Oh. This is getting good--I wonder how these people figured out who the judges are. Poor Layton. Sounds like they really kicked the shit outta him.

The new teacher interests me a great deal--the very way you explain him leaves the implication of hidden knowledge and being more than he appears.

Also. Valis surprises me--in my mind he was a kind of rough-and-tumble guy with an essentially nonchalant demeanor, but Merrick and he don't seem to get along very well, do they. Valis shocked me with his effecient orders and demands and the way he intimidated Merrick. But I don't mind that much--don't change anything for me! Keep writing it how you want it to be.

I don't mind if it isn't monthly. Trimonthly, perhaps. :lol: So long as it's not every half-year I'm patiently fine.

May the well of inspiration never run dry and the spark of motivation never go out! Good luck with writing!

Took me long enough XD

Hmm... a very dynamic chapter. Now that I've read it 3 or 4 times on various occasions, I shall go wading through and try to find things to fix.


SECTION 1
P1:
- "...frail: that's..." semicolon?
- Something's iffy about the parallel structure in the 3rd sentence... maybe carry the "his" through the list, or change the verb that follows "his frail flesh."
- Again, some iffiness with the parallel structure after "anything," especially since you repeat "stop the" but stack adjectives that get separated by that bothersome thing called punctuation.
P2:
- I dislike the word "spittle." Foam, perhaps?
- "He and everyone else" instead of "Him and everyone else" I think. Let me run through the grammar on that... Hm. I think it should be "He" since it's acting as the second half of "what he was." By that logic, it should be "he" since you've got a handy linking verb. Does my grammatical explanation make any sense? @_@
- Starting with "And when the veneer..." you switch verb tenses from past to present. I'd say keep it consistent for Gareth's thoughts, either all past or all present. I think the fact that they're thoughts is what made you drift to present tense.
P3: I like the itals. I'm not sure why.
P4: Excellent train of thought but WHY SO MANY "TO BE" VERBS? Stop killing me with that poisoned knife.
P5: Why the new paragraph?
P7: If you use "foam" in P2, then I'd cut "foam" from this paragraph... although that does ruin some nice (by "nice" I mean vivid) imagery...
P9:
- "...balled hard..."?
- "...filthy paving..."?
- "He didn't feel like..." sounds too soft as far as wording goes. Personally, I *do* feel like the wording in the paragraph from there on needs to be smoothed out a bit.
P10:
- (Did you know, Google couldn't find a definition of "vaunted" or "vaunt"? Just a random note.)(Oh shush, just because *I* couldn't remember the definition...)
- "as long as it wasn't them" should be "wasn't they" if you want to be grammatically correct. But then it sounds weird, so it's up to you.
P11: Only "seeming" disbelief? Why not real disbelief?
P12: DARK MARK ZOMG VOLDEMORT!
P15: The slang could use some work... It just doesn't flow naturally in places and sounds lame in others.
P16:
- Murrfhmah move the "dispassionately" around. It's in an awkward spot at the moment.
- The use of "it" trips me up as I'm reading. I can see what you're trying to convey, but I think you can get the same effect with some derogatory name.
P17:
- Same thing with the "it."
- Hello commas!?!
- ...what exactly does the last sentence mean; how does it tie in to the paragraph?
P18: I have a problem with the word "sensation." I think what you're aiming for is "experience," but HRM I can't think of a better word than that.
P19: I think it'd be cool if you built up some kind of suspense for Valis's arrival; maybe just with a "suddenly" somewhere that sets the pace of the scene.
P21:
- "You guessed wrongly." Here's one of the cases where proper grammar sounds weird and out of place. I suggest rewording it for the sake of flow, just so your reader doesn't do a double take and then figure out, "Oh yeah... that's how you're supposed to say it..." Plus, is Valis the kind of character with the kind of upbringing that would make him talk with immaculate grammar?
- Maybe set apart "and made Gareth feel uneasy" as a separate sentence to add to the mood of the scene and really solidify how Gareth is feeling, especially since this scene is from his perspective.
P22:
- You *might* want to clarify who's taking the forward steps, but this one's no biggie.
- "trying to get closer for a better look at the newcomer" can be condensed to "trying to get a better look at the newcomer."
- "...membership, it wasn't his style..." semicolon?
P23: The first part of Gareth's comeback needs more macho-ness.
P24:
- "dull grey" isn't the most flattering description, and I think this could use something more dazzling, since Gareth is probably going to exaggerate under the circumstances. Classic case of unreliable (read: SCARED SHITLESS) narrator?
- 'Tis bad style to leave dangling prepositions, especially since the writing style you've set is a little more formal than our day-to-day English that lets those kinds of things slide. It should be, "...cloak in which he was swathed."
- Stylistically, I like "the hood" rather than "its hood," but it's really up to you. Ignore me! *twiddles thumbs*
P25: I'm not a big fan of "Most don't bear repeating." Not sure why.
P27:
- WHAT KIND OF KID IS VALIS? No, honestly, WHO SAYS "It's not my preferred COGNOMEN"? First, you use a contraction (it's), generally a mark of informal language. Then you throw us all off with COGNOMEN. No, really. Do YOU talk like this? I've heard someone talk like this once before ("But if we bring snacks, they'll come in droves!") and it was equally unsettling. Please fix this. If you ignore everything else in this ridiculously long review, TAKE OUT COGNOMEN. Please?
- I think if anyone else had said those lines, it wouldn't have sounded very cool, but somehow you manage to make Valis pull it off.
P28: "he asked, feeling both lame and defeated." AHAHA I love it.
P31: I like the hesitance in the description here; just the way it progresses. hehehHEHEHEHE hehe hEHEHhehe.
P33: "...creature of phobia..."?
P34: The opening of this paragraph is weak... I can't quite put my finger on what it is... Overall it's a peculiar paragraph, mostly in that I don't think Gareth is quite in the state of mind to be thinking rationally. Even though you contradict that in the paragraph, it doesn't seem plausible to me that he reasons through that this "creature of phobia" is a kid.
P35: It doesn't quite seem logical that he'd be chuckling (see P34 comments).
P36:
- "...silvery-grey..." throws me off since I generally associate that color with old people. Basically the connotation is too negative for my taste. But then again, you could just ignore my taste since I'm just one person. =)
- Stop pointing your TO BE VERB knife at me. Wait no, really. *dodges stabs in smos's general direction*
P37: Valis's words seem choppy and unnatural...
P38: Maybe dashes would be more effective in conveying his stuttering.
P39: "you people" bothers me. Please rephrase?


