Reviews for Faerlyte - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Faerlyte

Kyllorac 2008-06-06 ch 1,	abuseHere's your prize for winning the RM! First things first, I notice that the royal family all have long names with lots of letters. It makes them hard to read, and difficult to imagine how they are pronounced. You also have completely normal names from this world placed right alongside the fantasy names of Faerlyte, so it feels like the world isn't entirely cohesive. Another thing I noticed is that you tend to describe things in detail. Did you really need to describe the Golem in such detail? This gets a bit boring and tedious, and I suggest focusing more on the character's actions and dialogue. Also, rather than concretely defining one side as "good" and the other, "evil", leave some room for doubt. The world is rarely black or white, and such demonization of one side in a conflict reeks of lazy planning. What are their motivations? Why are they viewed as evil? Are they truly evil? And why is the good side "good"? Ask yourself those questions. What I really liked was how you characterized Helena. Even though she dies shortly after being introduced, how her death impacts Latameir and Grace is portrayed very well. So, overall, I enjoyed reading this though you might want to look over the things I pointed out. I do hope you post the next chapter sometime soon.
tomgirl 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseVery interesting. I like where this is going. I hope you keep writing this.
Mahone-chic-89 2008-05-22 ch 2,	abusei like this! you have a nice writing style. very little grammer mistakes. Great work!! :)
Fork 2008-01-28 ch 1,	abuseWow, that is one long chapter. Your writing is pretty good, but I felt like you took a bit too long to get into the story of what's actually going on. You start off the entire story with a flashback, with King Rhenier remembering something that had happened years ago, and him thinking about past events. And I'm completely not seeing the purpose behind the story with the Mountain People, they aren't even being encountered here. You should save that until your readers encounter the Mountain People, in the actual story. In my opinion the beginning would be much better if you started out the story, with the King's first enounter with the Golem, as though it was actually happening at that very moment, and then transitioned from there to years later. I mean, the way it's written now, it doesn't make much sense. There is a battle going on just outside the castle walls, and the king's sitting atop his observatory, reminiscing. That just doesn't make sense. He's in the middle of a war! You need to illustrate the urgency of this war a bit better. As far as the rest of this story goes, I feel like it flowed pretty well. There wasn't anything that really stuck out at me, as a problem. Though, I noticed quite a few typos, just figured I'd point them all out for you: "They were waiting for a signal, he knew, ay which they would besiege Faerlyte." Should be 'at which' "King Rhenier had been present in one of the scouting parties sent to scope pot their new situation." should be 'to scope out' "two of the other Golem knocked arrows in their bows" 'Nocked' is the correct spelling here. "and he saw Latameir’s sword complete his journey through the golem’s throat." this just sounds rather weird, it should be 'sword complete its journey' "The finely woven showed an image of the Trennandaile Coat of Arms." The finely woven 'what'? "Such waiting was making his exceedingly ancy," 'antsy' not 'ancy' should be 'him exceedingly antsy' "Both had rosy cheeks and wore a grim from ear to ear." should 'wore a grin' "having for the moment forgot about the hectic ordeal going on beyond the castle gates." should be 'having, for the moment, forgotten' "He bent down to bet a closer look." should be 'to get a closer look' "The girls escaped from their room while I was putting away the nettles and thread." 'needles' not 'nettles' "I’ll lead these two back to their room so you van have some piece and quiet to go about your business." should be 'so you can have' "I hope to goodness the golem haven’t gotten the upper hand." should be 'gained', I understand 'gotten' is how most people would say it, but that's improper grammar, and he IS a King, in a fantasy. "Will you send word it her condition if it changes in any way?" should be 'send word if' "what of my report was supposed to receive?" I'm not entirely sure what you meant here, I believe you're just missing an 'I' in between 'report was' "Rhenier gave then a curious look." should be 'gave them' "This was found an arrow shaft among the dead." missing an 'on' in between 'found an' "reading from a very thick Healer’s medicine book to see of she had missed anything that might be helpful to Helena." should be 'to see if she' "Helena gave an involuntary groan as she practically forced her limbs to move o that she could find a more comfortable spot to lay." should be 'move so that she' "She also knew that she couldn’t live in suck a way," should be 'live in such a way," "ones’ whose lives could be saved." no need for the apastrophe, (whose indicates the possesive) "Healer Brander stood stock still, the words gradually sinking in." This just threw me completely, I have no idea what you mean by, 'stood stock still'. "He hadn’t even begun to fathom hoe different their lives were going to be without Helena." should be 'fathom how different' "Are we goin’ to be able to tawk to her more than last time?" talk is spelled with an 'L' not a 'W', even if she is a little girl with a speech impediment. "They turned left and arrived Helena’s room." should be 'arrived at Helena's room' "Where you goin’" should be, 'Where are you goin'' "and latched it around his neck" this would be 'her neck' he's not putting it on his own neck. "You can open your eyes now," You're missing the " at the beginning of this dialogue. "struggling not to completely loose his composure." 'lose' not 'loose' "I love you so mush and I always will." 