|Reviews for Deathlift|
| Fractured Illusion 9/9/07 . chapter 3
"the other possibility." and some sentences later "stop thinking of all the possibilities" and in the other paragraph "not to think of every single possibility."
possibility, possibilities, possibility. Try to avoid unnecessary repetitions
"for four minutes and 12 seconds"
Why do you spell 4 with words and 12 in numbers? Be consistent.
I am really liking Joan. Like when she noticed his symptoms and went over the possiblities (crap, now I too say possibilities! :P) She's so fussy, but that's a nice trait.
Unnecesasry to have. We already this is Laurel's POV.
"The wind was blowing" is the start of a huge paragraph I suggest you size down a bit :P
"She had zoned out for a while" and in the next sentence: " She zoned out often"
Repetitions again. Unless this is a deliberate stylistic approach.
This Sparrow Creek place is really freaky. :P And the wires now, too along with the sand? I am getting Egypt images (which contradicts the Creek part, though it seems to be an oxymoron over there).
"playing a video game. She always was better at video games than real life combat."
video game, video game. Though this can be hard to find a synonym for, try to mesh the two sentences together so you won't have to repeat yourself:
"playing a video game, something she had always been far better at rather than real life combat."
I am really loving Joan again, with her viewing it as a video game just to be in control and all ; Ima take her home!
"and threw it at the
Why did you switch paragraph in the middle of a sentence? I am assuming an honest mistake, though if a stylistic choice: Me no likey, still.
"Her only chance of surviving this."
Taking out the "this" would give more impact, methinks
"Yes, it’s a cliffhanger. I feel evil. "
:P You have a weird perception of evil, because cliffhangers are a writer's best friend *pokes*
And I hope Laurel makes it and saves her! I really like Joan, as you might've figured, heh. She's so quirky and weird.
As in the previous chapters: The sentence-openers are majority nouns and that bugged me. Fix that, and you have a much better writing!
| Fractured Illusion 8/27/07 . chapter 2
"a weirdly queasy sensation"
Not too sure if I like that description. "weirdly" seems awfully out of place.
You switched POV without much warning in the paragraph that started with "And that situation would be", wherein the "WE know nothing about" and then later the "I don't know". I just wish to assure you, that you do not need to resort to such POV switcihng to get a point across. You could say the exactly same thing in 3rd POV, which is the one you chose prior. Ie "Questioning herself, she wondered what such a situation would be. Perhaps something along the lines of illegally residing in some stranger's house in a city neither knew much about. That was what she assumed at least, for she herself knew nothing of the city. She suspected Joan might."
Etc etc. Otherwise, for such POV switching, you should mark it with italics, to signal it is her thoughts.I personally don't care much when people do that, because it is much possible to say the same thing in 3rd pov. But ah well
(Tell me to shut up and I will)
Still enjoying Joan and Laurel, especially in combination. Will there be more depth to Joan later on?
I liked the last few paragraphs of the first scene. Quite nicely done, especially with how it always smelled soap in there! It's good to add smell into writing every now and then. And the whole Sparrow Creek really gives ominous vibes
"He realized he hadn’t felt any pain, just an odd, otherworldly sensation. Like lightening coursing through his blood. "
How is lightning coursing through his blood NOT feeling pain? O.o
General suggestion: Tone down the usage of adverbs (-ly words, like rhytmically, inexplicably, etc). Too much of them, and the story feel no longer alive. I'm having trouble with this myself
"“Zach,” stated the man coolly.
“Dude in lab coat,” replied Zach"
Bahah! Too amusing :P
"seem futile[,] he slowed to"
"He went into a panic"
the "a" does not fit
incorrect. Either "he came for" or "he had come for"
I have noticed you have a bad habit of starting most sentences with nouns (ie, he, his, she, the, -character name-, etc) particularly during Zach's scene. This is something you should stay from like your life depended on it. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating, but it is vital to not have all your sentences be so repetitive in how they start. you need variation. So work a bit on excluding the nouns as a first word in your sentences, mkay?
