|Reviews for The War of Aizza and Qaletaqa|
| RaelynRayne 11/20/08 . chapter 17
I enjoyed this story as well, however I hope that is not how it ends... Are you planning on finishing this one?
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 17
Wah! It ended rather abruptly! I don't think everything had been resolved!
Ok, first thing first. Good move with the endy light thing. But Ramla mentioned that Faylinn used the cloak earlier but I don't recall when she did. And I've come to the conclusion that Gianna is a bit of a background character since the majority of this story is about Ramla and Faylinn. And what's this? Ramla and Emir totally screwed each other in the forest! I'd imagine Ramla to be more agressive than passive. I guess that's the beauty of it, after thinking about it I guess the latter actually makes sense in a twistedly beautiful kind of way. And Kalei and Faylinn too! But they were just cute together. Aw, it makes me blush just thinking about it. Ahem, not that Ramla and Emir didn't have their own style of wild passionate love making.
Ok, now onto the more serious stuff:
You named both Ramla and Faylinn's mother but they never came up again. Also, it seems that Ramla and her mother still had that dramatic tension in the car that was never resolved (my God I can't beleive I remember all this). Officer Hawthorne had his little part but then was just done. Gianna turned out to be a background character (which is alright I guess, poor Gianna). Whatever happened to the resistance? Who ambushed and killed them? What ever happened to Jahzara anyway? The end battle was a bit rushed, I got the feel it was pretty big, but it just sort of happened. What happens to the three girl heroines now? Did they go back to their world? Did they stay? Did Ramla become the new queen to compliment her equally strong husband? Did Faylinn marry Kalei and the two of them become advisors for the new kingdom? (As you can see, this is where my naive, lighthearted gullible nature rears its ugly head; so what if I like fairytale endings)
But yeah...the story is really done! It feels like so many things were left out. My guess is you did rush the ending, due to various circumstances that often plague writers, but fear not! I think I've given you a pretty good summary of what I think of you story...oh wait, no I haven't.
Some of the subject matter wasn't my favorite (emo, cynicism, people getting emotionally hurt (I'm a baby)) but it was a pretty good story overall! Faylinn remains my favorite character though Ramla and Gianna had their moments. I really like them alot. The way you tied the zombies was brilliant! I thought it was pretty original and creative on your part. The little battle between Prince Emir and the usurper was a good tension and dramatic fight thingy. The three girls were heroines in their own rites and I rather enjoyed how well you depicted them all. I think this is a great story, but I will be honest, you do seem like an ameteur writer. I consider myself an ameteur writer too so don't worry. But to me professional writers are people who excel in prose, style, story, characterization, and m some other stuff. I'm too lazy to find my big book of smart things about stories. I think you've got characterization down, and I think you've got plot down. You're prose could use some work and your style could use some work. I'm sorry I'm vague, but I addressed alot of problems in the previous reviews. Ah...just make sure your story answers all unfinished questions, cause nothing bugs readers more than feeling unsatisfied.
Wow, I've never read a story from start to finish here on FP. You're my first! I hope I was helpful and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns, just let me know. But alas, I am only one person, and if you want to be a great writer, you'll need more people to look at your stuff. Unfortunately, FP seems to be lacking in serious writers. Most people write a few chapters and then never finish their stories. It's the same with their reviews. Anyway, good luck on future endeavors!
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 16
Sucks to be the resistance guys. Terrible loss, I mourn for them. Some grammatical errors I think, but nice touch of beauty in this chapter. The descriptions of the sky and scenery looked serene. And it was also a good move to make the sky so blue and placid wheras the ground was littered with dead bodies. Death is associated with glumness (dark clouds, cloudy day, rain, snow) but juxtaposing it with a magnificently clear day just outlines what happened. As I said, I mourn for the fighter dudes.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 15
Some minor grammatical errors, but nothing noteworthy. I don't think I saw anything bad or confusing. Nice use of power on Ramla's part. And I do wonder what Gianna's power is in all this. Because she doesn't do much she's fallen behind Ramla and Faylinn in terms of characterization. I've also noticed that Gianna almost never has any internal thought processes. We see Ramla and Faylinn complaining, contemplating, or pondering alot, but Gianna surprisingly never gets any of that. Is this intentional? I think Gianna could provide a sort of comic relief given her personality. She seems a little more twisted than the other two, or just a bit darker. Anyway, I'm just saying it's something to consider. Faylinn and Ramla seem to do the talking a lot too. Understandable.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 14
The prince is amusing in his own way. His personality is much different than everyone else's, which should prove to be an interesting mix. At least his friend is more level-headed. And he hit Ramla! What an asshole! And finally the mystery is revealed. The prince killed all those people! Didn't see that one coming, that's so...terrible? It kind of gives me the willies when I think that whole thing was just a planetary accident and miscalculation on their part. I guess that adds to the underlying cynicism of, after all that the situation could be summed up with an almighty, "whoops."
