There are several amusing thoughts going through my head about this chapter. I am unsure why these guys are keeping Aversia alive. Yes, they fear the wrath of Aunt Layll. Why does she want the Schlusig alive. Is she planning to marry one of the boys to her so there would be less friction with the take over of the land?

The other thing is, I would think that while Layll is not around the boys will play, and there are many and various way they could have fun with her other than the obvious one. Men of war are known for that. A few more cuts and bruises would most likely not be noticed. I also figure that they might have her tied up to prevent more damage to themselves.

Still, the outline for the scene is alright, and Aversia certainly has one hell of a good fighting spirit. I also like that she talks to the spirit of her great grandmother while she is captive.

I finally got around to reading this, and somehow, I kind of saw the defeat coming. I don't trust that one cousin of hers.

This thing with the gun was interesting, and I can two factions feeling those ways about these things.

The bit with the baby I understand as well. War is awful. I know in the original stories of the Trojan War, the Greeks threw Andromache's son from the wall.

Oh, and I wrote a story once where I kill the main character/narrator after the first part. Death is just the beginning.

hello NHKZ! finally, a break from work. forgive me if i didn't review the other one, but i'm not too keen on fairy-tale-based stories (or anything based on an existing work). so i'll just be going to review this one, and as i read along.

"Old crone". the word 'crone' is strictly used only for old women, not old men. and in this context, "old crone" is redundant, as we all know that 'crone' is already old. you don't need to tell it twice.

"The war has been cruel to us all. But it is a fight for Right. We have the right to the kingdom. We have obligations to protect it. Luchsieria who have the Betrayer's knowledge will bring down the curse of Heavens upon our people. Our people will suffer under the rule of Luchsieria. Don’t ever forget that, Averisa. The Kingdom needs us. We alone should rule our people." you'd think that Averisa would react SOONER when she was surprised; what, she let someone speak for 3 whole lines before responding? and besides, she knew Seth anyway, and judging by the length of his rhetoric she should've known who was speaking. this is one of those things that are too unrealistic, they're on the level of a Mexican soap opera.

"You are fast Averisa. No wonder Uncle Ebener chose you to fight among us." if i was Averisa, i would've smacked him. he's mocking her. she let him speak for 3 lines. lol.

a civil war between nobles or lords in a medieval setup is rarely treated in a fantasy story, but here we see that you've used it as the core of your plot, which is a plus point overall for you. the character speeches seem quite unnatural and a little too shifting (from casual and informal to formal rhetoric) that it was a bit disorienting, though, and that they really sound to be speaking with a script in front of them. but as far as world-building goes, you have a good grasp of your setting, and the unique names are good, too. there were little (if any) grammar mistakes that i've found, so this is a positive thing. i'll be reading chapter 2.

"she swallowed the metallic blood". i'd like to see this one if there's anything like that. maybe you mean that the blood tasted metallic, not 'metallic blood'.

"His robes were the red and yellow of a Luchsieria Strands of whitish blond hair..." this appeared to be one sentence, but in fact is two separate ones. you failed to put a period after Luchsieria and 'strands'.

hmm. not much to say for chapter 2.

okay my general thoughts on the story. you have actually a nice arsenal of words, but somehow i got the feeling that this story deserved more work; it seemed as if this was a condensed, abridged version, where you carelessly slashed away the supporting elaborative words that would immerse a reader into the story. what remained was, while the words were pretty enough they seem incomplete and rushed, and that as a result you skip on events too conveniently without explaining anything adequately. while i acknowledge the potential of this story, at this point in time you need to draw in more on your imagination on what happens and where it happens. there were times that your prose becomes a little too choppy, but in most cases you manage to let it flow nicely enough; you just have to work on the supporting scenario and details a little.

if i have to categorize this story (as of chapter 2), it would be "bare" and "raw". but you shouldn't be misled by that; i'm hoping for an improvement in the next few chapters, so this is a call for you that something's wrong, and you need to take it into consideration the next time you write the following update.

that's it, and i hope my honest critique does not offend or disappoint. keep writing!

~DD

I'm sure I'll continue to read this, there aren't many stories out there that catch my interest, but this one did :), check mine out as well if you want :-D

Very interesting. Can't wait to read more.

An interesting beginning. Aversia seems like an active young piece, and noone wants to listen to her. Ah, is that not the way of such stories.

Gee, and you either kill her or knock her out so early. I owuld guess that the next chapter will be about the Luchsierias. I wonder if they feel the same as the Schlusigs, or are they truly the scum that the Schlusigs see them as.

And what of Seth? He seems to be the rather stereotypical betraying villain type, but that is how we are taught to write such characters, is it not. Still, look forward to the next chapter.