness while some parts are good.

It was not accepted but the story is good.

Yay!Yay! Ok more than 150 chapters. Oh-love Night! ^_^

I love this story! And god is it gonna be long-I mean if each episode has them travelling to one kingdom each time and there's 30 kingdoms- and then if they're about 5 chapters long each that's gonna be -*counts on fingers gives up and uses a calculator* - 150 chapters! Wow that's a long story- but all the more worth it!! ^_^ Keep up the work! And soon please- it won't be too long before I start spiralling out of control at whether Emi ever finds her power, if Night really does like her, if he'll kill her, who this person skulking around is etc etc- as you can see I'm already pondering and have just finished the first episode! o_0

Interest story and good detail. Can't wait for the next chapter.

There, I told you I would come back and read the rest later. Anyways, this was a good chapter. I pretty much want to say the same things I did in my first review. Choose and tense, past or present, and stick with it. That'll help your story immensly.

I like the new character. This should make things interesting.

Can't wait for more!

This is actually not half bad. I only read the first chapters because I don't have much time right now but I'll read the third as soon as I can. Now, for my critique.

The main problem I see with this story is that you tend to switch from past or presents tenses a lot. You should choose one and stick with it as the story seems choppy otherwise. I would recommend past tense as it just sounds so much better.

I like your characters so far. I would recommend going a little more detail with Tac and Noa though. Why do they ridicule their brother so? What cuased Noa to be mute?

Overall, nice job. I'll be reading more as soon as possible.

By the way, if it's possible, could you maybe read one of my stories and give your comments? Do it if you want, I'm gonna keep reading regardless.

This doesn't get enough reviews. I put you under my faves, now make sure you earn the right to stay there! Good luck!