|Reviews for Pure Instinct|
| Agapantha 6/16/07 . chapter 17
'floor, Jake took advantage ' - Louis, Louis, Louis!
Hey hun, How's you?
'he had a whole one hundred and fifty years to his name' very clever way of putting it, even tho you've said he's 150, he doesnt seem old.
'My my, we are arrogant aren’t we.’ Tis a question
'The Royal Oak was a feeding ground, using the spells in the stonework outside to draw in human was disgusted but didn’t utter comment' I liked that - not sure why but i did.
'macabre ' the perfect word.
'usual pale pink hue to a pure white hue.' Brilliant description, but hue comes up twice and I dont think you need the first one.
'She sent me to…retrieve…something' th eellipses work perfectly. but you dont always need to state everything - this is only personal, but if i were you I wouldnt use the narrative tthat you write after this speech. only personal though.
'You can trust Luis with anything you have to say; I trust him with my life Kacie' this doesnt really make sense to me, i mean Louis is scared of her - that doesnt really suggest a trusting relationship.
' s-see why you h-h-hesitated.’ Colette got out, choked and breathless' she doesnt really seem to be te sort t stutter or choke out? (has made it a question so you dont get angry X D)
'Kacie was, to put it mildly, a little distressed' Ah, talk around the subject - dont jut state things let the reader work them out by reading the suggestions.
'something out of place rose out of the darkness; it was something new, unsoiled, out of place.' you usd out of place twice.
'It was Jake.' Ah, crazy - great use of teh short sentence.
So update then! I know you've got like the next 8 ready, stop being stubborn and put them up!
| ladydragon93 6/14/07 . chapter 17
Wonderful story so far, I love how the plot just seems to get deeper and deeper. Luis is nice, but Jake...wow.
Haha, anyway, keep up the great work.
| DetachedAngel777 6/13/07 . chapter 17
Good cliffy. hmm..i wonder what's going to happen to jake?
| Virage 6/13/07 . chapter 17
Cool chappie. I'm suprised Colette treated Kacie so nicely, but her attitude was wild when different parts of the conversation came up. First she was menacing like some uber vampire, then she went pale at the mention of a name, then warmy and tingly. Isabella must have been huge in her time. Whatever it was she did. The sentences that had descriptions were well done, I liked the poeticness of it all. The progression was good too, I didn't get lost or confused at all. And I can't really think of anything else to say. I'm looking forward to the next chapter though, it'll be cool to see what happens to Kacie and Jake. Or if Colette knew who Jake was. Anyway, the documents part does sound intriguing so whenever Kacie finds out all her answers, it might be nice to see what things are uncovered too.
| DetachedAngel777 6/9/07 . chapter 16
I love your story so far, It is really interesting
| ladydragon93 6/8/07 . chapter 16
Interesting character this Luis. ((I like Jake better))
Perfectly awsome story so far, I'm glad someone on this site has heard of spell check. Keep up the great work!
| GemfirestoneMoonbeamcatcher 6/8/07 . chapter 1
nice i like it alot
| puppymobile 6/8/07 . chapter 16
I'm not sure if I've skipped a chapter... Will have to check... But anyhoo, back to you :P
"Kacie was attacked on all sides by the vicious rainfall.
Kacie ran through the attack, oblivious." You used attack twice try using a different word.
"Though, one small part of her unconscious mind..." I really can't be bothered to put all the sentence cause I'm at school now, but oh well... You're worth it :P. The comma after though doesn't need to be there. I think...
"bursting unexpected through torrents of rain." There needs to be a comma after bursting and then after unexpected. So it reads like this: bursting, unexpected, through torrents of rain.
"It’s a very bleak situation when you can’t even trust yourself" That, my dear, is great. As soon as I read it, I was like "Oo. That's great."
"A menacing black figure. She fell to the ground.
With Kacie long gone, Jake knew there was no chance of him ever finding her." You kinda need those little stars or something, coz it was a bit jarring and I thought I was still in that different scene.
"‘Aye, it is ‘hat. A p’rfec’ plac’ to my min’.’ he nodded as he spoke, punctuating his words." I like that.
And I'm sorry, but I've gotta go. I didn't finsh it, but I will and tell you on msn, ok?
Loads o luv, Puppymobile :P
| Virage 6/6/07 . chapter 16
Oh, I think I like Luis. His personality seems like a totally different one that might compliment the other characters in the story. The way he acts is also slighty humorous and I have to say, the guy also feels like he's hiding a few things. As for Jake, lol, I hope nothing bad happens to him. This chapter was pretty cool and I can't wait to see who this Ancient person is, and why Isabella's name was so important. I bet there's going to be a cool plot point coming up. And I can't wait to see what Jake will think of this new guy, Luis. He should totally get jealous. Or they should fight or something. Or maybe Kacie will smack them around and tell them not to be so immature. I could see her doing that.