SECTION 2
P1:
- "Give us"? As far as I can tell, it's just Valis there.
- "...body--well..." I think you can go with a new sentence here (which involves some rephrasing for the end of the paragraph, but I think you can deal with that =p)
P2-P8: Much better with the dialogue.
P9: "...that he'd lived, or would..." I think what you're trying to say is that it's hard to say whether the kid was still alive, but it's kind of confusing the way it's worded.
P10: "...responsible for a death..." Is the thinking about the death of the urchin or the murder he might commit in taking vengeance?
P11:
- Minimize the "It was" and "There was" by saying something like, "Not a scrap of the boy's clothing had not been soaked in blood." A little messy with the double negatives, but to me that makes it cleaner. *dodges the TO BE VERB knife again*
- I think the list in the last sentence should be separated with semicolons, but it might be fine as is...
P12: I appreciate the mention of the youth of the victim, but it interrupts the flow and weight of that sentence.
P13:
- "...a snap decision..."? I'm not a fan.
- "it made sense..." that? I feel like the sentence is missing something without a "that."
P14: "...back, you got it?" might work better without the "you." It sounds more slang-y.
P16: I feel like you need more intensity as Valis staggers into the hospital. The one sentence account of his journey there isn't concrete enough for the reader to really *feel* how tired Valis is.
P18: What mother? Oh yes, I'm covered in blood, wearing spiked gauntlets, and look exhausted. Heh heh, I'll just be on my way now... Oh right, let me drop off this DYING PERSON. What? No, I didn't see how it happened *twiddles thumbs*
P19: "...liquid with concern..."?
P20: -.- "observed himself panting"?
P22: Maybe instead of the prepositional phrase you have to open, say, "The moment he lost the burden, Valis felt..." It gives a bit more in the sense of timing.
P23: I still think it's weird that Valis's mother is referred to by name here and there. I mean, I understand that Valis knows his mother's name, but it seems weird that it's used when the story is told predominantly from Valis's point of view.
P25: Nice twist.
P27: "How awful" doesn't add much. It seems like an out of place remark.
P28: Realistically, I don't think Valis could have concluded much from her clothing, especially since you described it earlier as rags, then as blood-soaked. Besides, it makes sense that he just... assumed, even if it was based on nothing. It's a reasonable assumption.
P31: Ouch, his sister's age. I like this connection; it makes things very real for not only Valis but the reader as well.
P33: The first sentence here doesn't do much for pacing and transition from the previous paragraph. I guess there's not much else to mention, but the lack of transition makes it choppy and abrupt.
P35: The fact that Argyros is an Anóteros is confusing, even after I went back and reread a little. The main thing is: what does this mean in relation to Valis? What is Valis or what else would Argyros be?
P38: "dry retching" Something's wrong with that grammatically but I can't figure out what.
P39: Add some more detailed description about the weight of the responsibility he feels, rather than just saying, "it was awful. He'd never had such a horrifying sensation in his life." This is terribly abstract. Please make it concrete.
P41: When did he take them off? Was he just carrying them with him? Were they tucked in his shirt? Ah technicalities.

