Warning for people who read reviews before stories: this is spoiler-ridden.

Great job. I like your descriptions a lot, especially with the blood, as macabre as that sounds. My only suggestion is to flesh this out. I'd like to know a lot more about this. Why did she take him to witness her suicide - at a public place? Why is she commiting it at all? This needs a lot more detail, pages and pages more. If you don't feel like it, that's fine, but it's a bit awkward as such a small piece of work.

Keep it up, Will.

Sakka-Fenikkusu

This captivated me from the very start of it. It effected me tremendouly--you don't even know. In a small way I could actually relate to it.

Great use of fragments--they really add to the theme. I loved how you'd be all eloquent and then add a sudden frament to bring my mind back to the character. Very effective.

When reading the story, it feels as if you are really traveling into the mind of the speaker. And with some first-person narratives, this isn't the case because the author won't characterize enough. With those kinds of stories, it seems to be just a regular story with no real point to be in first-person at all.

This work had a purpose and I suspect that the underlying message it conveyed was intentional. For, it was very powerful. Not just as a story but as a life statement.

In other words, it was brilliant.

(I'll be damned if I can think of any critiques. Man, my reviews about your works make me seem like a brown-noser.)

Times like this make me wish I had a larger vocabulary. "Really, really good" just doesn't seem to do the job. I loved your opening. In fact, I liked the entire story, but we'll get into that later. The first lines really stick out both because of their oddity and seemingly unintentional vagueness. It feels as though we suddenly fell into someone's mind and are hearing em tell a story ey know all too well.

The entire story sounds like this, a mood I very much like. It never feels as though you are purposefully withholding information to build suspense or interest (but it does anyway). It is simply a character thinking to himself what he would say to her. Since he knows the entire story already, he doesn't have to tell himself what happened. I guess what I mean to say is that this sounds very realistic and sincere, like a thought we weren't meant to see.

One nitpick I had though was the use of similes (and/or metaphors?). They were good, but after a few, they began to stick out and draw away my attention. They made me remember that this is actually a story, and I am not sitting in this person's mind. Cutting out a couple, IMO, would increase the realism.

Overall, I really loved it. Want to punch the girl (she struck me as very immature and egotistical), but I loved it.

I think this is more drama than horror but still... wow.

...
I am at a loss for words.
That, that was unbelievable. Amazing technique with the point of view from the boy. And you never revieled anything too soon. had me hooked from your summary. Or as it turns out your opening line. I have to say one of the best pieces I've ever read, professional or not. I hope this wasn't anything traumatic in your life or anything. I f it was i'm sorry.

Amazing the feeling it convies, just amazing.

I'm sorry to say I can't find anything I don't like to try and point out for you to improve. Of course that is probably good right.

Oh my, nicely done. I wonder if I'd do that in that situation.

Nice little story. I like it alot. The story line.

I thought you did a decent job with some of your descriptions. I think you should have gone a little deeper... used a little bit more imagery... some more imaginative language.

I did find the metaphor of the quote beautiful. The way you described being shot as fire ants over your chest was very good as well.

I think you have a great base for a story here... I liked it.

Write on.