Frore's review pretty much sums it up. You might want to keep those things in mind...try developing the characters a little more.

Spelling mistakes are particularly off-putting. It's difficult reading a piece of writing when you're constantly picking up on mistakes. Checking spelling only takes a minute and it makes all the difference to the person who's reading your work.

Finally - is it Neo or Neon? Are they two different characters or did you change your mind about his name half-way through?! Continuity is everything!

Ah, a role play. A friend and I have one that is over 2,0 pages now. Very fun.

The first thing I noticed was that your sentence structures are very similar, because neither of them is varied. All have about ten words a piece, and it makes this entire story seem very monotonous.

I think it would be an improvement to both of your abilities if you would add in similes, metaphors, and descriptions, as well as some more emotion to your characters.

Also, spell check. “Her stomach was perfectly fat and every inch of her body was lightly muscled and toned.” Haha, fat? I think you meant “flat…”

But I am glad that you are both writing, and you are bound to improve with every emote.