Well, I was bored so I decided to read one of you stories. You're never at a loss for ideas it would seem. For the first chapter I liked it, but of course I think some things could have been more well defined, like the platform thing Nelo was standing on, at first I thought it was invisible. I don't kow if this will help anything if the story's done or canceled, but I just felt compelled.

hmm, ok. here's my thoughts. the beginning of the story was very well written. but as time went by, things became rushed, and it was confusing to try and figure out what happened. of course, it could be because i don't know much of what Flyff is, but anyway, it was quite the interesting story, and it could be even better if you put a bit more work into it. :)

so much happening! its hard to keep track of everything. if you put breaks between scenes, that would make things easier.

hmm. what exactly is a clockwork? i don't quite get that part of things. everything kinda just happened so fast, with little explanations.

Wah? i am so totally lost! on to the next chapter! gotta find out what on earth is going on!

O.o wow. that masked dude is very creepy and freaky.

so he's going to the main tournament, huh? this'll be interesting.

whoa. so there's something fishy going on with chen... whe! gettin' exciting!

hm, now i am getting confused. but i'm sure i'll understand as i keep reading.

hiya! since your other story is taking a bit, (which is perfectly fine!) i decided to check out this story. it wouldn't be based on the fly for fun online game thingy, would it?

anyways, it seems really good so far!

i love it lol

Here I am, reviewing chapter two.
In the paragraph introducing the Lode Light, you have her instead of here in the first line. Penya is the currency, correct?
Paragraph introducing Mikyel, you say dawning all red. Is that what you meant? Perhaps something top check out.
Nice, touchy ending, though a little expected. Hmm, all I can say is perhaps more description and less dialogue?

Well, here I am!
First of all I can see you may already know this but it isn't that apparent to me. How do the people fly? I didn't hear you mention wings or anything. Are they armed? I didn't hear anything regarding that, although they just might not be.
What does Chen look like? You didn't really describe him, although that can be slightly difficult in first person.
The second sentence, "I blinked my eyes sleepily open." This sounds a little odd, so maybe , "I blinked my sleepy eyes open."
"Stepped off his platform..." Did you mention a platform before that? I didn't hear it.
End sentence, "spotted for the first time, the city that was our destination." No comma there, I do believe.
Later today or tommorrow I will review chap. 2!

You've created a very detailed world and remarkable characters--I enjoyed this story very much.

I did think that in the beginning, exposition rode heavily on dialouge, because the action was too overdescribed. It would help to have made any action paragraphs as short and simple as possible, and to have given each of the character's a unique "voice" for dialouge.

Your grammar and spelling was excellent, with the exception of coma usage. Before or after someone's name, a coma must be insterted. ("Hello, Bob," I said, etc.)

I think Bobor, Shadow, and Clockworks should be mentioned earlier in the story. That way, they don't seem such a deus ex machina.

Why did the narrative suddenly switch from 1st to 3rd person in chapter 8?

Anyways, wonderful story, I really enjoyed reading it. Keep on writing!

~Bitter Irony

First off - I enjoyed the story. It was a fantastic idea. You had interesting characters and the world you created was vivid and detailed.

Some of your sentences interupted the flow of the story for me, it's not so much grammatical errors or bad English, but almost as if you were packing too much information into them and they ended up being clunky (like that sentence just was!) What you are saying is fine, just that the flow of it could be smoothed out with less commas and more full stops. I found this happened more in the earlier chapters. Your writing definately improved from chapter five onward, natural progression i guess ;)