Good flow and storytelling, I would however like to see it formatted into a stanza, it would be less confusing and allow each line to sink in.

-Mistress of Eternity

The imagery in this piece is pretty, but on the whole this poem sounds a little like some encouraging Hallmark greeting card to me. If you were going for that, you hit the nail on the head. I do applaud your use of an unorthodox format for poetry. It’s always nice to see something different. Keep writing.