A class work as usual. I really enjoyed AOD's humor towards Wolf, but then again, our cynical hero is not the easiest person to please is her. Anyway, sorry it has taken me so long to review again but I had pretty much lost all will to do many things, including writing and reviewing. But as usual, great job, and I am glad to see such a talented writer back for desert.
Oh, and I updated Guilty Act. I know it's been a while, but hey, its an update.

-The Mind Scream Out In Insanity,
Craving A Distant Tranquilty,
The Cerebral Assasin,
The Madness Soldier-

I've been waiting for you to update for a pretty damn long time... and ya did. This chapter is great, especially the way you ended it. I'm wonder what happeneed when wolf said "Beijing, August 4, 2003, Bi Jing Ning". I guess i'll find out sooner or later. Chekk out my stories too sometime. I'll kep chekkin since ur in my alert list. peace.

Great chapter my friend. I will forever quote angel when I need someone to get the hell out of my bubble. LOL. Anyway man, great with no complaints :)!

I corrupt from within,

The Madness...

Hmph this chapter took you long enough. Did I ever mention how very awesome your characterization is? And the plotline is getting only more interesting as the story moves on. Oh, and that Hispanic girl or w/e Angelous meets on the plane, she sounds important. I don't think you put her there by chance. Meh, I could be wrong.
I'll just find out later, won't I? Until then, chao!

This is probably the second best story on fiction press I ever read. You are a great writer and I hope you continue with your works. I give ya story a 9 out of 10 only because I really can't see a plot going on but I suspect that that comes later. There's nothing wrong with this story except a couple of grammar things (I read your homepage, so I know you don't reely care bout, me neither personally). Chekk muh stories out too called The Assassins Creed in the manga section. Good luck. You are DEFINITELY going on my favorites and alerts list.

Wow this is really good!
The switch between POVs was confusing at first but that's all. This is really interesting and isn't as cliche as some of the others I've read on this site!
Update soon!

I was wondering what happened to this story. Good chap in the way of describing Jennie. She's so funny in her own way. But I still think the hero can be such an **. But oh well, personality is nice in that sense. Very well established and realistic given his job. The beginning of the story was really hard to follow at first, it was real wordy and the like. Sentences were stuffed full of expression so I had to read slow to keep pace. But once the story took off, the scene with the bed and after, everything fell into place pretty easily. This chap was loaded with characterization, so it'll be interesting to see the next chap and all that stuff about the KIDS. And poor Mai, I feel so bad for her.

lftnc

I liked the look in Mai's life and how she feels about her self image. I mean if being flat as board is what some guys want well then Mai's their girl! Well, either her or my ex-girlfriend. But thats beside the point. Anywho, another great chapter and I can't wait for the next.

I corrupt from within...

The Madness.

BLOW HIS PUNK ** UP! Nice touch with A.O.D. threatening the Wannabe brothers. God I hate freakin' wanksta's and they are just making me want to slap their teeth so far down their throats they'll be ** out plaque. But I digress, and state that this was a very well written chapter my friend. I like Mai's character, and with Angelous snapping it is only better.

I corrupt from within...

The Madness.

Nice descriptive story telling style, and very nice presentation of characters. I like the plot thus far since it makes me want to read more. Angelous reminds me of the love child of Max Payne and James Bond. but thats just my opinion. Anyway another great chapter and on to the next I go!

I corrupt from within...

The Madness.

I'm sorry that it took so long to review this but man am I ever glad I read it. I like the sarcasmn of your main character and just his personality and lifestyle appeals to me greatly. Plus the kid is funny which is always a plus. Anyway great chapter and no complaints.

You know, its stories like this that make me glad I didn't let the opening stop me from continuing. In case you're not familiar with my review style (and I doubt you are), I tend to point out the negatives early on, so I can put that past me and move on to the good.

Okay, the first positive I spotted is that the tense issues I memtioned in my previous review have been pretty much fixed here.

Second, I think you did a good job in making Angelous less whiny, which made him far more likable -- especially with his cool dialogue and amusing thoughts. As far as main characters go, he's a pretty good one so far.

Also, I like the way you introduced Mai. She seems like an interesting character so far.

Your dialogue is still very good, and its still my favorite part of your writing. And since I already pointed out what I thought was wrong with those sound effects you have, I have to say that they make me laugh almost every time I read them. I used to do that not too long ago, so I know exactly what sounds you're trying to have.

I could try to make another list of things you did wrong, but there isn't much wrong here, and the mistakes you made aren't any different than what I said in the last review. No sense in beating a dead horse twice.

So, overall, this wasn't a great chapter, but it was a good one that proved this story is about more than just killing. That's always a plus to me. As I said in the last review, I think this story has a lot of potential. And now that I've already over-analyzed it, I'm free to just enjoy it for it is: a funny, pure manga without artwork. Its not perfect, but it's pretty entertaining, and that's all I care about. I'll have to check out the next chapter sometime.

Catch you later.

-Dice "Just Being Honest" Darwin-

Okay, first off, I have to thank you for being honest in your review of my story. Its good to have someone being as honest about my writing as I am about everyone elses. Since alerts are down, I'll have to reply to your review of my story here.

