This one's really not all that horrible, actually. It could do with a little bit more punctuation (a few full-stops here and there et al). Also...I'm not sure 'in a word, Paradise' was really necessary. It still flows nicely without it. But I do love your image of pure earth being contaminated, it's very striking.

Ooh! like the part about the beast's appetite growing and Eden's glory growing flat. I really like it. It's good because of the imagery and all that...the only thing I really would have changed was to say something about rampant weeds and how they were invading or something along those lines instead of the word "unweeded".

I've never read Hamlet, but this does remind me of Paradise Lost. You're right that this is rough, but I really like the image of paradise left to rot. It seems appropriate.

And you mentioned in a review you left me that you thought a line seemed familiar, but you weren't sure where you read it. I'm glad that someone caught it. It's almost word for word from Psalm 90:10.

Well, for a 2 minute piece it's actually not bad. I liked it. The rhythm is a bit off, it feels. But, not bad, not bad. There some imagery in here and the words seem to fit. So, well done and I look forward to reading the "improved" version!