Reviews for Roanoke - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Roanoke - Reviews: Page 1 of 19

fatso17 2008-07-25 ch 20,	abuseWTF. Cal is still alive?! I thought she said she killed him! gape oh wow, this certainly isn't a cliff hanger! this story is developing well, so keep it up! update ASAP!
Seeker of Knowledge 2008-07-09 ch 20,	abuseyou cant stop there! you cruel, cruel, person as to your request i quite like your romance scene- its not soppy like most + its an action scene as well= i think you did rather well if you like military books you should try ones by John Ringo and/or David Webber never stop writing (>^) Eleri (^
Seeker of Knowledge 2008-07-08 ch 5,	abusehi... wow im finally reviewing something... anyway there were a couple of disrepensies i noticed with you story: 1.if shes lived on a prison island for a long amount of time where would she get the energy for the ariel battle 2. you mentioned that she had sustained an injury from a guard but her ability to fight wasnt hindered by this (well, depending on the severity of the injury, which i dont think was mentioned ^.^) other than that i enjoy hae enjoyed your story so far: -the plot is interesting -your descriptions are good and give a good basis off for the imagination -your characters are believable -the pace of the story is continous and keeps the reader focused (not in leaps and spurts) i look forward to reading the rest of the chapters never stop writing (>^) Eleri (^
Esther Jade 2008-07-03 ch 20,	abuseOh my word! What an ending - how did he come back from the dead? Ah! Yes, definitely an awesome chapter. You pushed the romance forward (yay!) but also upped the ante significantly. I think your writing style was just right, conveying the right feeling of suspense - in general, though, your suspense scenes have all been written well. You're also really good at ending every chapter on a cliff-hanger, making the story a real page-turner. Minor points: Full flyers under restraint always reminded her of caged animals, eager to break free and fight. - I really like this description. Chief Gant knew much more about this old engine than he did, but he empathized with his need to keep busy until they reached Galkava. - This seems like head-jumping to me, because it seems to be from Remington's POV. None of ever even knew until the day the Imperial soldiers arrived to arrest my mother. - I think there's a "them" or something missing in this sentence. Riley gave a brief glance back and the body - I think that "and" should be an "at". She could hear the surprised voices as men found the body, and slid most of the way down the ladder to avoid being seen. - The two parts of this sentence don't combine well for me. He fired at the nearest Guardsman and defended and attack - I think the second "and" should be an "an".
Esther Jade 2008-07-03 ch 19,	abuseWhat a sweet ending! I don't think it was too abrupt. If the conversation had gone on longer, I think it would have undermined the impact. I really liked the character-work in this chapter. Remington and Riley are slowly beginning to realise they're in love with each other (yay!). And I really liked the pieces with Madison and Snow. I think Madison has been a particularly good supporting character - she seems really well fleshed out. The plot seems to be moving along well and the chapter certainly held my interest! Minor points: Lord Denton was the only copperblood he’d ever gone against - I think there should be an "up" between "gone" and "against". Her eyes lingered back on the lanterns for a moment. - I don't know if you really need the "back". I think you've put it in because they're already walking away but I think the reader will understand that the "back" is implied and the sentence will read better without it. The Admiral might have acted more respectful - I think it's more correct if the "respectful" is a "respectfully" because you're describing the action. Madison looked at her with scrunched eyebrows - I know what you mean but I think "scrunched" might not be the best word choice.
Blackeri 2008-06-18 ch 20,	abuseSorry I dissapeared on you Narc. >< However, great chapters so far. I felt like Riley and Rem were really good together and you write beautifully on describing the ships and action. My only beef is that the kiss between Rem and Ri was short, but you're forgiven for that. ;) Great job bringing Cal back! See you in the next chapter!
