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Reviews For: Tainted Black
A. E. Custer 2007-02-06 . chapter 1
This is really such a great poem, I don't have much to say about it in way of crit. I would, however, possibly change the wording in line 4 'gets shot' to something a little faster to make it flow better. Read it outloud and maybe you'll see what i mean. But other than that, it's really greta and I love reading your work!
--Avery
Midnight In Eden 2007-01-08 . chapter 1
I would like to see this punctuated and in stanzas. It runs on too much to not be punctuated and the flow is completely rushed without it. With punctuation, obviously a period at the end of each stanza but read it through aloud and see what pauses you put into the piece. Where you read your commas as being placed.

With stanzas I see it like this:

Muses of the fool
Entangle through the core
The material heart pulses
As the mind gets shot once more

The ecstasy of emptiness
The hope of endless pain
The lifestyle of a trickster
There’s never much to gain

Once you get a taste of it
You’re never going back
You mind becomes entangled
Your heart is tainted black

Also, you don't need to capitalise the beginning of each line. It's an old tradition in poetry but one that I don't think helps you here. Your last rhyme of "back/black" feels so lazy to me. It's such an obvious and easy rhyme.

In stanza two, the repetition of "the" doesn't really add anything to it. You can get rid of it and still be grammatically correct but I think you should also make that stanza a little more interesting. You're only describing emotion there and saying that there's never much to gain. Why? How?

It reads a little flat too, I think the simplistic rhyme scheme doesn't help with that.

Hopefully these comments help, it could be very interesting but I think you're relying on safer words, a safe rhyme scheme.

.:midnight:.
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