Well it may be odd but i'm reviewing my own story. i haven't looked at it in a LONG time and now i pretty much hate it. if Amei wants to take it off so she has room for more it is fine with me. The plot is tasteless the details bland and the pace too quick. i have another story now and i am in no mood to bring up old writing techniques. Especially bad ones. If you thought this was good you should read some of Amei's stuff or my more recent work that i refuse to post. Anyway, just sauin hey to FictionPress one more time...P.S. It is scary how much Amei has influenced me these past years people...i'm not the Essro i used to be...

Alright, I think this is very good so far. Your action is fast-paced and exciting. I already like Jay as a character and I'm warming up to the other three.

Just a few tiny points. The past tense of to breed is bred - not bread. There were also a few typos which re-reading could benefit. Also, when did the two boys get the odd rope off their wrists?

Swet! This is getting better by the second!

this is the coolest thing! I love the suspence and your style of writing it really keeps you on the endge of your seat. Keep up the good work! I hope to see your work in bookstores!

interestin...waitin for more. Liz

Yes, the transitions definately make it easier to read. The only thing that I'd have to say is the lack of paragraphs is making it somewhat difficult to read.
But other than that, it was a good chapter. I'm interested to read more on the Land of Failorn.
~DragnBreth
ps: i recently uploaded the fifth chapter to my Return of Darkness novel, now renamed A Shadow Out of Time... if yer interested in reading it.

So this was good. i like the name. failorn. It sounds real cool. Well I like jay he sounds kinda cute...hint, hint. typo

Yes, trnsitions are much better. I have a feeling you have favorite characters... Also, I have a feelign you're putting romance in this! Did Shi talk you in to this? Anyway, I wasn't expecting yo uto write something without excrutiating description. Um, not that you want my comments but... since you seem to like Rachel more... Jay is now my favorite character in this story.
Oh, and evil guys without any blood *scoff* Shame on you...

Hello! I like the story. the transition is hard but the story is what counts and that like rocks. At least there isn't as much blood as the Malevolence one.

Interesting. The format kinda makes it hard to read, though.

Anyway, keep up the writing. Lookin' forward to chapter 3.

An interesting way of telling the story. My only two suggestions would be to show the transition between the character narrations in a different way (bolding it and maybe using a colon) and to change the format of the conversations. Begin each person's speech as a separate paragraph. But other than that I'd say this is pretty good.
I don't have much time today, so I'll read chapter 2 tomorrow.

Check the beginning of your paragraphs..it is confusing. Pick one character, dont use "I". Pick a color for Jack's eyes, first they were chocolate, not they are hazel. Dont over describe things that you have already talked about.

Yes! A chapter with action! Um, is dragonboy evilish *hinthint*? Um, your nfta is lacking humor or whatever it is I put in the nfta... also, even though this chapter was good, the only problem I really have is the fact that you made Jay think the word 'stunning' when talking about another male. It seemed kind of wrong since they are both guys the same age... But, ok, ok, you don't care. So the next thing is, wait, that's all I had to say? Ok, talk ta ya lata Essro (O_o so strange calling you that)

The story was intresting right away. Waiting for another chapter.

Seeing as it would be wrong to reveiw on the account (Which I so KINDLY let you post stories on) I'm going to tell you here.

You probably don't want to hear what I have to say, but that's just too bad. The beginning had alot of info on some guy who's not even in the story, and I hate to break it to you, but no one wants detail about births (except maybe our strange friend whom we will not speak of). But, as your first reveiwer, I must say that it was better than I thought and I WILL give you credit, even if it ISN'T evil enough.

Ps: What's up with the names gruff throat & shy voice?