I'm sorry, dead? dear?
She not she's stopped her attack
It was if coals from, It was as if coals from
Too bad I can't kill you... yetnotyea
Crystal ice sprouted onnotn her
Why does the crone/woman strike a deal when she can overpower Savay anyway?
"A Savay-cicle," the woman not mown said proudly.
Her name must be Elyria newparagraph quotationmark I told you not to kill her!
large comma poorly lit room
try not to use double punctuation if you can help it
I'm guessing you are even more knowledgable thannotthen him
dodged it with ease, and formed a whip ofnotor purple liquid
dragging a chair upon wheels behind hernothe
Lesion took his hand off Savay's mouthnotmoth
Theynotthe werenotseemed,makesforstrongerwriting serious and fierce
Don't push your luckcomma boy semicolon I may still kill you two
whatthefletcher, why is he letting them go?
The door led them to a long narrow tunneldeletecomma.
three people walking down this pathway was awkwarddeletecomma.
Your usenotse of magic was powerful
muggle dueling, how crude. Why not use magic? Ah, I see, why not sooner? Isn't anything you can do from a distance better?
BAMN? BAM?

Creative name commanotperiod Yiang thought bitterly
A boy and girl were not we're arguing
you don't need presumably
pertrubed... is that really the word you're looking for?
"Oh my, are you all right questionmark" the voice of the man was fading slowly
pull yourself too hard, or push yourself too hard?
I still don't know your notyou're names
Savay and Avion alone in paragraphs have a period, I think
lol I like the fire-elf
one not onne girl who was not masked

Cool, mostly grammer/spelling, keep writing we can be pickier when there's a complete rough draft. So happy it's moving along!

dude you posted the 3rd chapter~

*pokes j00*

Update!

haha nice!! i love it! very nice writing!

ahh I like the last version better... so much things are unexplaned... I liked the savay dead part

Good job so far. I know Finals, suck, but hey, we had to do them sometime. Make sure you keep writing over Winter Break!

Ah! Cliffhanger! -hits you with corn stalk- Next chapter please! This is so interesting. I want more! lol. Nice job on writting this one. Third...or sixth time the charm? Fighting scenes are hard to write about but you did well. -claps- Been a long time since I've read someones story on FictionPress or Fanfiction that I liked.

Interesting beginning. I'm not sure about the opening scene. It seems unnecessary and places the emphasis in the wrong place, as well as giving me an impression of Yiang that is entirely defied by her later appearance. Some of her dialogue there is a little awkward, as well. The other characters are interesting, though. I'm curious where the story's going from here. And I can certainly sympathize with restarting a story repeatedly. Keep writing.