Regarding characters: I have yet to develop interest in Zach. The first scene with him, going birdman on them all, was impressive, but all other bits haven't really piqued my interest. It was a nice addition to add some humor in his scene at this chapter. It was needed, I think. It'd feel flat without it. And while we are on that subject, I am wondering who on earth lab coat guy is O.o ANd how he got there, etc.
Joan and Laurel I don't have much of a problem with. I find them both well done and interesting, so nothing to remark on there. Just be careful with Zach.
| Fractured Illusion 8/21/07 . chapter 1
(As I am way better at reviewing stories rather than poems, I'll have a go at this piece of yours, if you don't mind )
"clear enough to pick out individual voices in."
I am really skeptic to the usage on "in" in this sentence. I either want to switch it with a "from", or just skip it entirely.
"no one said or even thought one word"
*a* word would sound better
I like that you just all of a sudden made that chased one levitate! (question though; is "chasee" really a word?) Very nice and totally unexpected! :D Way to go in grabbing interest.
I am really shocked that the birdman was so totally nonchalant about the slaughter he had made, only focusing on his lack of shoes O.O It's like...whoaa (yeah... I'm articulate, aren't I? -.-)
Nice way to end the first scene btw
"She was a tall sixteen-year-old girl with short spiky blond hair and black thick-rimmed glasses. She wore a black tee shirt and blazer along with dark jeans and a metal-spiked belt."
This is what I like to call "listing", and it is not a really good idea to do in writing. Rather, you want to incorporate it into the actual story without being forced. Ie, "Pacing back and forth, the young female obsessively adjusted her black, thick-rimmed glasses." Something like that, ya know?
I like the interaction between Laurel and Joan, btw. Adds some comedy and easy going attitude My favorite part was definitely the first scene though, as it was most powerful and had a good impact. Plus its darker, and I have tendency to lean towards that :3
Reading about Zach in the second scene though, it makes it difficult to picture how he could just leave without so much as glancing back at the town he destroyed. Schizophrenic? :P
Anyhow. Interesting set of characters, definitely!
Keep it up! (Why is it labeled a manga though?)
| Imaginary Rose 5/18/07 . chapter 1
This was a really good first chapter. I'm sorry and I can't read on right now (school).
The length of the chapter was good, not too long, not too short.
The beginning was kind of vague. Not naming the guy at first was pretty good, but despite that the setting should have been described a little more.
I like Laurel and Joan's character, but you didn't really describe Zach's personality.
Thanks for writing such a good chapter though! Can't wait to read more.
| afterthefall 5/17/07 . chapter 1
Ok here goes, Im going to do this as I read so the first things are just notes made while reading. If you want the gist of it just skip to the end of the review.
"Grayish slush splashed in through the holes in his shoes each time they hit the pavement, sending a simultaneously jarring and sloshing sensation"
-Slush and sloshing sound really similar. Maybe a different adjective would have worked a bit better
"though he speeded up"
"-Speeded should be changed to sped, just a minor grammatical error
"What had before sounded like just a dull roar"
-Personally I prefer less wordy writing, it gets the message conveyed quicker and I have an easier time following along with the story. "Before" isn't necessary here because "sounded" is past tense and that implies that the action had happened before the present anyway.
"had almost done, because at right that moment"
"the crowd fell silent and people shifted uneasily from foot to foot"
-This doesn't seem to fit. These guys have just been chasing him, and now he's hovering in mid air. I'd think that they'd have a different reaction than just standing around awkwardly
"jerked back, and his eyes" should be "...jerked back. His eyes..."
-Another run-on here
"This he loaded with all the arrows at once"
-Awkward wording, possible change, "He loaded all the arrows into the bow at once,"
"Most arrows immediately fell uselessly to the ground,"
Why? Needs explanation
"But the creature didn’t let up, and it dove again, claws held out, this time connecting with him."
"When there were no more people in sight, the bird dove at buildings, fences, garbage cans, signposts, and everything in sight. "
-Where are these objects coming from? The setting needs to be better established, I can't form this scene in my mind because Im not sure where its taking place and the environment its in. How did these characters get to the neighborhood from this lab that they seem to have come from?
