FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Otseis Ragnarok 2006-11-27 ch 1,  | abuseDid these people really expect electricity to work only "a couple of blocks away"? Other than that, this wasn't that bad. I look forward to finding out more about this mysterious blackout. |
| Blackbird552 2006-11-26 ch 1, | abuseThis looks like a good idea that could go somewhere interesting, like a survival story. Your descriptions are good, but try not to pummel the reader with a list of them. When you described Daryn, you got a little TOO much in detail. Try to limit it to important physical characteristics. Then, either drop subtle hints of the clothing, or outwardly explain it when it matters. Also, be sure that the reader knows who the subject of the pronoun in the paragraph is. A couple of times you said 'she' and I couldn't figure out just who 'she' was right away. You should put the person's name in as soon as subject (paragraph) changes. These things don't really detract from the story too much, I'm just trying to help. However, I think this could end up very good if you keep at it. I'll try to keep up with the story. |