Nice work! The descriptions were pretty good and the relation with Roman deities (was that intentional?) was great as well :).

I agree with a few of Taylor's points, but sometimes you need a little sugar to go with your medicine. I admit, I start off a bit rough with the commentary, but I did enjoy the idea of your story and if you are serious about writing, then you can take a few of my comments into consideration if you plan to edit.

First, if you think something is cliche, don't add it in. Pointing it out (cliche, right?) doesn't make the statement any less so. Best to leave that sort of thing out entirely.

The flow needs a little work. It's a lot of action, but it's hard for someone to picture the action without a few comaprisons. Similes are effective tools for that sort of thing, along with a few metaphors. Don't overuse them, though. Sometimes authors litter their papers with metaphors and similes- half the time you think they are speaking in riddles. Try keeping the similes original (which is a bit hard because we never think outside of what we've read so we re-use phrases because they feel appropriate).

I like the details of her sweat rolling along her temple, but you focus too much on just that. It takes up too much of the story and slows down the pace. What else is going on with her body? What does the audience look like to her as she's spinning around? Does the light ever glare in her eye, maybe?

I like how you pointed out that a person in the back of the room clapped. It's details like that which make this performance unique. But how are the people cheering? Try to describe the way they cheer. Do they whistle? If they do, what does it sound like? Do they clap politely, for the sake of clapping because everyone else is doing the same? Go into detail- it'll give your story better flow.

The young girl and her mother adds something. But she's just described as a young girl. Make her interesting- even if you just glance at a person, you get tons of information. She doesn't have to have a lot of focus; infact, she doesn't even need a whole sentence to herself. Insert her where ever, maybe in a clause somewhere within the story. But even if you have a nearly insignificant character, give them something more than just a general adjective like "young". It keeps your reader interested.

Okay, Taylor has a point with the imagery. She sounds very pretty, which might be true but that isn't the focus of your story. You started out by saying that belly dancing wasn't about beauty. Make sure your story reflects that point, or the introduction becomes contradictory.

Keep working with it, you've got a good story here. It just needs to be flushed out. How does her friend hug her? Is it a tight embrace? Can she smell her friend's perfume or did her friend just come back from working at the fish market? There's so much you can do to build on your idea and give it life. Don't just resort to broad descriptions, as tempting as it is to just write "cheerful" or "deep" when there's always a more interesting way to describe the action or the mood.

Good luck with it!

I like it a lot. You did a good job not making belly dancing sound as like...sexyness based as it's normally seen as. It did sound more like skill and that was good. The imagery was nice, but I do think you could have gone into more detail. I felt like I was looking at the big picture too much and some upclose stuff would have made it a more interesting experience. Other than that...I'm not really sure. It was good. Keep up the good work.

That was pretty good, ollie. I think it'll be a cool story. Just be careful not to let your character get too mary sue-ish, but i really like it. keep it up!

Wow! That was really good there. I only spotted two mistakes though, and one of them I wasn't so sure about. It was really good Rikku-sempai. I could learn, but I think writing is my forte. . . That or martial arts - I want to learn that.

But I wouldn't mind bellydancing at all!

I'm sure you're one of the best bellydancers around, too, Rikku-sempai! Lovely story!

Hm, she seems so arrogant assuming that her body is the only reason guys like her. And her response to her friend is very self-centered. Doesn't really show her in a good light. And, I think you seem to be trying to prove that it's not seductive, but the imagery says otherwise. Besides, this type of dance was created as just that: seductive entertainment for the royals and wealthy men. Just my observations.

As for the writing, it's kind of sloppy. There's just no flow here. Seems very choppy.