Reviews for China - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: China

theflyingcrabsareeatingmyha... 2008-03-01 ch 1,	abuseWow. This poem is great. I'm trying to be good and get a look at your writing style (which might not be a smart idea given the fact that this is poetry, but I figure it works either way). I really enjoy the first line. It's such an...introduction? Well, it's an odd one. It pulls me right into the poem. Not dressed for what, I ask. Why say suitably? It's a distinct style: careful word choice, high class. We stood in a circle...I've still got questions about this line. I feel the urge to add 'just the two of us' to the end of this line, but I'm still figuring out your style, so I'll refrain from that :) But I'm wondering how many people are present. It's an unresolved aspect that's bugging me a little. The rest of this stanza is beautiful. I love the imagery and word choice...I can hear the scratching sounds made by the drying leaves as they're pushed across the ground by the wind... Actually, your choice of floor is odd. Are you indoors? You don't seem to be. I'm pretty sure that a floor is something that you only see indoors...I think you could change this to ground without having any negative effect on the rest of the poem. Your choice, of course. But I think floor isn't the word you're looking for. When you say the the other person caught the leaf between black booted feet, I get the image of a cat pouncing. That's the only animal I can think of that could catch a leaf /between/ black booted feet after hopping. Maybe you meant to use 'underneath'? The feline character would be fine, but then you say finger-and-thumb. That would have to be either a koala or a human, as far as I'm concerned, and the human seems much more likely here :D So I think it should be caught under the feet. Or even foot. Once again, a beautiful stanza. That's like not believing in China...for the subject of your poem, it comes up with very little context... It's an odd analogy, and I suppose that it works. I think you need to give us some context...why is it so ridiculous to not believe in China? I feel as though your poem would be much more effective if you spent some time with it. When you say you were shielded against the buffets of the world... You were outside. This is another phrase that needs some context. You need to put in some sheltering imagery...you're not suitably dressed, you lose your tight huddle against the cold when your friend jumps after the leaf, and it seems as though you're outside. What is this shielding you speak of? Excellent finishing line. It really makes the reader think...why? This is the sort of poem that I wouldn't be able to get out of my head for quite a while. Since I've actually got the opportunity to talk to the author of a poem that intrigues me...wanna tell me what you mean? (Gives puppydog eyes) I really like this! You have an excellent grasp of language, and you know how to make words work together as a cohesive whole. If you just put some of your thoughts into a little more context, I don't think I'd have any other criticism :) Great job!
Asphodelus 2007-10-12 ch 1,	abuseLovely.
Eye of the Needle 2007-02-03 ch 1,	abuseah memories...lol Pretty good...although quite melancholic you okay me'dear?

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