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| Twilight Starr 2007-11-02 ch 1,  | abuseLovely poem. I like swans. ~Twilight Starr~ |
| commit-this-to-memory 2006-12-01 ch 1, | abuseagain, rapidly growing bewildered at the consistency amazing I'm even running out of varying ways to say that. and I was lacking in that department before too |
| Emmouse 2006-11-25 ch 1, | abusepeculiar but brilliant |
| hey maria 2006-11-25 ch 1, | abuse"it's nothing, it's no one,/you've done nothing wrong" The rhythm and alliteration of that was so perfect. I love the rhyming in this; it doesn't follow a meter or anything but still sounds flawless (at least to my ears) and almost bouncy, which is a nice contrast to the gloomy nature of this poem. And the image of her tears falling into blue aqueous worlds is so delicate and pretty. There's one thing that I'm not sure was intentional -- you describe her tears as pearls and in the next line you say "as the diamonds fall." Yeah, contradictory. "below the surface of the sea,/i'm almost sure that there will be/another creature as horrible as me." I'm sort of torn about this. The stilted rhyme seems a little child-like, which could be part of the swan's character, but it also sounds awkward. "and i cry to the heavens,/or scream to the sky./should i remain alone,/i hope to die." I love these last lines. The "or scream to the sky" line sort of makes me wonder if the swan believes there's no one up there, and the "should i remain alone,/i hope to die" part is reminiscent of the "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. There's an interesting religious tone to it. This whole poem seems like it was lifted out of a fairy tale -- the quaint rhymes, the talking animals, the beautiful images. It's very nice; great job. |