MiroFTW 2008-06-08 ch 20,	abuseI'm going to be blunt when I say this chapter wasn't your best work. At least the first half of the chapter wasn't. The latter half was good. Now about the first half: I don't quite understand where you're going in the first paragraph. You have three different ideas jumbled together into one paragraph. [It was small and fast, and hanging over the side felt similar to flying on her aether ship.] -which feels like how? does the wind blow through her hair? is there constant dust clawing at her face? can she breath properly without the help of an oxygen tank? You need to explain. [On the Roanoke, she might as well have been in a city on land.] - City on land as opposed to city on air? I'm not sure what you're trying to get at there. Are you saying that the she feels trapped on the deck of such a large ship as the Roanoke? [Here, she couldn’t escape the spray of water as the ship sped toward her old prison home.] - I have a feeling you're not referencing this to how flying an aether ship feels like, but rather the conditions aboard Firerope as it skims the surface of the water. I was confused the first time I read that because it could've been referencing to "similar to flying her aether ship". If anything, make this line into a new paragraph because its a completely different idea. The next few lines of Remington landing his aether ship are very vague and only upon a third read-through did I understand what you were trying to say. Vagueness doesn't work particularly well when you're dealing with a unique technology of which the reader has no idea how it works (you told me about the hooks and lines, but not every reader knows about that and even then, I'm not a hundred percent sure on how the sequence works). If I were to reword it, it'd be something like this: The familiar hum of an aether ship flying overhead signalled Remington's return from patrol duty. She moved safely away from the landing zone and watched as the plane dipped downwards, quickly losing altitude. Her heart jumped quickly, anticipating Remington to miss the landing hook and come to a crash on the ship's flight deck. But he hadn't. He caught the hook and executed the rest of the landing sequence with relative ease. Or something along those lines. I'm not sure that's exactly what you meant, but that's what I'm interpreting from your text. The next few lines are also very vague, and I'm going to assume the lines "You cheated" Riley refers to is some kind of landing sequence, and "Is it that hard" refers to some kind of copperblood technique that Remington is practicing while flying the aether ship. If "it" refers to flying and landing the aether ship, then that second line after her question, "The copperbloods in her family...", needs to be in a new paragraph then. And even then, I have no idea what you're referencing to. I don't mind you interjecting Remington's past in his conversation with Riley... but from that, Remington comes off as a maniacal, revenge-driven character. That's more fitting of a villain's role... [...as she saw the telltale sweep of a Guardsman’s cape coming down toward them from above.] - remove "from above". Its extraneous and makes the sentence needlessly wordy. [Riley gave a brief glance back and the body and followed him to a ladder leading down to the engine. She could hear the surprised voices as men found the body, and slid most of the way down the ladder to avoid being seen.] Another confusing paragraph. I'm going to assume this is what you meant: Riley glanced backwards at the falling body before following Remington to a ladder that led to the engine room. Surprised voices of men discovering the Guardman's dead body echoed from behind, but she ignored them and slid most of the way down the ladder to avoid being seen. [She ran past him to the ladder that led to the main deck and plunged into darkness. Someone had cut the lines that powered the lights.] I mentioned this a few reviews earlier: steampunk, at least by most standards, does NOT use electricity, because everything is powered by steam. If you want, you can have the ship's lighting system be powered by very small aether crystals, but you'll probably have to explain that somewhere along the novel. [Despite being a small ship, the Firerope still had plenty or narrow passages and storerooms to hide. It could take them hours to search everywhere.] -Just how big is this ship? I'm assuming its the size of a small frigate. From the context, "hours" sounds more like how long it'd take to search an entire battlecruiser. There's also quite a bit of grammatical issues leading up to and through this point, but that can easily be taken care of with a re-read. The latter half of the chapter was a quick read and much more straight-forward than the first half. I don't read romance usually either so I may not know how scenes like this normally work, but their first kiss seemed perfectly fine to me. Other than that, I think I've made clear my opinions on what needs to be fixed. If you have any questions, feel free to email/reply and I'll respond when I get the opportunity. Looking forward to see where the rest of this goes. Update soon.
