Reviews for Lost in California

Reviews For: Lost in California

Anaare 2007-02-12 ch 1,	A wonderful concept and a beautiful poem. Also, quite an interesting format. There is great imagery scattered throughout. "Like dreams in California that die the half-second before realization." Wonderful ending. All in all, I commend you on this piece. Well done.
if sighing 2007-02-05 ch 1,	Having been showered with not one, but TWO amazing critiques, I'm here to properly respond. I'm biased toward un-necessarily long poetry, which usually lends itself towards long poems, but the first lines of this poem erased all that bias. The ideas and images in here are quite nicely conveyed. Some bits and pharses are fascinating in their usage. You have this manipulation of punctuation where the period never hits the end of line until the end of the stanza or until a completed section which creates this full thought that runs smoothly. The first line sort of tripped me. The "I don't think I thought" sounds very awkward to me. It sticks with all the hard syllables, unless that's what you are trying to do, emphasizing the "kh" to convey the sense of "ker-plunking" rain. I'm a bit biased towards the repetition of adjectives ("fell fat" which is some talented phrasing and "fat needle") however seeing as their is some length to this piece, I'm thiking verbal echoes. The mention of insides recalls the thought of passion in the beginning. Maybe? (I tend to assume a lot. It probably not the greatest habit.) Um, just a questions is "froggy" a mistype or am I not getting something? I think that's all for the suggestions and the critical part of his review. Which means anything beyond this point can be considered useless or mindless praise. There's always something about road/driving/raining poems. The introspective nature is always there, and the narrator is always half-attached to the reader but fully intact with him/herself. There's always a distance, like the writer only expects the reader to halfway understand. The last stanza is interesting, especially visually. Full sentences appear virtually unbroken which makes me read them in a rush. It wraps up the poem but then presents this new idea that underlies the entire poem which allows levels/tiers in the piece itself. Um, I've probably blabbered on long enough, I have absolutely no sense of how long my thoughts appear on paper. This review is pretty long, isn't it? Sorry about that.
Midnight In Eden 2007-02-03 ch 1,	This is a very different style of yours and I'm not sure it's quite working for you. I love the pause "Still." gives you and definitely keep that. Otherwise, your first stanza feels very prosaic. Like prose given line breaks. I do like your last line very much though but starting with "I don't think I thought" is just not working at all. It's too "I" and too much on thinking. It's dense but dense can work without being prosaic. I'd think about contracting down some of the smaller transistions. It feels too overtly descriptive as well, it's static and unmoving. Give it some life. Same with stanza two. Very prosaic but better line breaks except for the variation on your repetition of "In the end", I'd think about keeping the same line breaks for that. The rain idea is cliched in the way you use it but the needle idea better. The "flat" feels superfluous and well flat. Keep the idea maybe but change up the wording. Again you insist on an odd last stanza that doesn't adhere to previous anythings. You need another form of "Still" there, a transistion over into it. Otherwise your poem should really finish on "I think that may be a sign". In fact I would prefer it to. Or switch up that last stanza a lot, with more line breaks and a lost sort of feel. All you need is a taut edit before this really works. .:midnight:.
elasticbobaturtle 2007-01-04 ch 1,	I really like the way this piece is narrated, like the speaker's trying to relate something in words he/she can't quite find...but somehow the reader feels it anyways. Love the unique word choice, it flows nicely, too. :) Keep writing~~!!
Moondog Dozier 2006-12-26 ch 1,	"Such as, the sky-smells orange version infinity.", is so uniquely phrased. I like how it seems as if the speaker is struggling to get something across in a way that has not yet been used, spoken, or written. Also, "rain's not wine anymore.", stands out as well, because it makes the reader think in mental paths that have not been traveled. This has a real bursting, questioning quality that enhances the overall affect. Very well written.
wat 2006-12-25 ch 1,	This poem was fairly startling because the words started taking paths they'd never gone before, so i got lost trailing after them. :) (i do think there's one typo in there - "all cold and fRoggy"? i do hope you didn't mean for that "r" to be in there.) the last lines i thought were great - i felt that "so close to the goal" yearning, and then whoosh! - it's cut short.

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