I LOVE THE ENDING.


That was ridiculously long. Terribly sorry BUT I WAS CONSTRUCTIVE, RIGHT? I'll go take a nap now.

IT HAS BEGUN.
UPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEPLZ

See, I warned you! Gotta keep the interest or the interested go away, and I wanna keep the interest. How else am I supposed to show favor if I cannot review in return? I can't draw you OC art without an OC, nor can I draw avi art forever!

I said I'd review anonymously so you could delete this, and anonymously I shall. But please--do not force me to flood thy box of reviewers.

As always you have great imagery, and an amazing way of expressing the surroundings and environment, putting the reader into the story seemlessly with the characters.

I love it. The way you've changed Valis from the original is stunning. I like the usage of Greek terms in your world, but you're going to need to work on it a bit more before your world really comes to life in my eyes and leaves the mold of Generic Fantasy World.

Of course, it's only the first chapter, so you've got all story to make this world real for me.

The characters are a different matter. You only have so long to make them interesting--and you have done that beautifully. As I remarked earlier, your remake of Valis is wonderfully done, and even the secondary characters seem to be more than simply cardboard cutouts to serve a purpose.

I like the intro. It did disgust me a bit, yes, and for a moment I thought it was Valis thinking. But I like this introduction better. You started things where they got interesting.

I'm looking forward to the next installation.

Blood of the King returns!
Seeing as reviewing is much faster and less brain-flexing than writing, and throw in the fact that I do commentaries at least three times a week for school... I shall review chapter 1 right now!

Brilliant as always! Now for the fine-tuning.

