This is pretty good! It's short, crisp and goes to the point... Good idea with the Billy Talent lyrics. The band's awesome. And so is this. )

I do not think this is bad at all. Better than what I have read on fictionpress today, in fact. I like the thought behind it, and how physical action took the back seat to emotion. Keep writing!

This isn't bad at all. It has powerful imagery, short, sweet, and to the point.