Reviews for we can count millennia and still love the same

Reviews For: we can count millennia and still love the same

A Perfect Sonnet 2008-03-04 ch 1,	abuseI really liked how you played a little with the concepts of modern and way back when. It's a nicely subtle combination that gives some unexpectedly complex interest. "is to pay a ounce of": a should be an. Although, I'm half curious if it isn't intentional on your part (although I can't see why), just because you're generally very careful about those things. The "Scene."/"End Scene." bits are intriguing, but feel very awkward sandwiched in like that. I want them to be more separate, but I don't want them to be broken off in an entirely separate way. Maybe if they were in parentheses (but still at the beginning and end of those stanzas)? "A light on inside absolution" is a beautiful concept, but the connection with the second line feels a little vague. Absolution seems like it would be a positive (especially in an Adam and Eve context, where forgiveness/being released from guilt and sin would be a good thing). Normally I hate the word "shard" in poetry, but I love how you twisted it out of its usual context for this. "Picking apple shards" is a really excellent image and prevents not only the use of shards, but also the common apple reference, from being cliche. Grey (from "with grey fingernails") feels a little lackluster here. It doesn't bother me much, but for some reason (I'm not even sure why) it feels a bit too generic or something. I think it might be that this piece seems so carefully edited and as a result that one word suddenly matters more that it might in other situations -like it's just not up to par. Plus, the sighing indicates boredom and being resigned to something, but grey feels like angst and depression. While those things can overlap, I don't think that's your intention here. Love the concept in part three. It took me a second to register what was happening, but in a good way. It kept me actively thinking about everything. And you didn't write it like I was an idiot who needed you to spell it out blunt and boring for me. I appreciate that you stayed subtle about it and it's so much better for it. However, this apple reference worked slightly less for me here than the previous one. It's good, it's just not as great as the one before. The "Down maybe" has me somewhat confused. I mean, I can sort it into the storyline since you wrote it there, it just feels a little disjointed, like you over-edited there or something. You say "she's flicking up the light" and the way that it follows makes it feel like you just contradicted yourself. Love how you worked electricity into it though. (And the rest of that stanza flows gorgeously with a really great rhythm. Well, except for "End Scene," but that goes back to what I said before.) Also, "when all millennia want" seems like it would sound better as "when all millennia wants is to pay" or "when all millennia want to pay." I'm pretty sure I get what you're going for with how it is now, I just don't think it's translating clearly that way. I think changing it would improve the bigger picture. Otherwise the ending does a great job of wrapping it up and around in a tidy little circle (and I love when that happens).
she smolders 2007-02-20 ch 1,	abuseThe descriptive language in this is interesting to read and your message in the last verse is sadly true. I like this a lot.
Anaare 2007-02-12 ch 1,	abuseA wonderful idea and quite elegantly executed poem. The format is also very effective. All in all, a beautiful piece. Good work and thank you for the review. Greatly appreciated!
Vanishing Shadow 2007-02-07 ch 1,	abuseI like this one, not sure why exactly, just do. Poems and life are like that at times I guess. My thanks for reviewing 'Beauty'. I'm still mastering the fine art of line breaks...it hates me. -Le sigh- Ta-ta for now.
ronshaberry 2007-02-03 ch 1,	abuseHey! Ronsha here. Okay! So I really like the use of Scene/End Scene. It reminds me of that one poem by Gertrude Stein... I forgot what it's called... Pooh. The one that starts kind of like "I am me because my little dog knows me." You know that one? I really like that poem. Okay, no tangent! Even though that's really cool, it looks a little awkward. I would suggest capitalizing it, maybe? I know that capitalizing in a poem is so hard, but in a play, wouldn't they capitalize the Scene and End Scene? I'm not really sure - I'm not that familiar with play format, but I'm thinking it would look better that way? Well, I'm more familiar with screenplay, so I like that you keep with the play format thing by using present tense. A little thing that bugs me (I guess you could say it's more personal or whatever, not something you really have to take into account) is in the line "tomorrow cannot be fun." Which is that you use cannot. I mean, it's not like you don't use contractions at all. Using "cannot" kind of gives it a more highbrow, back-then feeling, but then you couple it in the same line with "fun", which is more modern. You know what I mean? Okay, that's very anal and probably nothing, but maybe you could think about it? :D In the last stanza, line 3 "is to pay a ounce of," do you mean "an"? Tiny grammatical error. You might want to fix that. I kind of dislike the sentence fragment thing, which gives it a more abrupt feeling. And having the serpent be called Serpent, without a 'the'... It's probably intentional, but it sounds a little weird. I'm not that well-versed in poetry, but I really like this. I mean for me, it kind of has an abstract flow to it, but it's still grounded at the same time. It has a kind of fun feeling to it, though I'm not sure if that's exactly the word for it, or what you were going for. It's got a really good beat to it, though - you know, the concise feeling you might get from reading a play. I like the mention of electricity... which I'm thinking they probably didn't utilize back then in the beginning of time? :D Anyway, it works well when coupled with millennia... that kind of feeling. Hehe. So like I say, I'm not that good at analyzing the meaning of poetry or anything, but even w/o that sort of innate ability or whatever, I definitely really enjoyed this. :) Anyway, I hope I helped. Like I said, I'm very young and inexperienced, so I'm sorry to not have been of more help to you. Cough. But I tried! Anyway. Good-bye. :)
Pretty Peaceful 2007-01-19 ch 1,	abuseFirst of all, thanks for your kind review, I really, really appreciate it. This poem is very... sensual. It's beautiful and it is almost haunting in the way it has been worded. Lovely.
bitterlyysweetchoco 2007-01-10 ch 1,	abuseIt was a little hard to follow and understand exactly what the message was or what the poem was really about. I have a little interpretation and image in my mind not quite sure if it's what the poem is about though.
emeraude-irlandais 2007-01-03 ch 1,	abuseSo true! The title adds a nice concrete feeling to what might be perceived as a rather abstract piece (the final stanza helps balance the contemplations well, also). I've always been fascinated with the whole idea of a poem constructed in terms of scenes, so "Scene" and "End Scene" cued (forgive me my puns) an instant interest in the piece. I love "Meaning to have/one last forgetful night", giving Eve a consciousness, a higher sense than as is commonly portrayed. Overall, a very polished piece (unless you're absolutely brilliant, and this came straight from your head, in which case I both apologize profusely for doubting you and bow in worship), and I look forward to reading more from you! `~bella~`
Michael Aliester Smith 2007-01-01 ch 1,	abuseYou display a rather unique writing style here. It's more a written painting than an exposition of verbs. I like it.

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