P1: I think "Song-Bringer" needs a more poetic title. It's a little flat next to the others...
P2:
- "...Tarthae, its shining walls blinding... It gusted" Here you're using the same pronoun but referring to different things without specifying an antecedent. I get what you mean (from the repetition), but it's a snag that interrupts the flow.
- You don't use the dash very often (if at all). It might work at the end of this paragraph as "could go undiscerned--no truth could escape the king."
P3:
- Same thing with "Its interior..." Before "it" always referred to the breeze, but then in this paragraph you change it. Again, not a big thing, but it could be fixed.
- This paragraph uses "to be" verbs like crazy for description. Remember the difference between PASSIVE and ACTIVE voice. Some can stay (all in moderation), while some like the ceiling could change to "The vaulted ceiling rose in a tremendous arch above the throne dais."
P4: "This was his throne now, surely?" I would move the surely to the beginning of the sentence. I'm not sure why; it just seems to flow better that way...
P5: This whole line seems to lack the punch it needs. The reader needs to feel a BAM when you reveal the bloodstained hands.
P6:
- "His fine, long platinum hair" OMD let me count the adjectives here. 1... 2... 3...!?!!?!? Then a flat noun like "hair"?!?!?!? Please. Refrain. I beg of you. You might have to join Adjectives Anonymous if you aren't careful... In other words, choose one strong adjective and/or find a better noun. OR! Better yet, use some figurative language =]
- I think you can ditch the "was" before "splayed out." I'm drowning in passive voice.
- "were dull and glassy behind their lids" How can he tell? Just being technical...
P7:
- no comma before "and wearily" ('tis a grammar thing)
- "had thought so lightly" ... something's iffy about the idiom here. I think it should be "take lightly" or "think little of"
P11:
- Latharas "had been escorted"? by few -- verb consistency my friend...
- Does the "brightly mailed" really add anything? It's a snag in the rhythm of the sentence.
- Maybe add a transition like, "After all, there was no victory..."
P13:
- It seems like this doesn't need a new paragraph, since Latharas was talking, then Latharas was doing the action in paragraph 13.
- Just out of curiousity, how do you pronounce Falzaer?
- I'm not liking "So" at the beginning of the last sentence. Maybe "Thus"?
P14:
- "to quote some parable" The "some" makes this seem really weak and not very meaningful; it doesn't carry weight.
- "guise; and all" I'm pretty sure that should be a comma, not a semicolon. Much as we love semicolons, we musn't be using them incorrectly now, should we, hrm?
P15: "though Latharas had merely mirrored and not fulfilled it." Eh? I'm not understanding... Or maybe I just got lost...
P16: "that Falzaer could have howled for sorrow." This is a little confusing. The emptiness made him sorrowful therefore he felt like howling...? The way it's phrased, it seems like the word "howled" should be "mistaken" but maybe that's just me being strange.
P17:
- "with the deaths of a score of soldiers" has some weird phrasing. Maybe it should be the death of a score, or maybe you're right and it is the deaths (plural) of these soldiers.
- "Latharas was always" into "Latharas had always been"?
- Maybe for effect say ", but this... _this_ was an atrocity" (italics)
P18:
- "--and had resolved" I think it would work better to have "he" in there.
- "ardently" is an interesting choice of adverbs...
P19: "end of his coil" reminds me of an incense coil. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing...
P21: "smooth stone floor" Adjectives Anonymous? This is Smosthedog... Yes I have a new member for you! His name is Panzuriel... Yes he likes stacking adjectives... Well sometimes they're redundant and sometimes they're fine... Well I guess we could tell him just to choose a specific kind of stone in this case... Sure... I'll call back if the situation becomes more serious...
P22:
- *Smos dances around from usage of french term*
- "perfect and absolute" Care to elaborate a bit? At least the perfect part, since it seems to me it hit a pothole when Latharas killed everyone. Unless perfect and absolute meant that Falzaer won, even if all his soldiers are dead.
P23:
- "his last dying strength" Two problems. 1) Technically this is 3 modifiers. Condense... please? 2) Strength isn't a set value, like a breath. Perhaps you meant, "the last of his dying strength?" (still 2 modifiers, but I can live with that)
- Watch your verb tense in this paragraph. I trust you to find the inconsistencies so I don't have to point them out. (past and past perfect)
- Everything after the semicolon of the last sentence needs a more sudden structure to give the right effect.
P24:
- WHOA WHOA WHOA Falzaer stabbed him? I thought it was just Latharas running out of strength (coil burned out?). Ah well... You might want to make that clear in paragraph 23, or you can stick with how it is now.
- It's kind of weird how this WHOLE part is sort of a flashback. The "had verbed" obstructs the action a little, and it's led to a lot of verb confusion in your writing. So. Choice is yours...
P25:
- Is that semicolon used correctly? I believe a semicolon joins two independent clauses?
- I think the comma doesn't need to be there in the second sentence.
P26:
- "brassbound double-doors" Is brassbound a word? And should brassbound be hyphenated while double-doors becomes two words? I'm not sure on this, but it's a tad wordy.
- Are Elidan's eyes cool (figuratively) or is his overall gaze/expression cool? Or were you referring to the colo(u)r?
P32:
- "dull resounding" I think resounding might be the wrong word here. Maybe add "resounding of metal" or change it to "dull clang" (please excuse the horrendous choice of nouns here)
- "swung" seems to large of a movement for a lazy side to side move. When I hear "swung" I think of bone shattering swings. Then again, it could work; see what other people think.
P34:
- To me it sounds better to switch the order of "losing gradually"
- "tip of the blade about across" Erm... I'd say stick to either about or across, not both.
P35: "faster and more furious" Faster is used as an adverb, while furious is an adjective. Parallel structure? "Faster and more furiously" sort of loses its ring though.
P39:
- "His soft, curled hair and neatly trimmed goatee were raven" Soft? And there's something weak about using "were raven." Some mixture of passive voice and stretching not to use the word "black" I think...
- "unmistakeably human" It's easy to forget that Latharas and Falzaer are elves, so this part came as a bit of a surprise to me. Either that or I read the whole thing too slowly.
P41:
- Irubles. What a strange and yet strangely cool name.
- I agree with Jasper Riddle. What is this "bespake" thing doing in the midst of your otherwise relatively normal (perhaps a bit formal) voice?
P42: "I am sitting." AHAHAHHA I love it.
P43: Whole thing is worded a little awkwardly. It might be simpler to say "He paused, until in exasperation Falzaer asked, 'That being?'"
P44:
- Avoid passive voice by saying "Falzaer supressed a spasm of fear"
- "that man’s" Are male elves called men?
- Darn your traditional English spelling. Still throws me for a loop. (That was Smos being difficult.)
- "he went on after a long, painful moment." It might work better to have this before his spoken line to give the effect of the actual pause.
P47: "I am sure you’re...for myself" might work better as "Surely you're...for me"
P51: How did he disappear? Was it like *blink* OMG HE DISAPPEARED! or was it more like *poof*? or did he physically step out of the room? I need the concrete detail!
P52: Would it carry more weight as "Falzaer stared at the blood..."?

