Reviews for MetaHumans Revised

Reviews For: MetaHumans Revised

Gwendolyn D. 2008-08-20 ch 1,	Hello! I am here to review your story. I found you within the forums somewhere. I’ll put a post in it.  I chose to pick out some lines and point out thoughts from it, but first I’d like to say it’s an intriguing story, (I’ve only read the first chapter so far though) and I’m curious as to what’s going on. Seems Taya has some visionary power perhaps? Only due to the “don’t worry Landon’s a virgin” comment. And I presume that there are powers due to the tiger ears and such.  "Because Taya isn't exactly what you call the most social person she a little more of what you might call a wild flower." -- You’re lacking in commas, and it’s a common lack-age through the entire chapter, therefore creating run on sentences that are a little hard to read. "Shang I lived with you for over 3 years I've seen your technique and you’re the kind of guy Taya usually beats up and trust me on that I've known Taya for a long while she won't take it easy on you just cause you got the idea in your head that she's your sole mate." -- Soul mate. Sole in the spelling you’ve used it for is like the sole of your shoe, which isn’t what you were going for. "Look Shang you at least pretend to be able to concentrate on something other than a woman." --This is slightly awkward without commas and the wording is off from what you want it to mean. I presume you’re wanting to put “Look Shang, are you at least able to pretend to concentrate on something other than a woman?” Missing the question mark as well. Mr. Ramsey cleared his throat to get the classes attention. – Classes in the spelling you’ve used means multiple classes. So unless he’s straddling doors and trying to get three classes to pay attention at once, you want to use “class’” and not ‘ class’s’ due to an s already being at the end. The class seem to drag on and on in Shang's mind. The teacher seemed to think that Shang was paying the least bit of attention. Shang was leaning on the desk his head just barely held up by his right hand and he was looking out the window. "Shang you must know the quadratic formula perfectly seeing as how you don't seem to pay the least bit of attention, why don't you stand up and explain it along with it's solution possibilities?" The teachers arms were crossed and he was staring at Shang. – These last two paragraphs are repetitive with the phrase ‘least bit of attention’. Would have worked better if you’d only used it once, or found another way to phrase it the second time. I find it a little off about how Kalo was stunned to silence first time she saw Landon, then seems to act fine around him from then on. Seems off. Moving on. She couldn't help but crack a smile in return. "Are you asking me on a date?" "Yes actually I am." He answered a smile still across his face. "I'm sorry, but, no." She answered and turned away to walk on. Shang's mouth almost hit the ground. – I’m confused why he seems shocked she said no, since Landon warned him she would react exactly that way. If the shock is from thinking he’s better than anyone and no one can resist him, explain his thoughts. Otherwise, perhaps he should be thinking “darn, Landon was right. Okay, next approach.” "I'm not a very social person. I don't do dates really." She said looking strait ahead at where she was going. – Even if Taya thought of herself as not very social, that tends not to be how someone would describe themselves. Perhaps she would have simply said ‘I don’t do dates’ or ‘I don’t like going out much’. Also, strait should be straight. She didn't want to let him on such manners things like that were just too horrible to bring up. – This sentence is awkward and I’m not really sure what you’re meaning. Taya had no words to speak with, she was amazed at the patience that he had with her. --What patience? Perhaps he has confidence or arrogance in just taking her hand to drag her away. He headed toward the door. "See you then at about 12?" –Don’t use numbers, use the numerical words instead, especially in speech. What’s Kon-ki? Is it a store, an item? Describe this a bit more as I’m confused. "Come on you oh to your best friend and match maker." – Are you meaning ‘Come on, you OWE it to your best friend and match-maker’? "Well...” Kalo started there was this- no I don't think..." -- There aren’t enough quotation marks here.  “Taya.” Someone yelled shaking Taya. “Taya get up.” Taya rolled over and opened her eyes. “Uh too early..” she moaned. – This should have been split into two paragraphs since two different people were talking within it. The lunch bell rang and everyone got up to leave. –Where were they? I was under the impression they had a lunch date on a weekend, but was it at the school? This is a little confusing. Overall, there were a few—not many—spelling errors and such, but I picked out the worst ones to show you. I hope that helps some! ^_^
