   Honey Beddell 2007-03-09 . chapter 6Yay for the return of KS!! :)
For the most part, this was very smooth. You've kept up the lyrical writing style and I enjoyed it. And interested in more...
... more about who Kaylie is. Based on some stuff we've talked about, I who know the person who "left like the wind but didn't return" is. And can't wait for the return of said person. But I wonder if she was one of the other foster children, or just a kid in town ... curiousity consumes me. :)
... more about how this whole name mix-up will relate to the murder and the entire scandal that is brewing. Because I'm sure it has to relate somehow ... you know? It's kind of weird/random. In a good way ... nice and mysterious.
... more about what J.P. will do. How he will seek to connect to his past. How Elliot will help him. If Elliot will even be willing. I'm excited to go back to Elliot's perspective too.
There were some places that I felt were a little rough, the flow of language wasn't as smooth as most of the chapter. Mostly felt this in the first part, the scene with JP and his dad. Not too much. There was one part ... JP watching the girls walk down the ramp, etc. And like you described it in so much detail that I wondered ... what's the point? ... did that lil' scence somehow connect to how JP was feeling, what he wished he were doing, what he was thinking ... remind him of something? It just seemed sort of thrown in there.
Also, you mention a friend of Kaylie's ... the one who helped her fix-up the car. All other characters in this chapter, Joshua and Sam, were mentioned in the previous scene with Kaylie. But I'm not too sure about Robin. Don't remember her. Who is she? She's just sort of thrown in there ... but maybe my memory just fails me.
You have some wrong words ... like "stare case" instead of "staircase." There were a couple more, but I don't remember them. And I only noted one missing word ... somewhere in the beginning I think ... but yeah ...
Good work. Can't wait to read more. :)
Oh, and the explanation was very believable. |
 Laeden 2007-02-12 . chapter 5You asked for a review so... Here it is. I hope you're ready.
Your story was actually a nice break from other peoples' works I've been reading latley. Outside of a few mistakes in the introduction, it was fairly well-writen outside of a few mistakes, grammatically and mechanically, some flow obstruction and some awkward sentences.
Firstly, you have a nice plot going, but you need to be more critical of yourself. I think one of your problems may be that you're trying to make your story long, so you're adding in parts that don't really make sense. There are some parts you can add to make your story seem life-like and realistic. Not everything has to be a part of the plot. However, everything does have to be entertaining. The whole restaurant VIP section where he passes-out really confused me in the respect of its pertinence. Also, in order to be a cook like that, you have to have some kind of schooling. This is a big mechanical problem. You can work around it easily, by saying that he got educated in someone kind of labor school in jail or whatever. You'd have to do research on that though, just like almost everything.
You started out (in your introduction) with great characterization. You need to work on your detail though. Describe more of the smells and the sounds, you're focusing just on the sight. Include all of the senses so the reader can really relate to the book. Trying to have the book relate to everyone by being vague doesn't work. Even if someone hasn't seen their best friend get lynched, if you describe it using all the senses and all the feelings, they'll feel empathy.
Also, back to the characterization. You started out good, but once Elliot was grown up he kind of lost his character. He turned into someone who doesn't talk a lot. Which is fine and all, but if he saw his best friend die, he's not going to pass out after people compliment his food. He's going to be stronger than that.
With your introduction, I think you have the characters confused a little personality-wise. You have Elliot being the protector and Jason taking all the beatings. Jason should be the protector, and takes the blame for Elliot and so Mrs. Josiah likes him more. Jason should be the protector, and Elliot should be worried that he's going to get beaten, because he always takes Elliot's beatings. Does that make sense to you?
How it is, their personalities are kind of contradicting themselves. It seems like you have two passive characters, but one passive character is the protector.
Plus, Elliot would feel even more guilty after Jason dies if he "protected" him.
You need to work on characterizing the sexuality of both men and women.
I'm not going to go into detail about my experiances, but I've never known any girl--personally or vicariously, that liked the combination of "rough, fast and a lot." Sure there are girls that like one or two of these things, but a girl who liked the combination of all three doesn't really work I don't think.
Also, saying "a lot" doesn't really work. "often" works better. You have to be really critical of your word choices. You have some errors. One being "He closed his eyes tight." "Tight" is an adverb, therefore it should be "tightly." You also have some other mistakes like you have "blames" when it should be "blamed" and other minor related mistakes.
Your word choice needs some help, but mostly your sentence structure. Mostly this can be solved with lots of reading (something on a high reading level. I suggest Dean Koontz, John Steinbeck, or books like "Of Mice and Men" "The Catcher in the Rye" "The Taken" "Velocity" "Alas, Babylon" "Night Chills."
Those books will show you a great spectrum of different situations that will teach you and help you. I'd avoid Harry Potter.
Your word choices need help. Sometimes it's to the point where the meaning is constrewed:
"Xavier looped his arm around Elliot's shoulders briefly because Elliot shrugged away and glared at him"
You're saying here, that Elliot glared at Xavier, and because of that he put his arm around him.
