Beautifully written. I especially liked Par3, but you already know that. :P

I've said it before, but it bears stating again: spell out numbers in prose. "five past twelve" or "five past midnight", not "12h05" please.

Omniscient 3rd-person viewpoint looks untidy. Try to stick to a single character's perspective. Most of the time it's from Mira's angle, but occasionally you've let Etienne's thoughts slip and it's out of place.

The last line is a good end for the chapter, but the build-up to it felt a little rushed. I think this chapter could have gone on longer.

As for the French at the start ... it was slightly harder to understand than in the previous chapter. I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it, and it wasn't essential to understand it for the rest of the story to come through, but I think some kind of subtle translation would help a lot; or even a full line-by-line translation as addendum to the chapter.

So, all of that said, it was very nearly perfect and I cannot wait for you to continue.

too much in french. it's annoying for someone who doesn't understand it (and even for someone who does. eg. i personally hate macaroni films like auberge espagnol, the hodge podge of language is distracting)

take my advice with a grain of salt because i'm not native french, but
' L’élévateur est à votre gauche.' would be better as 'l'ascenseur est...'

'“Quoi fait-tu?' 'que fais-tu?' or 'tu fais quoi?'

'Vous êtes sûr' vous etes sure (she's a girl)

if she's being ultra-polite and formal, it might be better to put 'ce n'est rien'.

i'm not sure about the whole tout est d'accord exchange either. it sounds like he's asking 'is everything all right?' but in french 'd'accord' expresses more the idea of agreement. so i don't think it's quite natural. if he said 'ca va?' or something it might be a bit better... also the exchange b/w etienne and jean-whoever didn't strike me as natural either (wasn't slangy enough).

I strongly recommend that you DON'T write large stints of your dialogue in french (bonsoir, merci are ok, but not conversation). 1. it's annoying to nonspeakers. 2. you're not bilingual or anything so you can't get it natural or perfect. thus - there's no point. you could do it better in english and just *say* that it's in french. If your heart is set on the idea, however, i suggest you go somewhere like the french-english section of the wordreference forums and run your translations/dialogue by some native speakers to be sure it rings true.

" There are those nearby who can sense a mage by mere feel." the note came across overall as very urbane (well done! i liked it) but 'by mere feel' sounds a little odd. i can't think of how i would rephrase it, on the spot, but it should be changed.


"After all, who else but Favre’s Captain of Intelligence would know where to find the head of the organization that threatened the life of his boss on a daily basis? This would be the fastest way to find “la chef de la Resistance,” as they called him—the head of the Jade League, Etienne Laroche."

i'm afraid this doesn't cut it. if this captain dubois knew where his enemy was, wouldn't he have killed him already? this really isn't plausible.

i like the setting A LOT- some future/alt history crime world. it's interesting. i'm a bit dubious about the 500 euro note (they're extremely rare today, so...)

while this story is certainly quite intriguing, and you've chosen a very interesting place to situate it, there is one large problem. the rest of the stuff i've mentioned is minor compared to this: You start out too slow. What was the point of having her wander down the street to the hotel? it was long. sure we find out a bit about the world, but it's not going to hook the reader and draw them into the story. then we have the scene introducing etienne but nothing really happens there. again, pointlessness. so what happened in the introduction of your story? i can sum it up in one sentence: mira got a note from etienne.

you need to condense the writing and open with something EXCITING, something that will attract the reader and entice them to read more. this is too slow. it cripples what is otherwise appealing (the mafia or some mutation of it is involved. there's bound to be action. the characters are fairly appealing. mira is somewhat sympathetic, etienne is downright cool... btw, have you read any arsene lupin? you should.)

you really need to give it a good edit, and possibly begin your story later, at a more exciting point.

Ooh I like this alot, it's really well written. The french adds a little mystery to it. Write more quickly...please!

I really like this story. It's written with a clear style, and it's lovely to read. Some of the French is a little iffy, but most shouldn't be too hard to work out as an English speaker, or infer from the context. I think it adds just a little extra touch of goodness, myself.

"Mira was a mage" was a big surprise. I was expecting some kind of modern drama, rather than a fantasy piece. It's not a bad thing, just a surprising thing, since there isn't really any way to glean that information before you go and shout it out.

Actually, the improvement in your writing since you last updated is quite remarkable. You'll make a bestseller list someday, if you keep this up. :P