I didn't understand the significance of the family and relatives at the end of the chap, but I suppose I'll find out later.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 13
First bit about the weapons:
I know it didn't have to come up before, but it might be a little convienent for them to suddenly know how to fight. If I were you, I'd mention what you mentiond here earlier in the story, perhaps when they were at the martial arts shop. You don't neccissarily have to have them fight, but I think it'd be a good idea to mention before, and then remind us right now. I can explain it better if you PM or something.
"Suddenly a brand of fire erupted from the shadows and Faylinn, reacting as quickly as she knew how, put up a shield that covered the direction the flame had come from so that after ducking that first flame the attacker/s would have to move before they could attack again and that would give away their position."
Might want to throw a period in there or two, and tidy it up a wee bit. Actually the paragraph after this one was kinda long too.
Hah, the prince, what a guy. Sounds like the typical rape and pillager to me. His mental processes are kind of...mm, barbaric for lack of a more elegant word. I hope he doesn't try something, he may find it a bit tough.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 12
More questions and such, dealing with plot convenience for the most part.
‘Why you’re in Kamanar of course, the Capital of our world.’
I think it's better to have "the Capital of the world" since saying "our world" makes it sound like he knows about other existing worlds...at least, I'm pretty sure he doesn't, or shouldn't, or that's how I read it anyway. The next part was about the audience with the king. I assumed the three of them didn't wouldn't have known that the king was in that particular house building thing. Rather, if the king did live in that house thingy, I'd assume an appropriate response would be "You mean, the King lives right here?" in which the butler could go "Of course" or instead, I'd think Ramla would say "If it is possible, we'd like an audience with the one in charge." Of course, if both of my assumptions are wrong because you did in fact state that the butler said ‘well, we do, but our lord, has conquered them all during his reign,' I still didn't see how the three of them would have ascertained that they were at the doorsteps to the kings home. Sorry, if I'm confusing you or not making much sense, it's really hard to explain what I want to explain.
Oh no, I hope Janie didn't meet a cruel demise. It's just too sad! But alas, it is probably what happened.
"Though, from her history lessons back at school looking back on the Victorian era, she knew that it wasn’t usually as easy as just quitting a job. There’d be many, many, strings attached and they needed to move almost invisibly, causing as few ripples through society as possible, to avoid detection and capture."
That seemed a little confusing to me. Not sure what you were trying to say and I'm not really exactly sure how I took it.
Break time! I'll get back to you on the rest of this story at a later date. Nice cliff, I can't wait to see what happens.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 11
Something I forgot to add last chap:
Something else that wasn't obviously stated, but I'm going to assume the three of them are friends now? It might be a good idea to play that part a little in the last chapter. Throw bits and pieces on how Faylinn slowly got to know the other two. It's just a suggestion, so do with it as you wish.
Alright, so hurrah! Interesting things in this chapter! First the wierd portal thingy! And then the even more interesting thing! zomg, they've gone back in time or something weird! Just some thoughts though, was it that they were in a medival looking era or that they were in an era with Victorian looking houses? I don't think those eras overlap. I think the Victorian architecture was post Renaissance. Medival houses were brick and mortar or shacks of wood. The classier people lived in elaborate...ok, actually I don't really know what they lived in other than your standard typical stone castle.
But I'm looking forward to what happens next. I was starting to get bored of the mall anyway. Heh.
| Virage 1/5/07 . chapter 10
Months passed, and it seemed like quite a jump from the last chapter. (probably since I'm reading this things back to back lol) but you might want to tweak it a little. I leave that suggestion entirely up to you. Also, it's not said, but I'm assuming the security camera thing was a no go. I guess I'm assuming that other readers would assume that as well. And ooh, what an interesting cliff with the boy's bathroom and all.
