I loved the story, it was very well written, with all the twists and turns in the plot. But there were a few problems with punctuation...you especially seem to have a tendency to put commas where they aren't needed, for example: "It landed in, a shocked, Lola's hands." Both commas are unnecessary here.

And as for "her friends and, now, family", the first comma is unnecessary.

Keep writing! :)

Hi,

"Stolen" from the bathroom...I think "grabbed" would be a better word here, since it is his own house, isn't it? :)

Very interesting so far.

I tend to review longer stories around chapter 13, so...
nice story! I really like it when the empire crumbles around the emperor...if that makes sense. I'm talking about Brad.

Good to see the lawyer is smart enough to see that something's going on...

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I liked this story. Thanks for writing it.

I absolutely loved your story. It was really unique and I personally love happy endings.

OMG! That was so adorably cute! I gotta go read the sequel now bye!

I like how you repeated the flashback in Bruce's dream. I do wonder what happened with that gunshot in chapter 14... and who Chiquita is, though I have a guess. :P

Aw, Jaden is so cute He really talks like a three-year-old. And I like Bruce, and his sense of humour even in dangerous situations. Selena must have had a very hard life though, to lose trust in everyone...

Wow... when that steely voice turned up in the cabin my heart actually skipped a beat, I was so into the story :P Interesting how Brad became like he is. It's good to have the back story

Ooh, I like this story so far! It's very interesting, I keep having to click the "next" button and ignoring my German homework :P Poor Lola though... at least she's escaped now and is finally reunited with Jaden! Though I guess Brad won't just let that happen without doing something... ouch... . Must read more!

Great beginning! I like how you bring in the past happenings through the story Lola is typing, instead of a flashback. So far the story is already really interesting! I'll have to read more soon I'm already wondering about Brad and why he had the parents killed, and also what happened to Jaden.

nice begining