'much' not 'mush' "I was then that Latameir knew" should be 'It was then' And here are a few things that stuck out to me as just strange. "he said, his face the picture of sternness." This is just an odd description, I think. "all of whom had fallen to the swords, arrows, and fire of the golem." This is completely unnecessary, obviously they all fell to the Golem, if nothing else, at least drop out the, 'the swords, arrows, and fire of' "unheeding of his blood-soaked shirt and the intense pain of the burn on his forearm." once again just weird sounding, 'unheeding of his blood-soaked shirt' just doesn't sound right, 'taking no heed of his' would be better. "the ring of steel and the cries of golem and men reined the forest" I believe you mispelled this, 'reined' should be 'rained', but truly it should be, 'rang through the forest' "The effects were inexpressible paint to every joint" first off, 'paint' should be 'pain', but more importantly, this sentence doesn't really make sense. You tell us the effects are inexpressible, and then continue to explain them to us, it should be something more like, 'The effects were terrible, pain to every joint...' "He handed it to him and Rhenier read the short note, scribbled in spidery handwriting" just a slight confusion here, 'He handed it to him' I suggest switching it so that it says, 'He handed it to Rhenier and the king carefully read the short note...' "Once the door was closed, Rhenier’s thought, deeply concerned with the note." I'm not sure what your trying to say here, but it isn't clear, and needs fixing. Maybe just changing it to, 'Rhenier fell into his thoughts,' "Weally/sowwy/‘wong/bedder/wiv'/ya’/‘weave/wan’(to leave)/'wight" Okay, I understand she's a little girl, and can't speak perfectly. But, this is just not right. Little kids say specific letters/sounds incorrectly, here you have her say 'weave' and then moments later say 'leave'. Sometimes she pronounces 'R's as 'W's and sometimes she doesn't, sometimes she pronounces 'L's as 'W's and sometimes she doesn't, sometimes she pronounces 'You' as 'Ya' and sometimes she doesn't. You need to go through all of Grace's speech and either correct all of her strange speaking habits, or make them all the same. Well, that was all I noticed. As far as plot goes. It's pretty interesting, so far, I'm looking forward to watching where it goes. I do find King Rhenier kind of a strange king. He sits high up in his observatory, far from battle, hiding away from danger all the time. Just doesn't seem like the kind of guy I'd want to follow. Your characters also don't have a lot of their own character to them. But, all around, good plot, good telling, good story.
Equilibrium 2008-01-28 ch 2,	abuseThe characterisation is very good, as always. I particularly like how you portray the relationship between Varahnielle and Grace. Amrian's dilemna with regards to his father not letting him go out on a mission is also very well shown. The writing here is much smoother than the previous chapter's, too. I like the note the chapter ended on... it really makes me look forward to more, especially with regards to the suitor! Hope to read more of this soon! (I'm also adding you to my alert list.)
The Five 2008-01-28 ch 1,	abuseThe plot is great, so far. The story flows really well, but there is some choppiness at points... particularly between the scene where Rhenier puts on his armour and the scene where he rides to battle. It sounds a bit odd if you don't describe what occurs between those two points, like the story is suddenly cut off. An alternative would be to have a page-break, I suppose. Your descriptions are fantastic... in particular, I like how you paint the picture of the before-battle scene from Rhenier's point of view. But a suggestion would be to use a bit more intimacy in the description of the gory trail of battle. Make it personal. Show how the individual soldiers are suffering and dying. Make us cringe. That's about it. I liked it a lot, and will probably be back for more. Update soon.
Dexterity 2007-12-17 ch 2,	abuseWow! That was a nice start! Your spelling and grammar is quite good and your writing is fluid and easy to follow. I like the plotline so far. It seems like it'll be a very interesting story. As for constructive criticism, I think you may want to break apart your chapters. Personally, long chapters make me want to...breathe. I like everything in bite-size chunks. It lets you think between each update. Another thing that I noticed was your long descriptions. While I do like descriptions to spice up the story, a bit more dialogue would let us understand the characters better. That is pretty much all I have to say for now! I'll look forward to reading future chapters. Check out my story if you have time and tell me what you think. It's only if you have time though, no pressure there! Thanks for the nice story. Update soon!
C.F. Anne 2007-12-02 ch 2,	abusesorry it took me so long to read this! Anyway, I think grace and varahnielle are cute! It has such a different atmosphere from the first, and though not as action-packed, this was still a very good chapter. Can't wait to read more!
No Idea Why I Smile 2007-02-05 ch 1,	abuseokay...i have started it...:D and i did not do so because you made me feel guilty...that may be part of it, but not all...okay? i am truly sorry because this is fabulous...brilliant...so good im going to print the rest out so i can read it at school...okay? i dont see why you published it on here though...i mean, its good enough to be published published...i think, if youre done with it, you should try sending it off to publishing companies...its really well written...so far... honestly and truly...its good...and it should be a book...i can see it now...:D you should so do it, if you are finished with it, of course, because you have to have the entire manuscript, naturally...:D but seriously...do it...i challenge you to...i would so buy it...i can say 'i knew her when' :D okays...going to go now...love you loads...update soon...:D Gin
lux in tenebris 2007-02-01 ch 1,	abuseWow, this chapter was LONG. But that what I like, you know. Again, I'm going to have to smother you in compliments about your wonderful descriptive paragraphs. Unfortunate, eh?
All Alone With Her Thoughts 2007-01-09 ch 1,	abusePersonallity, that was too long for me. It sort of dragged on. Besides that it was pretty good. Rowan. (hayleysfriend from neopets)
C.F. Anne 2006-11-24 ch 1,	abuseWOW, long chapter...but good. It's so sad about Grace's mother tear but still very well written. Keep writing!

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