Um, not much else to critique lol.
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 9
Ok, just one thing about the presses, I have a feeling you went a little overboard with the negative aspects. I would think the press would be much more neutral. They'd ask questions closer to "Can we get a statement? Can I speak to one of you three? Can you tell us in your own words what happened? Do you have at least one thing you would like to say?" Things like that. Press or normally neutral to events. Now, of course there are those jackasses who are like paparazzi. If you want to go with the negatives for more of that emotional knife edge, you could just have two assholes work their way to the front and then just have start firing off obviously biased questions...like the ones you got now. But that goes for the newslady/man too. Anchors are extremely careful with how they word things. Actually, if you watch them closely you'll notice they almost never frown or show emotion when they do tragic pieces.
The part where Ramla saw the news and went up stairs was pretty exciting too. I kept going "What happened!" I really liked Gianna's answer to Ramla's question lol. About how she could be so calm. She said the answer so matter of factly it made me smirk. In a good way.
Also, you might want to relook at this sentence:
In her haste to make it to the top of the stairs and Faylinn’s bedroom, she pushed past Gianna without realising on her way up and once she got to Faylinn’s bedroom she shook Faylinn endlessly, even when she’d awoken she didn’t stop.
I'd do it:
In her haste to make it to the top of the stairs and into Faylinn's bedroom, she pushed past Gianna without realising it. But once she got to Faylinn's bedroom, she shook Faylinn endlessly, and continued to do so even after she woke up.
But most importantly, don't be afraid to use periods. They can be your best friend if used properly.
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 8
I'm impressed at how you handled the lawyer, police force, and press. Other authors would have chalked that one up to assumptions, glanced it over, or would have said "Cause Jesus said so." Officer Hawthorne is kind of funny though, I like his cynical attitude. Now, like you said in your story, he's a guy that could afford to be skeptical and cynical. Ok, so for my compulsory notes. Do people really eat beans with bacon and egss? Ok, but seriously, the idea of coming up with that lawyer statement was good on their part. And then the fact that the cops supposed to be guarding them but left was another point chalked up to the girls. But about the notes, is there a reason you didn't put any of that in quotes? It was done in first person plural, but there was no indication of it breaking from the rest of the story. My suggestion is to italicize the entire statement. From "The three of us were in the changing rooms" all the way down to "We wish to clear our names" would look better in italics. Or maybe, just add some kind of break or something. Just to set it apart from the rest of teh story.
Like I said, Officer Hawthorne made me laugh. His tidbit about the cops that were supposed to be on duty but weren't made me laugh. He reminds me of the typical hardass cop that's suspicious but then may or may not becomes a good guy? Am I jumping ahead of myself? Kinda like that detective from "The Detective Story" from Animatrix.
In a child’s mind this would’ve have meant that he was a bad man – not caring for the truth and lying but, to a teenager, it simply added to the overall picture that the world is full of lying and deceitful behaviour. This is why so many teenagers are cynical…their eyes have been opened to the ‘real’ world. Those that are still happy and carefree either haven’t come up against big problems yet and are lucky, or hide behind a mask of childishness. It’s a macabre picture, true, but a truthful one.
My philosophical answer to cynics in general:
“Bark is worst than you’re bite,” I sneered. “Sure you act tough, but who’s the real pubescent little girl? What happened, did you get dumped by a boy in elementary school that you really liked? Did your parents not read you enough bedtime stories? Did Santa forget to visit you one Christmas?”
(It's part of a story I'm working on) but I just wanted to say that I'm a happy-go-lucky, naive, gullible guy. lol. So I'm almost always at ends with the sarcastic, pessimistic, cynical, emo, Romantic, goths I run into irl. But I can hold my own against them philosophically and intellectually.
None of this has anything to do with your story and I don't really know why I brought it up. But down with the cynics and hurrah for the naive! I hope you don't take any offense, I'm just joking. All fun and games!