But the story is still on the road to intersting, and I can't wait to see how the Ancient plays in with Kacie and the supposed documents they're looking for. And I totally forgot about the geneticism bit about vampires! I'm intrigued again lol, I can't wait to see how that unfolds.
| Agapantha 6/6/07 . chapter 16
'Kacie was attacked on all sides by the vicious rainfall.
Kacie ran through the attack, oblivious' attack, twice! the horror.
'a war on the world' great
'She was a dark spectre in the downpour, bursting unexpected through torrents of rain. On and on she ran, desperately trying to escape her problems' scrumptulous. (is tht the word I made up?)
'she was running blind' love da simplicity.
'Hmm, well, let’s see ‘ere…mm. well, ‘ere’s The Royal Oa’ and the Paradi’e Caf’' Just saying he's scottish is enough. there is no need (and I quote) for a forest of apostrophes over missing vowels.
royal oak - clever clever.
'What he saw disturbed him.' good - gripping 'This was bad'
'Luis winked, his wording and tone suggestive' tell me - was any of this thought of/ written in a bio lesson?
'It is!’ Luis protested' lol
'Hmm,’ Jake thought for a while, intrigued, ‘all vampires are ancient by a human’s standards. I myself am one hundred and fifty years old.’ Luis revealed smugly' used the rong name at the beginning there hun.
' cloth: he was gagged. Scrunching up his face because of the rancid taste of the cloth,' 2 cloths.
kk, no time for a long winded ending. excellent etc... as alwyas sighs. Luv ya
| Agapantha 6/5/07 . chapter 15
Heya Holly. Fianlly got around to doing this.
Ok firstly I'm gonna tell you some things you probably already know - ie, Remus - Brilliant name, and the bit about possesing that I found confusing.
I've decided to shorten this review so I'm only gonna put in the mistakes - Truly sorry, i really am.
'he’s pegged Kacie to be someone who knew nothing of his kind but it appeared that she learnt fast.' Firstly typo, normally I just pass over these but the 's' and the 'd' keys are very close, but if you press the wwrong one it can make a sentence into the completely worng tense. Um... secondly, we, as the readers, knopw thatr Kacie knows nothing about deamons, but Remus doesn't, I want some explaining here! why's he pegged her to be clueless? How does he know she learnt fast? wouldnt it be better if the demon figured she watched movies or summat? or if he just thought his original assumption waas wrong - he doesnt know what we do.
'Well, let’s see, maybe the fact that it’s common knowledge?’ the demon taunted' lol - yeah I know, a positive - so sue me.
'he now knew Kacie to be a worthy opponent. She was skilled in combat, he surmised.' What the! How can he work out seh's a skilled combatant? she hasn't fought him. And why would figfhting skills matter to a demon with supernatural powers? he doesnt know shes a vamp.
'My name is Remus, not “demon”!' lmao im sensin soem inspiration from a certain book? X D
Sorry you're probably thinking I'm really picky today but I want you to get it perfect. 'Sarcasm was becoming Jake’s speciality.' Where else is he sarcastic?
'letting out the anger he felt in a different way' It's more like annoyance, not really anger. (yeah please dont hit me. I wouldnt do this to anyone else because i'd fear they wouldnt like it but you're my friend, and you did ask for perfection)
'Jake blinked. He was clueless.' like that sentence.
'his voice rasped, his face ashen' even better.
'Banished.' yup yup awesome snappy sentence.
'Kacie…I thought I said to trust me?’
Kacie snorted and crossed her arms over her chest rebelliously but otherwise remained silent.
‘That’s what I thought.’ Jake grinned, satisfied.' Dont geddit. *cries*
But dpont worry i am going to end on a good point. 'She left so fast she was like a faint flutter of wind on a summer’s day; so quick to depart it’s hard to imagine anything was ever there at all.' azwesome awesome sentence. LOVE IT. It's so romanticy and sweet.
Ok luv ya hun.
| Agapantha 6/2/07 . chapter 14
HEY KITTY we're going shoppign this afternoon! YAY.
Sorry *hangs head* will get back to reviewing your story.
'The plane ride long over and dealt with, Kacie’s enthusiasm was quickly waning. The plane ride' you used plae ride twice and it sounds a bit repetitive, how about you put flight there instead of the second one?
'whole not crashing in a hot fireball' lmao
'She’d have much preferred the thrill of a life or death situation to start off her important quest with a bang.' That really is Kacie isn't it?