“How’s he doing?” she
-Needs new paragraph
Ok. This is a good story. You seem to have alot of interesting ideas here, but there are lots of run-on sentences and instances of awkward wording that detract from the enjoyment of the reader. In most cases, the less words you can use to get your ideas across the better. It makes the story flow better and your readers don't get caught up and confused in sentences with unecessary words that don't add anything to the meaning. I picked out a few examples of these things so you can see what I mean.
Other than that, my other suggestion is establishing the setting and imagery of a scene before it happens. I know you added some context and explanation to the fight scene at the end, but I would've liked some text adding some flavor to that whole chase/fight scene before hand. Because I didn't know where it was taking place until all the main action had happened I couldn't really imagine what was happening in my mind and that detracted alot from the scene.
Your content is great, you just need to improve on presentation. Im going to definitely continue to read since the story has got my interest and Im sure I'll see that you'll have improved on your delivery as you write more.
Keep it up :)
| Durandel 5/6/07 . chapter 4
Yo, I know I have been gone for quite a while, but I am coming back, I'm trying to get in contact with the people I knew before I left, so I'd though I'd say hi. I'm Ragnarok Elements by the way.
As I was looking through your reviews to find out the last vhapter I read, I realized that there was a guy giving much better advice than I could give, so I think you should listen to his, not mine.
But you really do a lot of telling and not showing, but I make a lot of the same mistakes to. Just make sure you have more showing so that way the reader will read more and get deeper into the story, if you tell them it'll just in through one ear and out the other. Yeah, other than that, this story is really good, the plot seems to be thickening, so you really are doing well with this story. I'll review the rest of this after I get the first chapter of SoP finished, so wait fr me until then!
| MaDMaS22 4/21/07 . chapter 5
Some of the dialog is a tad forced. Nothing serious but it could use a smoothing over.
Alot of the same issues I adderesed in the earlier chapters are still here. although im assuming that you havent had the chance to go back and edit which is understandable. remember show not tell.
Laurel seems to hate a lot of things...
interesting chapter. Hope to move onto the next when I have more time.
| MaDMaS22 4/17/07 . chapter 4
Well the first section ( the part in Italics) has alot of Tell instead of show. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesnt as you write you kinda get a feel for when to use which.
Kenny's stomach turned flips as he walked onto the stage.
Kenny was nervous as he walked on the stage.
One invokes a feeling that you wish the reader to feel. The other leaves the reader subject to his own imagination of what nervous is. Of course this is an off the cuss example but you get the idea.
Not sure how far along you are with your writing but I used to write like this. well my writing when I started was far worse. Tense error and such all over the place. But I guess after reading enough and really analizing why mine sounded weird and theirs didnt I figured it out. Id like to help you a bit if you dont mind.
"He didn’t know what he had been expecting to see upon waking, but it certainly wasn’t this. The house was in shambles, and seven-foot-high metal creatures were swarming around the place, not noticing or caring that each step they took made dents in the floor that looked like miniature craters. One of the invaders was lying motionless on the ground, and the sword protruding from its head lead Zach to believe the thing was dead. Most of the other invaders held the same type of sword, shiny smooth metal and about as long as he was tall."
"As Zach's head cleared, he tried to wrap his brain around what he saw. The house was in shambles. Numerous mechanical beings thundered around the small room. Each step they took did more damage than the last. Their foot sized impact creators ran all over the floor."
-An invader lay on the floor motionless, splintered between two haves of their dining room table. An oily grey sword had wedged itself into what Zach assumed was it's head. His fellow invaders shared similar blades. Thick weapons that were as long as Zach was tall.
Joan dangled helplessly, pinned against the wall by an invader clone. Ect(going on to describe the way she is pinned by her throat or w/e)-
In anycase show dont tell. Certain details the reader can fill in on their own. I used to have an issue with wanting my reader to know exactly what a character looks like. Dont get me wrong I still dont have it all down but its ok to just give a general description. and show the reader little details as the story moves along.
Try not to describe action in this tense.
"His claws sliced at another of the metal things, and it raised its sword as though it was about to attack him."
"His claws tore away at the metal intruder as it raised its sword, attempting to attack."
very rarely do you want to use (was) in that way. for example
Sarah kicked billy square in the knee.
Sarah was kicking billy square in the knee.
