Okay, I like your idea...but your story is very awkward. Why in the world would her mom ask if Odette had been with her that mornig without a cut on her wrist and her mom didn't know he was a vampire??

'...he would lose this verbal spar.' Sparing is the noun for repartee and banter. A spar is part of a ship.


“Sure.” She yelled back. “Do I get paid?” Her asked suavely

Don't capitalize the first word (unless it's a proper noun) and do use a comma, exclamation point or question mark immediately before the final quotation mark. Correctly the examples are like this: "Sure," she yelled back. "Do I get paid?" he asked.

'These men had a heavy accent, something Old World, and guttural.' How does she know the MEN have accents when at this point only one of them has spoken?

I like it. It's exciting! MORE MORE MORE! *frothes at the mouth*

Interesting plot. However, you tell a bit more than you show... *shrug* And a little more description (not purple description, just... what are tones of voices, gestures, as the characters speak? Stuff like that) would not go amiss.

Otherwise, nice.

:) CD

Very interesting start. very realistic. Keep up the good work.
~Suna