Ach! Why did you never finish this? to leave such an intriguing story on a cliffhanger! Bloody typical. Find an author who rights a damn good story, get sucked in, and then BAM! story left hanging.
Well if you ever feel like finishing it, let me know... I'll be hanging in the wings, watching wide-eyed...
Erisah

hey why did you stop the story? you were doing so well so far.

i love this story so far.

this is honestly really well-written. you see very little writing of this caliber on fictionpress.

I like this story. It is written really well. I would like to read more of it.

Nice opening paragraph with a few descriptive details and introduction of characters. In that paragraph you've already informed your readers what's going on. That's fine, I would say. But if I were you, I'd probably have described the place a little more. I don't know, I guess that's the just my way.

Quote: The number of men at ready was incredible.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

Quote: which they sported wide-shouldered vests that made them look even more dignified.

I like your use of the word 'sported' here. Very nice, unlike commonly used words 'worn'. Good one.

Alright, I like your fourth paragraph, which is almost entirely descriptive. However, I have some things to point out.

Quote: Women in colorful kimonos strolled through lush parks with stone sculptures and waterfalls, small children running around.

This is one very odd sentence, which I'm sure could have been avoided with meticulous proofreading. Delete the part on the small children and you'll get a complete, more logical sentence.

Quote: Ayame tore her eyes away and followed the graceful structure of the buildings and houses.

It could be just me, but I think that the word 'away' is rather out of place here. I would prefer it if you had written something like "tore her eyes away from..." It sounds more sensible to me that way. :/

Quote: Every now and then she would see a seated stoically on his porch, simply looking and contemplating the passers-by.

You're missing a word here, aren't you? And I do question your word choice. I'm afraid I don't get what you mean by 'contemplating the passers-by'. It sounds odd to me. You mean thinking about the passers-by?

Quote: She wondered whether it was just a front, this serenity.

Alright, this is just beautiful. I love the structure. xD

Quote: “You wish to disgrace your family.” He accused, seated before her on a low plinth.

I'm not sure if this is acceptable, but I've been taught to punctuate dialogues and it is supposedly the right way, I believe. This is how I would have written it.

“You wish to disgrace your family,” he accused, seated before her on a low plinth.

Because the spoken portion is accompanied by an utterance behind, the sentence is rendered incomplete so there should be a comma and not a full-stop at the end of the spoken portion itself. Also for the same reason, the word 'he' should not be capitalised. Unless there is no ensuing utterance, you put a full-stop, in which case it is simply:

“You wish to disgrace your family.”

I hope you get what I mean. :P

Quote: No samurai worth his pride would beg.

Ayame is also a samurai? =O

Quote: The last thought on her mind at the moment were her basic human needs.

Subject-verb agreement.

Other than the problem with punctuation, I'd say your dialogues are fine.

Okay, the only criticism I have for this second chapter is that, like the first, it's still a trifle too short. There is a lot more description, yes, that's good, but there are very few details on Ayame's thoughts. You need to insert a few sentences about Ayame's innermost thoughts or feelings here and there. There needs to be more details on your protagonist's introspection. If you'd done so, you will have portrayed your character better. But nevertheless this chapter is still rather well-written. The ending, especially, was great. It makes me want to find out what's going to happen to Ayame. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

This seems to be leading up to a good plot. I like it! A shame it isn't romance though. :p It seems to be ripe with potential for it, but...ah well. The well thought out research seems to well make up for it! ^-^ I also like the fact that you provided a little background info on the era, especially info pertaining to the actual fic. It's very...eh, professional? XD Anyway, I'm keeping tabs on this fic!

This story seems interesting so far, and I hope to read more. Lovely detail I might add as well.

This is utterly unrealistic. It would have been unthinkable for a woman, and especially a woman belonging to the royal family, to behave the way Ayame does in this period of Japanese history.

I know absolutely nothing about this time period in Japan and it is kind of refreshing to find a different setting on here. I like what you've written so far, your writing style is easy to read but doesn't lose any of the important details. Keep up the good work.

The content is rather unusual and interesting and the story summary caught my attention. There are not many historical fiction authors on this site, are there?

Anyway, this piece is rather simply written, yet there were a few beautiful and very original descriptions here and there.

Quote: Ayame slowed her horse’s gait until the thud of hooves against the packed earth road was a mere whisper.

Like this one, though I'm not sure about the use of the word 'gait' here. Is it necessary?

Quote: sekisha-fuda

Okay I'm quite foreign to the Japanese language so you'll have to explain to me what that means.

Quote: instructed Ayame to remove her coat and kimono, as well the straw sandals

Was she stripped naked? :O

Quote: Through the haze of her own pondering,

Another beautiful, original description. Good one.

Quote: dark against dark

I'm not sure about this one, but you might want to change it to something else.

Quote: bushi

Once again another foreign Japanese term, the meaning of which I cannot be certain.

As I said before the story sounds like an interesting one. I am thinking that, in the later chapters, there will be sword fights? Well I hope so. This piece looks like a promising first chapter. You should continue writing.

Howevere there are some things which you can improve upon. You could have focussed slightly more on characterisation, especially of your main character, Ayame, and description. You could even have started the story commenting on what it was like in Japan at the time the story took place. And all your dialogues, because there were not many, should have an accompanying utterance and not just the spoken portion alone like what you have done in:

“I’m on my way to Edo.” Ayame explained. “I wish to have an audience with the shogunate.”

“I am aware of the risks. But I insist. I must arrive at Edo before the gates close.” The urgency in her voice was not lost on the guard, yet he was hesitant to let her go.

The first one is quite plain but the second one is fine.

Lastly, although a well-written, interesting piece, it is rather short, especially if it is meant to be an opening chapter of a story. All in all, however, I enjoyed reading it.