i think this sends a very powerful message. yet when you write in this style, it seems like you over-analyze your words.

still, very well done.

You have a good style, but the rhyming seems rather forced; you might want to try free form. The poem itself was very good until you went into the Jesus being the way bit, it disrupted the flow of the poem. But the first bit fit together very well.

Please don't take offense at what I said about the second half, I'm just trying to give some concrit.

Walking Sorrow

The first half of this poem was a treat to read. The second half (or 'the part when it became a poem about Christ') was cliché, as you say, and a little preachie. The quality of writing didn't change, but I found myself losing interest. Something about the endless praise of Jesus spooks me out; the support never seems real, more like obsession. Anyway, I suppose the poem was good and I may have enjoyed it if I were religious.

Peace, Daze

Good poem. I think the word savior should have a capital S, instead of a small s. That's if you still follow the old school of thought.

SirScott

Wowzers, EXCELLENT poem. The flow of it is nice, AND it tells the truth. It's definitely going in my faves. Bravos to you!

A-men

I was very good until you got into the whole "Jesus is the way to go" part. Besides the fact that for those who do not believe in him, it disrupts the poem and the feeling in it, you're right, it is rather cliche. But, I suppose, it is good to write about your religon...

Rowan.

I loved it! You made it flow just right and you've used your imagination like I rarely see others do. Good Job!

Yeah, point most people don't seem to get across is the bad that has happened, though its not sinful? But good for "The Message".

"And I do sound terribly cliché..." at least you're honest.

Let's just touch on the rhyming: it's forced, there's no flow. It doesn't work.

It is quite difficult to focus on anything else in the poem because the rhyming is so grating, though there are some pretty phrases. When it comes to poetry, if you have to force a form to get it to work just don't do it. Try free form - your words aren't really that bad and I think that you could pull it off.