'That’s where they are now' Ah tense confusion!
'Isabella herself had booked it for them' good - the 'herself' implies the importance of their task.
'remains' tense - tut tut tut. lol *cheesy grin*
'Kacie’s head lolled sideways' that was funny - it really made me smile.
'I guess, at least everyone is equal in her books' that's a good sentence/thought.
'bleary eyed' i love that phrase.
'her joyful holiday mood still smiled right back: Kacie’s mood was infectious.' you used 'mood' twice.
'it isn’t wise to speak about secret plots amongst strangers.' That is my favourite phrase so far, but 'isn't' i'm afraid, mah darlin should be 'wasn't'
'monotonous minutes' what's that word beginning with a that means words start with the same letter? anyway you did that and it sounds really good.
'Kacie sneered; her disgusted expression displayed her thoughts better than any words.' lmao, that's a lovely sentence
'Isabella had found Kacie a little too hyperactive to trust with it' good, but maybe rebellious would be better? Kacie doesn't seem so hyperactive to me, she's more cynical and rebellious.
'The dingy magnolia walls and fraying, unfortunately coloured, carpet made Kacie turn up her nose in disgust. She was better than that' i need to find another word for good/great. I'll make one up! thats what I'll do. umm... that sentence was scrumptulicious. very good.
'Typical of any hotel in existence' really scrumptulicious Kits, i like it.
' door did open,' this works and all and doesn't need changing, but i think that if you put eventually in thhere it would make it sound better.
'Kacie…’ Jake began angrily, and then sighed, there was no point arguing with her.' I'm not really quite sure why but i really like this sentence.
'Kacie hadn’t completely missed Jake’s sudden mood change but she was intrigued.' better than scrumtulicious.
'‘But it’s dangerous…very dangerous. I could die.’' AWESOME!
'‘Please Jake?’ her eyes were pleading: this could be their only way to find a contact, a lead.
‘On one condition.’ Jake was caving…a little.
‘I-I want you to be yourself around me from now on, to trust me.’ he sent her a nervous, shaky smile.
It took Kacie a long time to reply. Giving her trust to anyone, especially after what had happened the previous year, was a big thing for her. Two warring factions of her mind battled it out between trust, her mission’s sure success, and fear sprinkled with reluctance. In the end, something broke the deadlock. She was lonely behind all her bravado.
‘You promise? You give your word?’
Kacie paused. The tension escalated.
‘Yes, I promise, you have my word' WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW - I LOVE YOU!
'it was hollow.
‘The chalk?’ he seemed only to be able to push out a few words at one time; it was obviously an effort to speak at all' AH I LOVE THIS BIT ITS THE BEST SO FAR.!
'Time became something abstract' Ive never heard this phrase before but its brilliant - your so creative.
'enveloping poor Jake completely' i dont think you should put the word 'poor' here - it kinda distracts from the tension.
'When Kacie reopened her eyes, the bright light gone, she found Jake’s eyes boring into hers. They were a hellish red, glowing with the same colour of the earlier blinding light. Kacie was rooted to the spot, struck with fear; this wasn’t the Jake she knew. This was something else' aah, *cries* such a good cliffy.
There you go - now you no why I never review your stuff, it just takes hours! i want to rite down so much - its just easier to highlight it in pink.
Luv ya hun
| ladydragon93 6/1/07 . chapter 15
I liked this chapter. Keep up the good work!
| Virage 5/29/07 . chapter 15
‘I imagine he was wanting the expert searcher spirit that I killed en route.’ The demon revealed smugly.
Sounds kinda like a typo, it's hard to understand. 'he wanted the..." maybe?
I think there were other grammar mistakes, but I'm too lazy to point them out.
Ok, the summoning part confused me alot. First Jake left, then Remus came, then supposedly left, then Jake came back, but said Remus hadn't left, and then Remus suddenly came back and then left, and then it was Jake and Kacie. See what I mean by a slight bit of confusing? Did Remus not leave, and what did it look like for him to come back, I mean, was he in Jake's body the whole time, was it like an aura, or something like that? But I think I sorta get it, I just had to double check the sentences.
Ahh, the emotional drama that is Jake and Kacie. I do like Kacie's angst, always better than everyone else. She's a handful arlight. I enjoy her character. Jake on the other hand is kinda a pushover. Lol, but he's a really good character. The chemistry between both of them is perfect.
| ladydragon93 5/26/07 . chapter 14
I really enjoyed your story. It's been so long since I've read one that was worth while. I won't tell you to hurry up and update, because I know how irritating that can be, but I'm anxious to see where the stroy goes. It's very interesting.