Reviews for Dragonflesh - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Dragonflesh - Reviews: Page 1 of 14

Speckleddove 2008-03-11 ch 36,	abuseI found your story very interesting. It was different to the usual fantasy stuff. However, I have to say that I found the tone very uneasy and uncomfortable throughout -though maby that's a good thing, it certainly built up suspense in the court case. I liked Karen's ending, but I'm not sure about Quirl's. I would have liked to have heard how she felt after beginning to destroy the boarding house. Altogether though, it was pretty good. I like your style of writing.
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 36,	abuseThe only thing I would change about the Epilogue is that I would reorganize the two portions. Tell us about Anvar first. Not only do I not like the note it ends on (it just sat wrong with me for some reason- no flaw in the writing mind you, just not a tone I liked ending with). That way you can finish the way you began- with Karan writing about Marshal. That would be wonderful. Thank you for the excellent and thought inspiring read. -Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 35,	abuseAgain, 'defence' should be 'defense.' Unlike with 'civilised' I see continue to see no purpose in misspelling 'defense.' "to be replaced by what sounded like thousands of fires blazing into life." Could be stronger. How about 'to be replaced by the sound of thousands of fires blazing into life.' Take out some of the qualifiers to create a stronger statement. The first insert into the story 'As Karan read on...' is very well done. The second paragraph of the next insert, not so much. But the first was potent. -Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 34,	abuse"worriedSuch" space and period, please. Also, I don't like Calexia's mention of how she was being paid at that time. You can have her mention it later, after the case, but saying it there both seems very insensitive of her and pulls the reader out of the otherwise engaging conversation. Very well thought out penalty. I think I see what's going to happen here. Or at least I have a guess. This is all drawing together very nicely. Good arguments from Calexia as well. -Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 33,	abuse"Hanor died in the night." The best way I can think of introducing that section. Very effective choice. The entire section is very well written with exception of the ending. "as Gren laid back and continued to gnaw at Hanor’s skull, making a mental note to remind those two that Hanor’s spines should be ground to powder and drunk with something hot." doesn't have the same tone as the rest of it. You've been building up to a climax, no that's the wrong word, but you understand my meaning. That last bit I quoted just drops the energy level so much. I would recommend just cutting it. -Lucien of the Review Marathon, link in profile
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 32,	abuse'littleFerryl' Just a space-typo. That's the only grammar/spelling error I found this chapter. "The large were quirky at times." Could probably be phrased better. I suppose it's alright as is, but the sentence stuck out unpleasantly for me. See if you can find a turn of phrase you prefer, but if you can't, don't worry about it. I found otherwise the scene with Ferryl very touching. Well done. -Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 31,	abuse'Karan tried to think of a single flame ice and snow,' I think you meant this to be 'a single flame, ice, and snow,' but I'm not sure. It could also have been 'a single flame of ice and snow,' depending on the image you wanted. Either way, it's not working the way it is. The interspersed thoughts on controlling his inner flame were excellent. "in from of the whole court. " should be 'in front of.' "we hear the defence," should be spelled 'defense.' -Lucien of the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-24 ch 30,	abuseA note on your author's note. I'm not sure this is the place for it. It is my feeling that such discussions more properly belong in forums or PMs. I happen to agree with your assessment, given my limited information, but none the less. Now on to the story itself. I felt the beginning segment (fact one, fact two, fact three) was very strong given the introduction. It's introductions like that which I wish you'd include for some of the Marshal story segments earlier. I'm also glad that you've now taken the time to explain why Hanor is so fond of the house in more detail. I'd previously stated that I didn't understand it, but now that I've been given a better grasp both of her age and her state of mind, I am satisfied. Good job with this chapter. -Lucien of the Review Marathon (see profile for link)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 29,	abuseI feel that you meant to say 'higher echelons of science' rather than 'bigger echelons.' I love that he included the description of the results of a wolf packs' attack in his story. The irony is incredible. -Lucien from the Review Marathon, link in profile
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 28,	abuseKaran decided that inflicting grievous harm could wait a little while longer, despite the nagging notion that if he was going to be frozen or Devoured, he might as well deserve it. The problem there is that it's unclear who he was planning on inflicting grievous harm on. Also there is a sentence in the next few paragraphs which seems to be missing a few words at the end. I liked the encounter with the crystals and the Enforcer. It rang true to me. -Lucien of the Review Marathon, see profile for link.
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 27,	abuse"If the blaze had heard Dornogin, it made no reply of any sort" One of my favorite types of humorous line. However, before that, the Governor refers to the wyvern's as 'fruit-eating heathens.' Once again, this seems out of character for the liberal Governor. I'd recommend defining his character a tad better. -Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 26,	abuse“You’ve never been at a loss for words in Fantastic Fantasy, why should you start now?" Loved that line. "small cantrip bigger Emberseers" The fact that it is a cantrip implies that it is small, no need for the adjective. 'bigger' didn't make much sense to me in this context either. I'd recommend removing both. -Lucien, of the Review Marathon, check profile for link
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 25,	abuse“Seriously, I suspect the reason you’re giving this absolutely ludicrous answer is that you have something else to hide-whatever it is, I have no idea and frankly, don’t care any more. You’re too good for me now, aren’t you?" This rings false for me. I'm not sure if it should, and frankly I'm not sure what could be done to fix it. Also, work on making the sarcasm clear, but not forced. "And I'm absolutely and completely sure you're not lying at all." is forced. Quirl and Anvar's parallel reactions were a nice touch. -Lucien from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 24,	abuse“I’m not afraid of what I’ve done. I haven’t spoilt my writing; I haven’t mangled the story for the sake of inserting messages. My writing is still the best I could do. I can't tell whether that segment is supposed to be in quotes or not. Either add one to the end, or take off the one at the beginning. Again, I enjoyed Karan's view of his own writing and its effect on people. He has an interesting conundrum to deal with, and I can honestly say I'm not sure what I'd do in his situation. -Lucien of the Review Marathon, see my profile for the link
LucienofShadow 2008-02-23 ch 23,	abuseExcellent job explaining the reasons behind Calexia's strategy. On the other hand, I feel that the section of Marshal's story should have been introduced. It felt odd, being dropped straight into the story for no apparent reason. By the end of the chapter it came together, but I believe that an introduction or explanation of some sort would be a positive addition.

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