-From the Review Game -

Interesting story. I'm very partial to fairytales myself, and it seems like there are some themes you can incorporate in here - the importance of reading? Storytelling?

However, there are some points I'd like to make:
-"Chapter Three:(A.K.A Chapter in which we find out what Tamen's pet is and get a glimpse into Mary's tortured repressed memories.)" You have such a grand, interesting title, I think saying "a.k.a." sounds a bit too modern to present it. Try something like "Being the Chapter in which we find the identity of Tamen's pet.. etc."
-are the characters living in the medieval times? Perhaps incorporate slightly older english to fit in.
-"tireder and tireder" - I don't think that's a real world.

Overall, good story. I really liked the hint of foreshadowing/cliffhanger at the end.

haha this is okay.
It isn't exactly genious or anything and I guess it requires a little bit of background knowledge, but it's a work.
Always, ~Sara.

DLD...This had me laughing so hard it hurt. Keep it up! :D I said some of the lines in normal conversation with my family, and now they think I'm even more insane than I already am ^_^

I most throughly enjoyed many of the inside jokes of this story. Please develop this as much as possible for future inclusion... somewhere.

DLD, I know I said this already, but, girl, you rock. ^_^ I'm looking forward to more of the antics from the group.

Ok, a few things I honestly didn't like about this. You tried to be funny, and you were slightly, but the storyline just plain didnt help your attempt to pull it off. Your style is casual, and although it is appealing to some readers to a fair number of them it isn't. Assuming that this is a first copy, I have to say that this chapter moves to quickly. Not that it loses me, but it may some.

Other than that, it was a fairly worthwhile read and I will continue to read the next chapters.

OK, were did you learn to write? Honistly? This story stinks. Old cat little or six cats stick. Work on your writing skills first, and then devolope your plot and characters. And for the love of writing don't put '(A.K.A chapter in which we meet Mary’s twin, Sue, the antagonist)' or stuff like that at the beggining of the chapter. It completely ruins the chapter cause one already knows what happens. Just don't.

Blood Red

The only part I don't like is the constant reference to PMS. The first time was really funny: you juxtaposed PMS and having to save the world, and it gives it a little bit of perspective. But as a running joke, I am a little offended. There is more to a teenage girl (or any girl) than PMS. Such as shopping and boys. If you are trying to make Mary sound trite and unoriginal, I think there are a few other avenues you can explore. Good job otherwise.

Hmm, well, I'll be honest with you. Overall, it was a fun read, but I didn't find it laugh-out-loud funny. The concept is good, the characters are good, the cliches are good, the storyline so far sounds good. But I don't think it's written in a funny way.

I did chuckle at a few parts, such as the baby and mayo sandwich mentions and Jethros's rhyming. However, you just seemed to present funny elements without exploiting their funniness or explaining them in a humorous way. I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time explaining what I mean. "The Melancholy Astronaut" did a much better job at that.

I look forward to the next chapters.

lol this was awsume ! Wow no wonder why you ahve 20 reviews already ! Great job ,seriously . I loved the way you wrote this ,and I ove your sense of humor !

Please R&R my story Frogs ,Warts & Kisses back . Tis a remake of the frog prince...with some humor .

Thankies .

Confuzzld Me

Okay, this wsa amusing enough. I am not sure about the sandwich bit, but it is hard to think up something of the like. I don't know, the cafe could have a bit of description . . . like screaming coming from the kitchen, dark black lights illuminating the place, nice blasphemous music . . . it could be loud and obnoxious, or quiet hissing and subliminal.

Mary is truly clueless, and her clulessness is funny in and of itself. It is always fun to have a character that has no idea or brain between the ears.

The bit with Jethro rhyming has to be a pain in the posterior. I couldn't do it, but I have no poetic skills.

Mary's casual attitude about everything and meeting with her sister and whatnot is rather fun as well.

Ph, I meant to say, that is the first story that I have read that is marked parody that has made any sense at all!! I thought I might have had the definition wrong on it.

You do have too much fun with the musical references, I can understand that as well. Did a lot of that as well. Is Jethro going to be doing a song about Mary's crossed eyes somewhere along the lines?

You know, somewhere along the lines, the goat will just have to utterly disappear, and the wolf will be grinning and picking his teeth.

As for funny . . . (I have been browsing the forum, mind you) . . . well, it has its moments. Humor is a difficult thing to write, and it is even harder to find something that no one has thought of before, but that it is the whole fantasy genre for you.

Some of the things that could be humorous to add would be some examples of Sue's evilness, but it never dawned on Mary that such things were evil . . . Maybe like Sue microwaving the cat they had as children or whatnot.

Things that I did find funny in the story was the wimpy guard for hire. It would have been funnier if he was the one she did hire. I did get a little giggle out of the wolf munching on the goat as she interviewed Tamien and Presely being in pain because of it.

I must say this story is err... different. I like how you are spoofing all the cliche fantasy quest type stories and I think you are doing a good job of it.

I don't think I could pull it off myself half as well as you and look forward to seeing what happens next.

I thought that was really great! I'm not in the mood for crit, so.. :]

I love the Mary, Sue thing xD

Okay. First off. Show, not tell. Right now, it's very much like reading a factual essay. He/she did this, he/she did that, etc. Make your writing SHOW what is going on. Instead of writing, "She began to cry,", write something like, "The first salty droplets leaked out despite her efforts to stifle them, slipping down her face like dozens of loaded wagons rolling unstoppably down a steep hill." Once again, SHOW, not tell. Make the reader SEE what is happening rather than just read it. Appeal to the senses. Put the reader in the scenario. You, as the author, can see what is going on; it is therefore your responsibility to give the reader that same experience.

Next! Grammar. Grammar, grammar, grammar. Study comma rules and dialogue rules. It is a creative writing entry, yes, so you can mess around with fragments and the like for effect, but there are too many comma splices and common mistakes that would make an English teacher cringe that you can fix without even altering the actual sentence. Go through and proofread again.

Okay. This story seems very unrealistic. I understand that it is a fantasy work, but you still need to make it seem real. Good fantasy is written in a way that it seems like it could really happen. Lord of the Rings, for example, has magic and the whole gamut of mythical creatures, but it still works. This seems too... unreal. Your characters are very static and lack depth. Build up on your characters to make this seem realistic. I mean, who would honestly just say off-handedly that their daughter is trying to take over the world? It's rediculous. You can do that and make it a comedy, perhaps, like Monty Python, but then, you'd have to make it a bit more rediculous.

Anyways, I hoped this helped some. :) Keep writing.