|Reviews for The Unwanted Present|
| Loren 3/6/07 . chapter 1
well, it was an interesting idea, but it needs a lot of work.
first of all, i would suggest moving this to a different section, because it is fiction, not a biography. just because it is a biography to the protagonist doesn't mean it is a biography in real life. if this were true, most fiction would be classified as biographies.
if you really want this to feel like a biography, perhaps you should make your characters a little more believable. your characters like the sister and the math teacher are cliche and take away much of the story's maturity.
also, i would go with the schizophrenia idea over the two mind idea. or perhaps just use magic in your explanation. because the two eggs merging into one makes absolutely no sense at all (the number of chromosomes would be wrong and the egg wouldn't live past germination, it is impossible for a human to look absolutely normal and yet somehow have two brains).
on a good note, your grammar and punctuation where for the most part very good. i personally find this to be a huge aspect of writing, so bravo on that count.
| DragnBreth 3/5/07 . chapter 1
Interestin'. Very interestin'. At first I thought you were writing about a male version of Nikki/Jessica character from Heroes, but I was wrong. Anywho, good job on it!
| Typo 12/22/06 . chapter 1
AG! This was like too creepy! I thought it would be like Christmas good not Christmas gruesome. Did he have to di9e? I mean it would have been way better had the guy lived through it all. or at least until after Christmas. So anyway it was uh your style but not the way you usually write. I suggest not doing it that way any more. It uh has some problems... Well see you. Or not.