MiroFTW 2008-06-07 ch 19,	abuseI've been a bit behind on most of my reviews this summer so I apologize in advance for the tardiness of this. The overall chapter had somewhat of a tense atmosphere, and it sort of coincides with the relationship between Remington and Riley. To be honest, their relationship is a convoluted one. While I like that you've created characters that are neither black nor white (meaning that you've given them some depth that they're not just simply good/evil), I still can't relate to them. It could be that as a reader, I only read one chapter at a time, so it's hard to gauge them on a whole, but I still find both of them relatively distant. The incident where Remington tried choking her could be one example. I mean, if you're choking the protagonist under any circumstances (with the exception of a comedic Simpsons reference), the reader's going to take the person forcing the choke to be somewhat, to more or less a degree, bad. Sure, Remington has done good, and sure he could have killed her and didn't, but I don't think I've found it in myself to forgive him. Why would Riley EVER? He choked her for good's sakes! Madison shrugs it off as no big-deal, but come on. And then at the end of the chapter, where Remington comes out of his normal stoic self and goes to hug her. That was perhaps the hardest thing to swallow. All this time, he's been acting tough on the outside and then he just breaks out of character by hugging her just because she's leaving with him on a suicide mission? As far as Riley goes, I still find her to be distant even though she's the main protagonist. It could be a number of things; the fact that you sometimes refer to characters by military-hierarchy rather than by a last name. (Before you continue, I must say I only make this argument because Admiral Trowbridge doesn't seem like a secondary character who'll just sink into the background. Marines that aren't of the plotline can be nameless, but I'd consider someone as Admiral Trowbridge to be somewhat important). For example, in this chapter, the scene where the Admiral talks to the Empress, you only mention him as the Admiral and never as Admiral Trowbridge. As a reader, it seems subconsciously that Riley, the protagonist, sees him nothing more than just a rank and not as someone with a name and a background. For me, that seems a bit condescending. And it's not only done here, it's been done in previous chapters as well when you use the Captain, the Lieutenant, etc. I'd rather you'd have used the last names with the rank (ie. Admiral Trowbridge) so that not only there is a distinction, but that the person seems relevant and not just another nameless face. Riley herself is also hard to figure herself either. She generally seems to show no gratitude for much, doesn't really care for those around her (but she hasn't really had a reason to trust anyone), and at times shows little respect to most of the superior officers she encounters. With those traits, I find her really hard to relate to. I'm rambling again, but that's just how I've seen/remember the last few chapters going, and nothing much has really happened to change my viewpoint of her. In retrospect, I may have been a bit harsh on my words, but that's just how I see things. As far as the rest of the chapter goes, your prose is excellent as usual. Dialogue flows, and all the usual praise I give applies to the writing in this chapter as well. With the exception of Remington breaking out of character, the length of the conversation between him and Riley was okay. On to the next chapter.
Esther Jade 2008-06-05 ch 18,	abuseHello again! I've been meaning to catch up for a little while but been having Internet and busy life issues. ;) Hm, compared to your other chapters, this one felt like it didn't have as clear a direction as the others. Once I read the last sentence I could see why you chose to include what you did (and it was a nice strong ending) so I don't know if the lack of direction is an issue. But thought I'd mention it. I think I'm following Riley/Kendra's story now (I like the detail with the Admiral calling her Princess at the end). Obviously, there's still more I could learn about her but I don't feel particularly confused about anything. The Remington/Riley conversation was fine. It felt a little dull after some of their other interactions. I pointed out in my detailed notes one comment of his that particularly bothered me but overall it just didn't have the same snap-crackle as the others. Part of this I think is deliberate on your part but I think maybe it could have a bit more vigour. The deliberation section felt too long for me. The first half or so dragged quite a lot and I only got interested in it about two-thirds of the way in. I think it could probably be tightened up a bit. I was in a picky mood this evening so I've pointed out quite a lot of fairly minor word choice issues in my detailed section below. I hope it's helpful; anything that isn't, just toss. Just one slightly larger word choice issue I wanted to raise is that you use the word "look" quite a lot. Minor issues: Having a private cabin would have been nice if Riley hadn’t been a prisoner inside of it. - For some reason, something about this sentence bothers me. The