Reviews for Act of a Superhero

Reviews For: Act of a Superhero

BeautyisFleeting 2008-07-30 ch 3,	abuseI really like this so far. I can't wait to see what happens next. The only thing I have to say is that the begining moves kind of slow, but it's still really good.
Twilight Starr 2007-09-18 ch 1,	abuseGood beginning. I really can't find anything to criticize besides the beginning is rather boring (they generally are so that's no big thing). You want to draw the reader in at the beginning. Just some advice. This story has potential. Good luck with writing and this story. ~Twilight Starr~
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-15 ch 2,	abuseThe way you described how the Mohawk guy had to sit really added to the scene and made his difficulty easy to picture (and for good reasons! Jesus! ^^) "every time the walked passed there son’s" Words with these made no sense, so think of rewording them please. "Max’s mother, who privately worried that her career might’ve left him lonely as his radical ideals suggested to her." Wonderful sentence. It really flowed and had nice description. "of a miniature dog, at Max’s quick firm bootsteps" lose the comma, it breaks up the sentence and disrupts the flow. " It’s sucks." It's means It is. And you can't say Is is sucks, so: It sucks "But Max’s was distracted" you seem to have misunderstood the usage of the apostrophe. It is to signal possession. As this sentence does not regard anything OF Max, but Max himself, no need to have the s. Only his name. You ended the chapter better this time in my opinion. There is a premonition of something special happening, a hook so to speak. This is good. What I am a tad worried about is your tendency at writing things that do not really matter, and describing them as well. Try to cut out the unnecessary elements. As for the person in the locked room; who is it? I am guessing... erm... a) anti-social freak b) slave!! c) captive, but not slave, only some kidnapped poor dude(ette) d) the correct answer! Oh another thing; proof-read, proof-read, proof-read! Your weakness is writing a lot that doesn't really seem to have anything to do with anything so far (ie, it all leads up to nowhere. Sure, we get insights into Aaron's life, but that gets redundant as it doesn't show any meaning. Insight in Max's life was interesting though, I admit) Shorten, shorten, shorten! ^^ (I should know, I have the same problem. I can never shut up. You probably noticed, judging by my two reviews... It's a disease! So I try to ramble it out in reviews rather than my stories so they won't suffer as much, har har). Good luck with the next chapter! PM me if you got any questions or anything (though I am no writing genius myself...)
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-15 ch 1,	abuse"the piece of paper had been filed away to retrieved" to be retrieved sounds a bit more logial, to me. :P "The job was cleaning house for a couple of " I am not too sure of what you mean with this sentence.. If cleaning house is a definite term, ignore what I say. If cleaning houses is what he is supposed to do, pay some attention: My suggestion: The job was cleaning houses for a couple of or The job was to clean houses for a couple of I might have misunderstood though what you meant though (not the first time). "glasses through witch she gazed at him," witch is the nasty woman at Halloween events. Which is what you look for :P "rent id they could afford" Tsk tsk! Supposed to be an "if", am I correct? "to clean there house" There is a place. Their is the possessive. "afford to higher" Higher is when you go up, hire is when you employ ^^ "As a mater" It's matter "that Aaron returned to letting his body" it should only be "let". And I don't know if you can step into a doorway... Hmm.. Don't count this is a fault though, as I am uncertain. "a Picasso paining" you missed a 't' there "“It’s to early in" when something is extra much, you use too. Which TWO o's :P "so These dishes" , "The Sink was" - why did you capitalize these and sink? They shouldn't be. - Very interesting opening to the chapter (har har, as grey as Moby Dick's beginning :P) It was a nice way to describe something in a captivating manner. I however dislike your random insertion of telling exactly what he was wearing. What he is wearing is never really relevant, unless you which to prove a point with such, and if you wish to prove a point, you should mention in after or along somewhere in that sentence. The question of why they did not hire a female for the job was interesting, but particularly the response. I like odd things like that. Shows some...character. So everyone is not so bleak etc. However; Aaron so far has no personality. His thoughts have been general and not too much have stood out about him. Maybe that is what you are trying to get at (at least that is what I figured); turning a perfectly normal boy into a superhero. But you should stress his normalness a bit more bluntly in that case. If you don't it appears as if you did not put as much thought into the whole thing and it makes in bland. Ugh, I suck at explaining... Do you understand? Otherwise you can PM and aske me to try again :P As for how you ended the chapter; A cliffhanger would be nice. Unless you have a good reason not to, always try to end chapters with a sort of cliffhanger, or at least a foreboding premise. Here there was nothing of that. Especially first chapters need that sort of addictive hook to keep readers and make them want to click the "next chapter" button. Hm, a general advice is also to proof-read your chapter a bit more carefully. There were some careless mistakes (that "id" for example). Your structure is nice, and description is there. My main concern is that there isn't enough personality in the second half of the chapter (that was the weaker part. It seemed dragged out.) Off to next chapter now!
Jordan A. Masters 2007-07-15 ch 2,	abuseThis is an interesting storyline. I like it and hope you will continue it. I'm noticing a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. You might want to take another look through it and fix some of them - at points it was hard to read because letters were missing and I wasn't exactly sure what word it was supposed to be until I put it into context. Also, you seem to be doing a lot more "telling" than "showing," which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's only a bad thing when the narration is stating the obvious. For instance, when Max uses the word "'rents," you don't have to tell us in the next line that he uses that word. We know. We just saw him do it. Also, not to nit pick, but you don't have to use your character's name in every single paragraph. Once you've introduced him as Aaron, unless you tell us it's someone else, we're probably going to assume that Aaron is the one doing stuff. Even if you're not thinking about publishing, you might want to consider not brow-beating your readers with your character's name every other sentence. Just a thought. Also, some of your verbs and other descriptions don't make sense where they're used. How exactly do you "slouch" up to a room? When Ellen is knocking on Aaron's door, for another example, if she's using her fist there would be a pounding sound. The only way a fist would tap is if she's knocking very, very lightly. And an eight-inch Mohawk seems a bit too exaggerated; if Max is only 5'9", the hair would then make him 6'5". You might want to give him a haircut. Hope this helps!
Stained-Rain4747 2007-07-08 ch 1,	abuseThe way you described the charaters, surroundings, and moods, was perfect. All the grammer and spelling seems to be correct but i suck at that so you might want to check with someone else. Over all it is a well written interesting piece. Hope you continue this story. see ya, Stained-Rain4747
yukki 2007-06-12 ch 1,	abuseThis is pretty good! Your new writing style is just fine, though there are a few parts that could use rewording and are a little confusing. I get what you were trying to say, however. And... and... the locked door! I remember something about the door. WHAT'S BEHIND THE DOOR!?
Flyyboy06 2007-01-04 ch 1,	abuse"The employers, a Mr. Thomas and a Mr. Still, partners—business partners, Mr. Still had been clear to distinguish—" that made me laugh really hard for some reason.anyway,i haven't read anything else you've written so i don't know your usual style[since you claim that this is a new style for you]but this one works just fine.It flowed nicely and i liked a lot of your word choice.i didn't really get a grasp on what the plot was/where the story is going but that could be a good thing.good job though,this story looks like an interesting one to watch and see where it's going, David

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