Just because I start a sentence with a participal, such as "Riding" doesn't mean that the sentence is flip-flopping tenses, or is written in present tense if the full sentence is "Riding through the neighborhood of a city he’d never been in, Wyatt couldn’t locate a gas station anywhere." Remember, you have to take in the whole sentence, not just bits and pieces. So no, my fourth paragraph wasn't written in present tense as you said.

So thanks for sharing your opinion on tenses, but I'll have to say that I disagree. And no, Wyatt isn't badass. Anyone can do badass, but not everyone can do human -- which is what I'm aiming for. And I'm glad you spotted that he isn't. It means you have a good eye for characters.

And about me giving away too much at the beginning of my story, I disagree with you again. I gave enough for readers to know what they're getting into, so they can decide if they want to stick around or not. And really, you don't know whether I've given too much or not, since you don't know where the plot goes from there.

But that's enough about my story. Since you were kind enough to give me CC, I'll return the favor.

'Thud! Was all I heard as the target hit the ground.' --Okay, here you start the story off with a sound effect, which isn't my style, but isn't technically wrong. What is wrong is that 'Thud!' is either meant to be a sentence by itself (with the exclaimation point ending the sentence), or you meant for it to be combined with the rest. Now, if 'Thud!' stands alone, then you started the next sentence with 'Was', which isn't accepted as good grammar. If 'Thud' and 'Was' are a part of the same sentence, then 'Was' shouldn't be capitalized. In short, its wrong either way.

"Ya Done Son" whispered my lips... --You're missing a comma between Son and the quotation marks. Its spoken dialogue, so there must be some form of punctuation.

"Thank Ya Ma'am" to the landlord and out I went into the cold. --First off, you shouldn't have capitalized "Ya" or "Ma'am." Secondly, you didn't show the dialogue came about. It would've worked if you had put something like: I said (or say, depending on the tense you've chosen) "Thank ya ma'am" to the landlord... Instead, there's nothing specifically telling who spoke. Being vague with the plot and such is fine to a point, but you need clarity when writing dialogue. This doesn't have it.

'How come I never get to go somewhere nice, like Hawaii.' Change the period at the end to a question mark.

Now I just realized that you have tense issues. This sentence here: 'I recline back in my seat as I continue down this memorized route to the airport.' and these here: 'I lifted the Razr to my ear “Sup Papa Bear?” I answered with a humorous overtone.' are in the same paragraph, yet the first is present tense and the others are past. In fact, the first paragraph of the story starts in past tense, but present tense is used just as often, if not more, throughout the prologue.

Now, I'm not going to go through every single grammar mistake. That would take forever to write. I do suggest that you either go back and edit every paragraph of this, or get a good editor to do it for you. I'll go through a little more of your punctuation issues, though, since I haven't covered that as much.

“Yeah, Daddy Warbucks” --Add a period at the end of this.

Three lines down from that, you're missing another period here: “Yeah”

“A.O.D.!!” --Drop the extra exclaimation point.

“By the way, I have a message for you from your Mom. Don’t forget you have a test tomorrow in US History.” --When quoting someone else's words within dialogue, you use single quotes (') at the beginning and end of the quoted words, the same way you have double quotes (") around dialogue. Also, you should drop the period after "Mom" and change it to a colon.

“**” --Again, a missing period.

So overall, you have a lot of grammar and punctiation mistakes in only a few amount of words. You need to clean this up.

Now, about your writing style, I think your narrative has an aggressive feel to it and that works pretty well here. I like it.

You main character comes off as a bit whiny and immature, especially when nearly half of the prologue's narration is him complaining about one thing or another. However, I like his lines of dialogue, so good job there. In fact, I like all of the dialogue in this.

Okay, my overall thought about this prologue is that its unnecessary. Prologues are only there to give information you couldn't have fit into a chapter. This seemed like it could've -- had you fleshed it out a whole lot -- been a good openining scene of the first chapter. But as it stands, it doesn't give much information.

You chose this prologue to be the first thing readers read, the first thing they use to determine whether they want to continue. Honestly, this prologue doesn't make me want to continue. Its not hooking.

The opening scene is vague at best and there's little information given here. Your dialogue -- cool as it is -- seems only to be there to show the relationship between characters that readers have no reason to care about, and to tell about a scene (the mission A.O.D accomplished) that should've been shown in more detail.

Since I don't like writing stories off so quickly, especially ones this stylish, I'll check out chapter one. In the future, though, I suggest that you try to make a stronger first impression with your stories. Because I get the feeling that this has great potential, but a lot of people may never care to read on because of this weak beginning.

So I hope my honesty helps in some way.

-- Dice Darwin

Ugh! A cliffhanger...I hate those!! I'll have to read on later to see what happens... Well AWESOME CHAPPIE MAN!! Can't wait to read the neXt one!

UnTil Then

LoVe Ya

Niki!!

Thanks for the review...Ihad been questioning myself about the first chappie for awhile. So thanks that problem has been resolved. By the way nice prolouge...it has a lot of humor to it. I'll be reading on later to see what happens!

Until Then

LoVe Ya

Niki!!