Windspeck 2008-08-13 ch 1,	I read the first chapter. So far, the idea is pretty good, but you should really work a bit on your grammar. There are a LOT of places where you have missing commas and periods, especially in dialogues. It' like they're talking as if reading off a script. I never read your first version, so I don't know if you've improved a lot or not, but so far it's okay. Just...okay. Not great or anything, definitely not bad, just okay. The concept's good, but really, add some commas or readers will get breathless. =D
LiberryBooked 2008-08-12 ch 1,	Though I enjoyed it I also found many things you could work on in this chapter. The chapter was very heavy on the dialogue, and where there wasn't dialogue there was a chunk of narration. Instead you could scatter narration and description between the dialogue, so that the story doesn't read as much like a script. But the idea itself is good, it just needs a better hook to start it off with and more proper description throughout. -Liberry
Vamp-fan1987'-' 2007-06-17 ch 3,	hm... what to say, what to say... where are the friggin words when I need them?! I'm trying to make this good, so it doesn't ramble... It's so cool! update soon, ok? I can't wait to see chappie 4! btw, your chapters are really, really long. and who are the other people? I was kind of lost on that. anyways, update!
Mephistophelian 2007-04-04 ch 2,	Gah! Sorry this review is so belated, but you know...real life is kind of persistant like that. Ok, so, I'm reviewing now. First off, the first conversation between Viktor and Kalo was great for character development. One thing I noticed in the previous version was that the characters didn't really have much emotional depth, which made them hard to relate to. It was nice to see that Kalo had some feelings ;P But it does not change the fact that Viktor makes me nervous. He used to be my favorate character, but now he's showing a bit too many warning signs of an abusive partner. Lol at Kalo's 'crap' and Landon's fangirls. He totally seems like the type that would appreciate fangirls. I was a bit confused about the new characters you introduced this chapter...there were a lot of them, and this is my third time reading this chapter and I still don't really know who's who...but that might just be me. Lastly, I have a question. No one really seems particularly bothered by all the strange mutations being sported by your protagonists. I think that, realistically, if someone saw Langdon fly off a building, there'd be tv crews and reporters there in about three seconds. It would be a media blitz, you know? I mean yeah, he'd have fangirls. But he'd also be in the national news. But no one seems bothered by Taya's paws or ears, or shang's, or Kalo's feather hair for that matter. Is there a reason? Just curious. Great update! Can't wait for chapter three! -Mephistophelian (P.S: that picture you drew of gabriel seems to have...dissapeared. The link is no longer working. I cried :( Could you send it to me again?)
Foxleopard 2007-03-12 ch 2,	Excellent story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter! The plot keeps getting more and more exciting!
Mephistophelian 2007-01-25 ch 1,	Here I am, and I read just like I promised! I have to admit, I did actually read the first incarnation of MetaHumans...but I kind of lost interest in it. There was a plot in the beginning, but it got lost and suddenly the story seemed to just be about a bunch of people hooking up. I have high hopes for version two, though...it's important for the plot and the romance to be balanced! And aside from some spelling and grammar mistakes, this seems like a great beginning! Your characters have me facinated O.O Update soon! -Mephistophelian
Nuvez 2007-01-10 ch 1,	Alright! Y is it most everystory I go to read is not finished? Just my luck n its good too. So when's the next chapter going up?
M.H. Moosetail 2007-01-04 ch 1,	Nicely done I must say. Can't help but to have picked up a few things from you. Shang is my favourite and Victor is cool also. but for more impact, i'd be very descriptive when I do dialogue between two people. Rarely I just have one character say something and that be it and have the other person respond quickly. that's just when the world stops and listens to what they are saying. yeah so work on it. and like the other guy said, Capital letters used for excite isn't necessary, your explanation after or before is enough. Anyways, i'd like you to read my story, Blazing in Glory. farewell
Haske 2006-12-23 ch 1,	Very good so far, but a few grammitical errors(pardon the spelling) i like to point out. First is the caps in some of the excitment and yelling, there is no need to this. Your tags before or after the text should be enough. Next the multiple punctuation marks. Well thats all i got, keep going and dont give up.

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