flow is just funny for some reason. One suggestion might be "Having...nice but Riley was a prisoner inside it." I don't know... Her absence was starting to become noticed - This reads funnily to me. Changing "become" to "be" might help. Presenting that to the Admiral might do something in her favor. - Maybe I'm just irritable this evening but this sentence also reads strangely to me. I think changing "do" to "be" could help. Funny how the worthless piece of aether she’d brought back on a whim turned out to be such a valuable item. - Convenient. I think not! I'm personally not a big fan of really helpful things happening by mistake in stories but I suppose it does sometimes happen in real life. So it's not that unrealistic. A knock on the hatch interrupted her discovery. - She's made her discovery so this sentence bothers me a bit. Remington’s eyes only flickered over to her for a moment. - I know what you mean but "flickered" strikes me as not being quite the right word choice here. Also, I read somewhere that it's not such a good idea to make body parts the subject of the sentence as it smacks of disembodiment (still not sure if I agree with that advice but I thought I'd pass it along). looking bored with one leg bent and a relaxed posture - This reads oddly to me. The "a relaxed posture" totally confused me until I went back and realised it followed on from the "with". It just feels to far from it, to me (but then I seem to be in a picky mood). Remington she was used to. - I'd suggest changing "used to" to "knew". I think it would read better. Also, considering the next sentence, I would change the full stop to a colon. going on about he wanted you under his command. - I don't get this. I’ve seen your face when you witness death. I’ve seen you shoot men. But even when it’s your enemy, there’s that little bit of hesitation. - This piece of dialogue doesn't fit Remington, for me. He seemed to become intent on his boots again - I'm not sure about the "become intent" bit. The word choice here seems a bit weak. For years she yearned - I think the verb tense is wrong here. I think it should be "she had yearned" or, to shorten it, "she'd yearned". He was turned the other way - Not mad about the word choice here. Why did he anger her so easily? - Again, the word choice is bothering me. We use our divisions, - The speech marks are missing before this sentence.
Harmonic Discord 2008-06-02 ch 15,	abuseReview game! Wow... I think this was the best chapter so far. I really can't find anything to criticize. You had a perfect balance of action and dialogue, which I really liked. I loved the twist with Doc trying to put the blame on her; it was realistic but it took me by surprise all the same. It was also interesting to meet the Admiral for the first time. Not really certain what he was doing on the ship, but I trust you have a good reason. I feel like Remington's reaction was a tad bit out of character - just a little. I suppose his emotions may be clouding his judgment a bit, but I found it hard to buy that he would be quite so against Riley, particularly since they thought the spy had to have been aboard the ship BEFORE they infiltrated Galkava. I know Onslow says “We could have been wrong about the spy being the reason for them knowing that," but that explanation seems faintly contrived to me. In response to your questions... I found the logic very easy to follow; you did an excellent job. I really liked the dialogue; it was realistic and easy to understand. The flow was perfect - no complaints there. I found the escape believable. They're all taken by surprise by the revelation of her status, and I think it's safe to say that the marines would have hesitated to shoot down someone of such high rank. Minor details: Doc nodded, the red in his face fading. “It’s true.” “I know it’s true. How do you?” -- Awesome line. Riley straitened and met the Admiral’s eyes. -- "straightened"
bold gravy 2008-06-02 ch 20,	abuseI absolutely love this story! I love it when authors put so much thought into their work, and you certainly seem to have worked very hard on this. I'll be keeping an eye on this awesome read!
arirang 2008-06-01 ch 20, anon.	abuseAh, this is my favorite chapter, too. Finally, some intense action, both romantically and violently. Update. I hate all these cliffhangers you keep coming up with.
fairy Eva 2008-06-01 ch 20,	abuseAH! AWESOME! Oh wow. I love/hate that this was a cliffy. Amazing chapter! Please don't leave me hanging for long. Please make Blake Remington a real person so that I can jump him in the street. Pretty please?
Phantos 2008-06-01 ch 20,	abuseHOLY CRAP! I honestly think this was your best chapter so far (so I guess we can tell it was your favorite). How did the Imperial soldiers get on the ship? And how the HELL is Cal alive? And is Remington going to die? The kiss was perfect. You wouldn't expect it to be long and drawn out when they're in the middle of crisis. I really liked it. I also really enjoyed the way you ended the chapter. Cliffhangers are marvelous. That said, please, please bring the next chapter out soon. It'll be driving me insane until you do!
Elly 2008-06-01 ch 20, anon.	abuseI wanna read more! Good story.

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