The opening paragraph is fluent and amazingly well-written in my opinion.

Quote: when Mummy would whip out a hanky, spit on it, and wipe his face before leaving him at school each morning.

Do mothers really do that in where you live?

Quote: Well…

This is really rather redundant. Delete it. What is the significance of the ellipsis?

Quote: hat skewed forwards so that it almost covered his eyes. He liked it that way; it gave him privacy.

Nice, very very nice.


Your writing has improved tremendously. Your description is beautifully laden with imagery and the story seems very interesting. The characterisation of Richard, in particular, is excellently done and there is almost nothing disappointing with this piece.