If there's one thing that strikes me immediately, it's that you need to slow down. Did your comma key break or something? Seriously, though, if it's a stylistic choice I don't think it quite works. You use metaphors from time to time, but you dip into them so fast that we kind of mentally race on by and don't notice.

Aside from the stylistic quibble, it's a pretty bleak start. It'll be interesting to see where it goes.

Please read/review my stories. I always say that. ;)

thats great! read my storys! but is there suposed to be more to thuis? please hurry and do more!