FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| emeraude-irlandais 2007-01-05 ch 1,  | abuseThe last 4 lines really work to save it from being too... existentially angsty, I think. My only critical comment is that "ticks" really shouldn't be used twice in such a short space of words-- could be a difficult word to find a synonym for, though. "a/ bucket full of tomorrow" (awkward line break, but semantics...) is a very cool image. I sort of got the picture of a silvery, swirling thick liquid. Interesting, how you can write only a few words and conjure a strong, concrete image. A unique idea for a poem, as well, despite the cliche of 'borrowed time', perhaps because you used 'borrowed time' as a cliche in the character's thoughts but not outside it? Hm... At any rate, it's a good poem! `~bella~` |
| BurntPopcorn 2007-01-05 ch 1, | abuseI like it. |