Now which to you thing sounds better? I submit to you that the first sounds the best.
As you develop as a writer you will get a feel for when to and when not to use (was). Even just reading published authors with a style that you like will really help you with little technical things.
As far as the rest of the story I really like it.
Ok one last tip
"Laurel looked up, (seeing that) not only had the web stopped shooting sparks, it had just plain stopped."
"Laurel looked up. Not only had the web stopped shooting sparks, it had just plain stopped."
Those words are unnecessary. also the comma there just puts two sentences together that could easily be separate (this second part im saying is defiantly something that I just plain suck at. Im trying to get better at my syntax)
So these type of things are all through out the chapter. Im not going to point them all out because thats not going to make you a better writer. But with the examples that I gave you, you should be able to figure out how to fix the issues. Teach a man *cough* girl to fish or w/e.
As far as the story. I like it so far. Zach seems pretty cool. I like the way he transforms and kicks but.
I was afraid for Laurel a few times. I kinda have the feeling that she is the type of character that is going to die before the end of the story. But what do I know.
Nice ending. I suppose that throws a bit of awkwardness into the mix for Zach. Will he keep using his powers 0.'
Check out my attempt at a manga. Absolute Offense. I cant draw but ill probably get someone to draw it for me one day.
Ps. you have not been active recently
Come back ok.
| MaDMaS22 3/28/07 . chapter 3
"That’s when she remembered Zach was still here. She drew nearer to the mound"
This paragraph is rather jumbled. It also has alot of rather unrealistic info dumping. I mean sometimes as writers we have to do it... but do be careful.
The RPGish bit was rather funny. I think it would have been a bit more acceptable if your character had somesort of device that was allowing her to view the situation in this way or even if she herself was some type of robot and was able to deduce all these things rapidly. Idk It just seems kinda unrealistic for a normal human to think in this way during an intrusion. Still an original and novel idea.
In certain spots your was and is and "she/he 'verb'" are a little off tense wise. also some of the action descriptions are just awkward.
Action Scenes are my favorite thats the only reason that I am commenting on this in particular
A sword was thrown at her and missed narrowly, grazing her shoulder before sticking in the wall behind her. She pulled the weapon out and held it in her hand.
The reader wants to know where the sword came from or at least an allusion as to the general direction. Another thing to consider is adding description to your action. ie. The sword chattered as it flew through the air.
Im feeling rather lazt but I hope you get the idea.
Another thing to remember is that the reader always wants to know a detailed description of how a character and his opponent/ opponents got there bodies and weapons from point a to point b to point c and ect.
Har interesting end to the chapter. Again I like the story and shall return.
| MaDMaS22 3/22/07 . chapter 2
hm back again
ill cut to the Chase onto the review
"Then again, that was what she was, wasn’t it? The thought caused a weirdly queasy sensation to settle in her stomach."
Some of your descriptions such as this one could realy benifit from more subtle description. kinda like unwrapping the effect or feeling slowly. Not saying you always have to do it but if you have the time or if you write in drafts heck why not.
an example - _'s gut began to prikle with a strange churning, at the thought. She felt as though she could vomit.
thats not the best example either in choice of reference (meaning your description was not that blunt here) or example but I hope you get the concept im trying to present.
Nice "Her shoes made crunching noises as she walked across the red dusty earth. The sky was like a grey dome hanging overhead, blocking out the warmth of the sun."
I really like this description. I think I have a pretty bad habit of not describing my landscapes well. But my landscape mental vocab is pretty small. the rock was wet. it was dark. lol thats how I describe landscapes I really need to read up on that more. but in anycase. Since you are clearly gifted in this area. Expound even moreso. I kinda want to see a little bit more of this world that you are revealing before you get back to character movement and dialouge.
"He realized he hadn’t felt any pain, just an odd, otherworldly sensation. Like lightening coursing through his blood. He hesitantly put his hand back on the wall, hearing a slight sizzling sound as he did so, yet it didn’t burn him."
another example of what I was talking about before. just how does lighting feel coursing through the blood. it leaves alot up to the readers own interpretation. you want to try and give the reader the sensation you want them to feel. in anycase. its not a fault or a flaw that I would take point off for or anything lol but if you do revise your chapters add in details in sensory description.