YAY! Finally done. Now back to homework...

As I said before, nice use of Zoom.
I must admit, my curiosity has been aroused. Falzaer is not the main character (the summary states as much)...then this story must center around the princeling. I look forward to seeing if you can keep my interest.
I still don't like 'bespake'. 'Told of', perhaps. But it remains ever your story, and no meddling of mine will change how you please to write it.
Okay, you've got my interest. Irubles the immortal-- an enigmatic stranger. I love the exchange of 'what are you doing here--sitting'.
The thing that bothers me is Falzaer's remorse. Someone who has just killed their brother would likely not apologize--it seems OOC to me, despite the fact that his character has not been clearly established.

Oh, and your asterix for the footnote has been deleted by FP. Just a heads-up.

I'm utterly speechless ... Well, not literally but you get the idea. I totally can't wait to read more!! I love the description, way awesome and so very vivid. Your use of vocabulary was superb ... it exasperates me to no end when people use generic words to describe a scene or event. I'm typically not an avid fan of fantasy, but when I read pieces of writing like this I'm helplessly entranced. I wait with bated breath for your story to once again commence.

Wow! I really like it. The imagery is amazing to say the least. I could almost smell the ocean on the breeze, almost smell the blood that was spilled, almost hear the clanging of swords. Keep up the good writing!