I think you wanted to say: Xavier put his arm around Elliot; Elliot glared at him; Xavier removed his arm.
You have to be careful and proof-read A LOT. I will probably put an easy fifty hours into fifteen pages and I'll still miss something. (Sometimes it's because I've been in Germany for so long I sometimes forget how to spell something).
Word choice:
"Cheryl jumped at his vicious tone and grasped the back of the sofa as tightly as she could."
"As tightly as she could" is not a good line. You could end that sentence at the end of sofa. Adding the last part is repetitive. If she is grabbing the sofa with all her strength then she's probably doing it without noticing it. You don't need to add it in, although you're writing with an omniscent third-person POV.
"He did jerk back then, but only his head."
This is always way way too wordy. "He jerked his head back." would suffice. If you say that then people won't ask themselves "but did he jerk his body back?" You already clearified it. As it is now, it's boring to be honest.
Characterization problems:
"'Boy, you had better watch that tone,' Dennis growled from a few feet away. 'I may not be your Daddy, but I will not let you talk to a good woman like that.'"
No one woudl say to this to a thirty-year-old man, especially if he was talking to his mother. If he was threatening her, that's different. But a family fued usually doesn't invlove people outside the family. And being thirty, he'd probably become even more angry that someone is treating him submissively. Also, grown men do not roll their eyes. Teenage boys do not roll their eyes. However, you have JP and Elliot roll their eyes.
You write:
"Jackson was too good to push her away or shrug her off"
A few lines later you write:
"J.P. shrugged her hand off his arm and then jerked open the front door."
That speaks for itself I believe.
"Anger was a funny beast. It had pulsed through J.P.’s body with his heart beat, making his fingers and toes itch and tingle. He was infuriated, and he couldn’t remember a time when he had felt that way in the past. That anger both scared and rejuvenated him. Yelling at his mother hadn’t made him feel good at all; it actually made him fell **. He hadn’t intended to yell at his mother, but then d he hadn’t been able to control it either."
I don't like this part at all. You can essentually say the same thing, but say it differently. Anger is not a "funny beast." Anger is actually very straight forward. It doesn't make fingers and toes itch or tingle. It makes your face turn hread and your heat beat, and your muscles flex and your fists tighten and your teeth clench or anything else associated with aggression. But it doesn't make you tingle. Tingling is associated with love, because it's gentle--not anger.
Also, it isn't wise to use profanity as adjectives. In fact, I never use profanity outside of dialog or character thought. "**" is extremely vague. It doesn't describe one specific feeling, but rather it's extremely general. Vexed, disturbed, perturbed, upset, angry, irritated, aggitated, confused, dizzy, nautious *sp*. "**" covers too broad of a spectrum. Use more specifc words.
You have a lot of mis-used semi-colons. You have it right a few times, but mostly you don't. Semi colons are separating two sentences with the same idea without a conjuction.
The bare trees cast shadows across the cement; a chill moved down my spine.
I can't come up with a better sentence off the top of my head. But you have a lot of fragments or just statements separated by a semi-colon. In fact, semi-colon misuse is one of the main gramatical errors I see. And suprisingly, a lot of people don't start new paragraphs with new dialog and complain when I point it out. I had to deal with someone recently who said "let my LA teacher get the mistakes." Mature. Pointless for posting a story on a site like that if you're going to be like that, but whatever.
Anyway...
Work on the semi-colon.
"The man seated to her left stood and set his napkin on the table; he put his arm around the Senator and smiled down at her."
This would be technically correct. But I probably would just use two sentences.
Random:
You have the word "Get" a few times. You do NOT want to use this word outside of dialog. It's one of the most vague words in the English language. He got the flu. He got the paper. He got his book taken a way. etc.
I only use it in dialog, because of course it's said. But in my actual writing you probably won't find it.
Passive sentences are also not very good.
"He was taken by the stranger." This isn't in your story, but it's an example of a passive sentence. A passive sentence is when the object of the sentence actually the subject. Try changing it.
"The stranger took him." "Took" isn't very good, but this is just an example.
"The stranger snatched him." etc.
You need more detail of the surroundings. YOu kind of jump around to places but don't describe what the buildings look like or smell like or hear like. Include this in your detail.
Use a variaty of verbs to avoid repition. Be abstract but avoid cliches.
Crushed black berries don't juice, they just crush, and they definately don't look like blood.
"toed out" is actually original. (When you said he "toed out his cigerette.") I didn't like it at first, but it's original and it works and I like it. Good line.
You say the boy is hanging from a tree 12 feet from the ground, but his cape falls and lingers by his feet until it blows away.
Twelve feet is really high up. Be careful. Two feet would suffice. One foot would suffice. It would be even more creepy if you added in the smell of iron for his blood and the creaking of the tree branch, or maybe his foot is just barely scuffing the ground.
That goes back to adding in the five senses to create more suspense and reality.
Anyway, I hope this review helps you. You said you wanted an update to my story; well, I updated it. |
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