Hmm the time seems to be diffrent than when I thought it was. Earth exists obviously. I assumed that they were on earth in the first chapter. but now it seems this is set to be a little more modern day. what with the walmart and everything. ut then again maby wallmart took over the world *_-
nice,"feeling the flames lick at his skin."
thats excellent sensory description.
?The Flame thing was an arrow?
?I thought zach went out of control when he transformed? (in refrence to him being surprised about the no damage thing)
well interesting chapter. hope the review is helpful. this story has a fair amount of potential just a suggestion tho do update your old chapters that way you can constantly figure out what elese needs to be done. instead of everyone telling you the same mistakes over and over again.
| MaDMaS22 3/15/07 . chapter 1
"But the last voice never got a chance to say what the mob had almost done, because at right that moment, the chasee leapt into the air… and stayed there. The crowd fell silent and people shifted uneasily from foot to foot. As he hovered in the air, limp and unmoving and strangely innocent, no one said or even thought one word. It was as though time was as paralyzed with apprehension as they were."
This part sounds so cool. But be careful because for me the misspellings throw this whole beautiful description down the toilet. Chasee is not a word. the threat/soldier/guard/mystery... you get the idea. But this part is beautifully written Chasee just takes me out of the moment tho.
While im on that I have noticed just reading to this poin that you need to do a Re read. you have a few minor mispellings and unnecessary words.
"and though he speeded up they still outmatched his pace. What had before sounded like just a dull roar had become clear enough to pick out individual voices in."
Speeded is again not a word. Sped. But its ok. The only reason that I am pointing these thing out is because it is written so well that this type of stuff sticks out like a brown patch in your lush green garden. Honestly the description is very vivid. I can already see the sopping wet character running...
“His gait is all weird, he must be injured!”
I really like that line I have no clue what a Gait is but I really feel like a soilder/enemy/mystery would say something like that.
The crowd fell silent and people shifted uneasily from foot to foot.
this part confused me too. I dont know if you are refering to other people or the group that has been chasing after the main character.
I was going to quote it but your exchanges in dialog flow really well. I suck at the whole starting the character talking then say "said", then continue talking. I mean Im just not good at doing that. I dont even utilize it as an option.
Ok I think I get everything now. the Chasee was the one being chased I was thinking it was the dude who stopped talking. But that comes into play because of the confusion caused by using a non real word. Its ok tho. In anycase on the whole I would say the descriptions of the action varried in quality throughout. Im not trying to be harsh... its just that the begining was so Good. You seemed to have this crazy style that was very fresh. But the quality slipped a few times. Im not sure if that was because you needed to go back over and proof read or if you were not really comfortable in the initial style you started in. But if I could recommend anything in the future it would be to read those first few paragraphs over clean them up just a bit. and run with that crazy fresh style. Im looking forward to see if you improve on it in the later chapters. I cant review anymore tonight cause my naruto download just finished ta-ta...
PS... What is Slash. Im kinda clueless.
| Noihseret 3/8/07 . chapter 6
go Zachy! lol. ( “But you can pour the juice on the cereal if you want,” Erika informed them.) my favourite line. keep up the great work!
| Ting Xue 3/6/07 . chapter 6
This is good... update soon!
Can you read and review my story, please? Thnx!
| Durandel 3/1/07 . chapter 3
Sorry for not reviewing this in so long! School and sports kill you on time. Well this was good, and you did your action scences quite well, although some of the descriptions sounded like one of those DBZ fights, the ones that had a mixed flurry of kicks, puches, and stabs. Try to make the fight scene a bit more simple, making them do simple, but yet cool looking moves to finish off their opponents, the fight like it was a RPG was kind of funny, I'll give you props on that. Well, make your fight scenes simple but cool, and you'll have some of the best action sequences on FP, good luck.
| Noihseret 1/14/07 . chapter 5
I like Erika. she sounds like a very interesting character. poor Zach and Joan, what ever are they going to do?
by the way, Meteor Town sounds really cool! especially how Sparrow Creak was built over it. what a cool concept.
this story is really getting good. I'm hooked
till next time!