First off, I quite like this idea. I do have issue with how you've set it out before you last two lines which I find simply delicious. I love the contrast between similarities then opposites.

On the technical side, I'd really like to see you fully punctuate this piece. You've got two commas then nothing until your final question mark. A good exercise to discern correct punctuation is to read it aloud, a short pause when reading is a comma. A longer pause is a period (or question mark). In regards to capitals, you don't need to capitalise the first letter of each line. I feel here it detracts from the piece rather than adds anything.

In regards to your content, I'm a little confused. You've got this wonderful idea at the end but that doesn't really conclude anything you've said before it. Your describing something for the first eight lines. Something melancholy but yet nothing concrete? Are you trying to describe yourself, then this other "you"? It's a cute rhyme scheme nonetheless. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough.

Hopefully this was helpful.

.:midnight:.