FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| crazy dog events 2006-11-06 ch 1,   | I didn't like the rhyme in the second and second to last lines. It doesn't reach the maturity of the rest of the poem, comes off sounding silly. |
| citrus scented 2006-10-19 ch 1, | this is so intense. it really makes you hold your breath just to read it as well, jeeze...seriously :" my ribs rattle, enclose" that enclose really works well. great use of words cleverly put together they create a powerful effect. and i like: "alveoli" it just adds such a real element to it. like sometimes you can get lost in the emotions and ideas in the head, but that word just brings this edge to it. i like the start and end as well: "i have inhaled too quickly." and "i am afraid to exhale" just those two lines would make a really intresting poem on their own, and it makes the bit in the middle seem to be the pause, the moment of breathing in. |
| poetic abortion 2006-10-18 ch 1, | The first and last lines are killers; they just GRAB you out of no where and won't let you go until the message and poem is done. They are the best lines in the whole poem, to me. The begining of the second stanza is beautiful; it fits. Actually, that whole damn stanza FITS. Its beautiful and I love it and, ** it, I LOVE THIS. Its perfect; just so beautiful and FITTING and, damnit, I'm inchorent. I blame your brilliance. ~* Noelle |
| lackluster 2006-10-12 ch 1, | you've captured the feeling perfectly. "do i make you spin?"-lovely. |