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 7
So I think I forgot to point out something the last chap, but damn, I forgot it as quickly as I remembered. Ah, but I have chosen to side with Faylinn. She's become my favorite character. She's realistic and treats the situation as closely to how I would probably act or react if something like that were to happen. Ooh, I remembered what I was going to say, last chap, Faylinn pointed out that she had just met the other two that day and didn't really know anything about them and even became suspicious of them. That was a good move imo. I think she had every reason to be suspicious. Of course we know...(I saw we as readers lol, but I don't know if anyone else has read this far) that those suspicions are unfounded, but If I were Faylinn and I just happened to be hanging out with Ramla and Gianna that day and all that happened, well under the circumstances, I'd totally be paranoid too.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to point out. That Faylinn is the anchor that makes this story believable. Not in the sense that there are psychics and zombies, but in the sense that her reactions are realistic and her intents and emotions are just as realistic...imo. Anywho, I found something to complain about! I'm starting to get a feel for your prose and style...and I'm put off. Just a little. I'm sorry, I don't have any deep rooted meanings behind the complaint, but I'm just saying. But the story is still great! Also, there's a few uneeded exclamation points. My suggestion is just to read outloud as you have it written. If you do I think you'll find yourself yelling at inappropriate times. lol. I also think some of your sentences might be too wordy and too lengthy too. I didn't see any in this chap, but if I find a good example, I'll point it out for you. Oh and you've got lots of single quotes when they should be double quotes. Single quotes are generally reserved for either thoughts or quotes within quotes. Though, I prefer italics in those cases.
Hang in there Faylinn!
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 6
lol, you're characters scare me. Well, not Faylinn so much as Ramla and Gianna. But that's an understandable reaction. Why do we play zombie games? Why are zombies such a hit to horror culture? Because they are the only thing you can indescriminately kill without consequence. One of my friends once said he wished zombies were real just so he could have something fun to kill. Ahem, those were his views and not mine. But anyway, the whole thing with the crystals, the colors and pyrite and what not, sounded cool. But what made this chapter really interesting is the fact that the outside world may have to deal with zombie creature things. I can't wait to see what happens next.
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 5
ah crap, what a terrible time to pause. Great cliff though.
I really liked how you explained the exact processes of them getting better. It was a little quick, but given the situation, they didn't have a choice. Most people just assume their heroes/heroines become badass and don't really show us how. And the explanation of how the psychic analogy of tossing shuriken through the air was great too. I didn't really think about it, but wow, if imagining flying objects to be like tennis balls was how you throw them, and controlling them with your mind until they hit the target was how to move them midflight, it would really hurt to do that. You'd probably go into mental shock as if your brain had hit the wall. I thought that was a great way to explain that whole thingy.
And the psychic trails was really cool to. I like knowing the exact components of how otherwordly powers operate. To me, you can't just say "it works because it works." I think you really do need to have some kind of mechanics to it and show it work like a set of gears in a machine, or how an math equation gives the right answer because you can follow it all the way along until the end. So awesome job!
Do or die time! I hope the shuriken training pays off, looking forward to next chap.
| Virage 1/4/07 . chapter 4
Doing as she did when she was a child Ramla looked at one of the shuriken and looked at its every feature, breaking it down, then she found herself instinctively willing it down into her hands…even though she knew it was physically impossible for any of them to just appear in her outstretched hand…unless the cord holding them up there broke…and that would be excruciatingly painful.
This confused me a lot until I read it a few times. Basicall you're saying something simple in a very roundabout way, but I think that was intentional. You're just appealing to Ramla's narrative voice. But because of its roundabout way, it confused me at first. I'm not complaining or praising, just merely pointing out. But I think things like that might be the source of confusion in other spots in the chapter/previous chapters. Maybe I'm dumb and just don't get things that quickly!
Anyway, the story has definitly gotten wierd since the beginning. There's also some minor gramatical errors (a forgotten end quote near one of the bottom paragraphs) but I think the realism is starting to falter a little too. I was going to complain about Faylinn, Ramla, and Gianna's dialogue choices to certain actions, reactions, or phrases, but I think its working. They're staying true to their personality.
Just the bit about the 20cm deep indent in the wall. I think that's...just a bit too deep. That's kind of scary if you think about it. But maybe that was intentional too. I'll rev one more chap and then take a break. I can't wait to find out what happens to the three of them.