Oh okay I see, that took me through a loop.

Obviously there are a lot of contrasts in this story, what with Melinda's freedoms regarding her career choices and being actually overhwelmed by her opportunities while having what I can only assume is an out of touch family, whereas with Pheobe it's quiet the opposite as she resides in an anti-feminist world.

I'm quite intrigued...

Very intuitive intro. I'm not one to be conservative with my prologues (I suck at making things brief and concise x__x) but I like how you set this up.

We see the mechanism of the journal, in a way the reader is the journal itself, we are the confidant.

In four short paragraphs we learn the initial goal, motivation, and flaw of the protagonist.

And the format is used really well (in a way it reminds me of Go Ask Alice except not as teensploitation).

In any case, normally I don't like to use compact prologues myself, but you've used it to a great advantage, good job. I will continue on reading.

o kl love it x

Lovely job. You've got a serious talent!

Keep it up. I'm loving it :)

~Carm~

Melinda coming to Phoebe's world is going to be quite interesting. You'll have to update soon and let us know how it goes. :) Otherwise everything looks good. There was one capitalization of 'Males' a few chapters back that I was sure if it was intentional or not; it kind of stuck out, but that's it.

an extremly interesting story which i must admit is good. i like the idea of being close friends only through a journal, and merpeople are obviously going to be very intrigueings. please update as quickly as posible. x

Even though it's been awhile since I've been on Fictionpress, I've definitely not forgotten this story. I'm loving it! It's this kind of story that keeps me coming back for more. So, I hope to see more from you soon :)

~Carm~

Aww...I like Tobias...I've always liked the name, but the person seems very nice and likable too!

Wow. This is a wonderful story. I love the way you narrate it...it's a unique perspective. Quite refreshing. Good job on this!

~carm~

Sorry for the prolonged delay between reviews, but this semester has been crazy recently. Anyway, I liked the chapter; the chapters are a little short in general though. It might help if you fleshed them out a little more to give the reader a little better feel for the two main characters. I like the story between Tobias and Phoebe, and it would have been nice to get a little more of it and maybe see her go back and write about it in her journal again. Just a suggestion. I look foward to seeing how all this gets resolved.

Like the premise of the story – it sounds interesting. Hope you don’t mind constructive criticism because that’s what I dish out. On I go…

~ 'I went to the used bookstore across town to see if I could find a journal that hadn’t been used' - She went to a used bookstore to find an unused book? Why?

~ 'I’ve never started a journal without describing myself first.' - The integration of her appearance seems kind of forced. Is there any way you could make it more natural?

~ 'Don’t get me wrong; I love my family, but I also think that they’re all INSANE.' - You've just gone to great lengths to show how evil her family are, so much so that she's made a surrogate family and now she suddenly doesn't seem that bothered by them. Also doesn’t fit in with the next sentence.

I enjoyed this, Melinda’s narrative voice came through strongly and it’ll be interesting to see how it compares to Phoebe’s entries. The spelling, punctuation and grammar are fine but you might want to work on keeping the narrative fluent. Feel free to get in touch about any questions you might have.

~Marie Silver~

Okay, I had a review typed up and then it wouldn't let me submit it becaues of a review throttle. I have no idea what that is, but oh well. So if this is a double, please just disregard it. :) Anyway, I really like Melinda and Kelli's solution to the whole other girl writing in the journal thing. It'll be funny to see how they react when the entries keep appearing even though Melinda has the journal with her 24/7.

This is just something random I noticed in chapter 1, but at the end you wrote "And, on break,..." I don't think the commas separating that phrase on necessary, it's just a normal prepostitional phrase. Anyway, I have no idea why that stuck in my head, but I just thought I'd tell you.

I like how this story is being written. Melinda's entries have a definite journal feel; it's very realistic. I especially like Phoebe's anger at discovering Melinda's entries--that was priceless.

Curious. strange but wanting more.