AsA,
I have to say, that's a little too plausible. An overworked, perhaps borderline anorexic girl with a harsh family life and high expectations from those she associates with heightened by the pressures of being a teenager and her own personal unreasonable expectations begins to lose it and develops a second personality that will indeed eliminate the pressures. Gruesome. This is very good. I like the ambiguous nature of the crime throughout the piece and, of course, I hate the doctors who are both arrogant, incompetent, impatient, self-centered and stupid. All the things you should fear when going in for your check up, and funded by the government. I think there is a lot of pessimism lurking in your authorial heart. In any case, there are a couple of things that are a little *too* vague, like whythe doctor would not have a peaceful death. Does he fear for his life now that Dante has surfaced? Or is he just going to be haunted by a guilty conscious knowing he had a part in creating this monster?
Also, why was she here in the first place? Did she have a mental breakdown? Or perhaps she is extraordinary in some fashion? Maybe her family had her committed for some other reason as a result of their unreal expectations? These questions remain unanswered at the end of the story. You might consider answering a couple of them, as they could be easily inserted.
Okay, this is a novel in response to your short story, so I'll stop now. Keep writing.

Hey Asa^^ Good to see you're still writing. I shall critique to my fullest ability. The following thoughts occured during the course of reading, and the last bit will be my ending, complete thoughts on the full work. BWAH HAH HAH! er... anyways.

The first thing that strikes me is your use of caps in dialogue. You will never, ever find a reputable, published author or editor who will let you keep them in a work that is not casual. Rather than adding TO the emotion or inflection, they distract the reader. I suggest italics if you must stress the dialogue, but the best kind of dialogue is where the stress in already in the words, either because we know the character already, his or her speech patterns, or because we know how the words are supposed to sound. This is what you should aim for--putting the feeling in the words without caps or italics.

“I don’t KNOW! I don’t REMEMBER!” is way too much.
This: "Except there was no shelter to be had. Dr. Kenny, her /personal doctor,/ was in one of the two armchairs, waiting for her..." is just enough

Little typo here: "How kind of you to finally join us!” Dr. Kenny always spoke in third person, and it drove Ester bonkers." We, us and you are second person pronouns, not third. Third is he, she and they. First is of course, I.

Ah, Dante is coolness. I totally did not see that coming. You get inside his/its head easily, but Dr. Kenny is another matter. He doesn't seem nearly as realistic as Ester or Dante, I think because he's much more 1 dimensional--the arrogant, intelligent doctor. He needs another side, something to temper that, to make him more human.

Events progress very fast once Dante presents himself. I would expect maybe a little disbelief on the doctor's side, but there's still this mystery of where Ester is, why the interrogation is so harsh, and how long it's been going on. For some reason though, the Board seems superfluous, just a few interim sentences between Dr. Kenny doing what he either always does or had already decided. I almost think he would be a better "antagonist" if he were acting on his own, with full approval of this mysterious board beforehand.

These two following paragraphs presented a distinct change in POV, from limited omniscent to full omniscent, and I don't believe I like the dissociation between character and narrative. It seems much more distant, less...doing and more watching. Know what I mean?

"The weeks following that interview were frustrating for everyone involved. The Board wanted results, and they weren’t getting them. They’d never had a case of Multiple Personality Disorder develop while under their watch, and they wanted information. Dr Kenny wanted results too, but for a different reason – he wanted to see what made Ester and Danté tick, wanted to poke at them. But Ester didn’t change, and Danté never appeared, so he was left hanging. And Ester just couldn’t figure out what was going on. There would be times – random times! – when she’d get lost in a mental conversation with herself, and regain awareness of her surroundings somewhere else, having done something she couldn’t remember doing. And no one would tell her what she’d done! Ester wanted to believe it was a new experiment by the Board, because then she’d know approximately what to expect, but this didn’t fit any of their usual habits. And with the questions Dr Kenny was asking, he didn’t know either.

Ester would wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, in the bathroom, at the foot of her bed, sometimes even huddled in the corner, not knowing how she got there or why. It got to the point where she was ‘waking’ to herself in the middle of an action, with a funny feeling in her forehead that wouldn’t go away. Finally, she confronted Dr Kenny."

"Would, could, should" be used sparingly, IMO, in some POV's. I suggest those two paragraphs be reworked into something a little closer to Esther, and less monologue-y.

Again, when Dante comes back, the pace really picks up, but then suddenly vanishes. I think you need to decide on Dr. Kenny's character--it keeps shifting, first mean, then nervous. I realize the shifts occur because of interaction between the personalities, but people don't do that. He needs to decide who he is, and keep it steady.

At the end of the story, I feel it is too short, like I'm reading a brief overview of events, or just half and not the full work. Some mysteries were kept 'til the end maybe would have been better served as being told straight out, like why Ester was there. There were far too many posibilites. Museums? Pianos? Burns? At first, and until the end, I considered the entire work as a fantasy, maybe with demonesque undertones. Then I find out it's a totally non-fantasy story. My expectations, however unfounded, were not met, and that leaves me wanting something more. I'm not saying the premise needs to be changed, just that more information needs to be given earlier.

The mystery that keeps me reading should also be more, something more than just when Dante surfaced. Maybe some dark family secret, or even just some background on them? Memories would add a strong surrealistic influence, one that could work well. Disjointed memories could also do the same thing. Narrative of present action rather than narrative of past action would make the MPD much darker/realistic too. What if you're inside Ester's head and she's going somewhere with a goal in mind, and then ends up somewhere else? Finds something? Wakes up a day later? But these, WITHOUT would/could/should/ questions. 'Living' such experiences are far more powerful than questions about them AFTER the fact.

Don't be discouraged now! There's so much you can do with the story. It's when you come to point where there's nothing you can change that you have to worry ;) *grumbles about coming to such points herself* Hope to see you around more^^

-Kez

yo! long time no review! first off, you owe me so many reviews for FFA, missy. Second, the doctor's speech is not third person. That is first person plural. First peron is I/we, second is you, and third is he/she/them. Third of all, eek! that is creepy! can that actually happen to someone? that is really scary! But why didn't anyone *stop* ester/dante from leaving? then they could have given her meds and stuff...I mean, MPD is a real thing and they can treat it. Also, is her family dead? I didn't quite catch that.
miss you!
~earthie