Reviews for My Veteran - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: My Veteran - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Eve's Deception 2008-07-06 ch 1,	abuseaw, this is absolutely heartbreaking and beautiful. its amazing i love the way its seperated in all the right places and the transistions that take place. it really is a work of art. good job =]
Isca 2008-07-05 ch 1,	abuseYou went and made me all teary-eyed, but I don't mind, it just demonstrates your superb writing abilities. This was a great, emotional piece.
CaveDwellers 2007-12-27 ch 1,	abuseOh. That was cute. It really was. And it was true. Nobody really pays much attention to Veteran's Day. My dad's the same way--about the injustice of not really being recognized, that is. He doesn't have the scars, or the nightmares. I like the style that this was written in. It started off in a third-person-like style, and then it melted into first person. Even though it was technically in first person the entire time, I still thought that touch was pretty cool, because you didn't know it was in first person until the oneshot's almost over. There's a lot of voice in the third person perspective, but it still makes you think that it's just someone looking in on his life, not somebody who's a part of it. The imagery(sp?) was good, but not overwhelming, and the dialog was okay, though I think you could have used a bit more slang. Unless their an older couple, then it's a moot point. And no spelling/grammar/punctuation errors that I can see. 'Til next, CD 1.0
The Breakdancing Ninja 2006-12-01 ch 1,	abuseThe story is exquisite up until the point that becomes slightly self-serving. [When he got back, he didn’t think that his fiancée would marry him. But I did. And he doesn’t think that anyone accepts him, taking those looks as proof for his doubts.] I think, we should find a better way to convey that. It went off as a red light to me--there's nothing that could compensate this man who'd come back so scarred, and the story makes it known. So what's it to us if he was married? The key is the gratefulness and the thoughtfulness that comes with saying "I love you" and "Thank you". This is extra fluff. Take an in-moment scene to convey the meaning. Maybe when he came back, he couldn't look the narrator in the eye. "When he got back, he couldn't even look at me. Even when I tried to embrace him, he looked like he felt ashamed." The reason why I would edit it, is so the story continues as -his- story, not the narrator's. Though the narrator's love and acceptance is important, it shouldn't override the pain the veteran is feeling. [He nods, pretending to be indifferent, trying his best to be manly about the whole thing.] I really liked this characterization. Throughout the story, I read into his character and felt he was really timid. It made me sort of fluttery. LOL [He’s going to relish those three words like a connoisseur gets pleasure from the wine that’s swishing around in his mouth. I know it.] I love this description--it's right on target. [I get off of the couch, smoothing out the wrinkles in my knee-length floral skirt. Walking over to him, my black stilettos clicking on the hardwood floor, I whisper, “I love you,”] I think the descriptions take away from the effect of the "I love you." Maybe more introspect would be good there. I understand that later on, the "tall" description won't work without the heels, but maybe you could cut down. This next portion isn't a re-edit, but just a list of suggestions that you might want to take from if you like it at all. "I get off of the couch, smoothening the wrinkles out of my skirt. I can see the confused squint in his eyes as he reads through the bills. I walk around the table, and stand behind him, resting my chin against his shoulder. I feel happy he's home. 'I love you,' I whisper in his ear." [“I still don’t understand why. How many beauty pageants have you won? How many guys have probably dreamed about you? You’re the most beautiful woman alive and yet you’re living with me.”] Yuck! Take this out; it hurts my eyes. hahaha How about just, "He looks at me and shakes his head with disbelief. His smile widens: 'God, you're so beautiful.'" [“I’m only beautiful because you think I am and if I weren’t married to you, I wouldn’t have anyone to tell me that.”] That would make a little more sense as a follow up; I understand the point is unconditional love, but we could see it already just in the fact that she is living with him and loves him. All this extra B.S. about her being the ONLY one that accepts him, and her being really beautiful doesn't matter. The story is about him. [And the looks that he gets only add to his insecurities.] Everything up to this sentence was remarkable; it really reached past the self and pulled me in. I got to see a war-ravaged man, -embarrassed- to come home to the people he had been protecting all this time. I felt that this first portion of the story was the most empathetic part; it lost me right after this sentence. Maybe you might consider a few re-edits. The story has a good command of the first person narration, and is smooth and delicate. Good job on this piece. Rock on!
notated descant. 2006-11-26 ch 1,	abuseNot bad... it's pretty good, and I like how you've captured a different side of veterans in this sense. (oh, thanks for the review!) Keep on writing!
Da Vinci at Work 2006-11-19 ch 1,	abuseVery powerful and deep. But usually veterans don't complain. They did what they did for their country, not for the glory, but for helping others. That is what counts.
a bitter kiss. 2006-11-18 ch 1,	abuseThanks for reviewing my story. Also, thanks for pointing out that mistake. :) So I came here to review yours... ... and I'm so happy I did. Really, the woman, she seems so lovely and kind, even if you didn't describe her that much - which is a good thing. Not many writers can pull off a character's personality by not having to go overboard with descriptions and etc. Great job. :D
ONETRACKMlND 2006-11-16 ch 1,	abuseDeep.
Gypsy Pink 2006-11-15 ch 1,	abuseSo sweet and sad. Is the wife really lovely? I think her character is. I feel so sorry for the veterans! This is a really beautiful...one-shot (?).
Writing4Eternity 2006-11-13 ch 1,	abuseGood story
the hitchhiker2 2006-11-12 ch 1,	abusei thought that was nicely written. good job :), keep writing!
Orual 2006-11-12 ch 1,	abuseVery nice story. It's poignant at points, convicting at others, but very good all around. It's too easy to lose track of the people fighting a war in your opinion of the war, and that's not fair to them. Great work.
carrot101 2006-11-12 ch 1,	abuseWow... that was a very sad and sweet piece. At first, the beginning paragraphs were confusing, but after that, it all comes together in to perfect sense! Question: Is this really from YOUR POV, or the character's? Just wondering... So, yes, I liked this very much. It is very depressing when something like this happens to you. Although, this is a thoughtful reminder that you shouldn't treat people differently, even if they had gotten disfigured from an explosion while fighting for our country. It gives you a little insight to what they are thinking when others stare at them.
AC 2006-11-11 ch 1, anon.	abuseVery sweet and touching. I hope you have more one-shots like these!
Radio Saturday 2006-11-11 ch 1,	abuseWow. That was really wonderful. This is the kind of thing that I guess you'd call a tender and moving portrait, but I've never really come across much that deserved the name. God knows there's little enough that's this moving and lovely without seeming saccharine in publishing at large, let alone on FictionPress. The only problems I had with it are the sentence "The stares, that is." I found the clarification unnecessary and a little jarring. The other is something that threw me off when the narrator mentions her "black stilettos." I'm not sure what it is; I think just that the term "stiletto" as applied to shoes wasn't used until the 1950s and everything else in the story is remarkably timeless. Other than the heels, it could have taken place at any time in the last century, or even before. So maybe change that. Just me. But I love this story. Thank you so much for reviewing me, since without that I'm not sure I would have found this remarkable work of fiction. Your style is polished and mature. A job very well done, Miss Faria! Bravo!

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