Reviews for Dask: A Hope of Light

Reviews For: Dask: A Hope of Light

Multicolored Berry 2007-04-17 ch 3,	abuseIntriguing chapter! I'm hooked. I do wonder though, wouldn't seers be a better term for the psychics? It is merely my opinion, but "psychic" seems so very modern to me, it doesn't really fit, you know? I am such a hopeless nitpicker. Your description seems to be in a goodly amount, albeit rocky once again. I still enjoy it. :)
AluminumMuse 2007-04-17 ch 1,	abuseWeird, we both have stories about magical theives. Very interesting, although some grammatical errors. Your begining is very strong, but it should be 'lay,' not laid, for lie, lay as opposed to lay, laid.
Multicolored Berry 2007-04-16 ch 2,	abuseLiking this story so far. It seems as though you explain more than is strictly necessary from time to time, which makes the go a little rocky. The only other complain I have is this: "Your Highness" is generally used to refer to junior members of royal houses, and never the king or queen. That would be "Your Majesty." You can check it out on wikipedia: Style (manner of address). Your dialogue is good though, very believable.
Multicolored Berry 2007-04-16 ch 1,	abuseVery nice backround information. I love the country names. With the prohecy at the start, though, I think it needs a period or two. I know it's supposed to be verse, but verse is often punctuated for clarity. It IS clear though, so it doesn't really matter. I like the idea of Manipulation! I've used it before, in fact, in a story I keep meaning to get back to, though I'm sure there are differences. Still cool to see it someplace else. Great minds and all, heh. :)
Experiment 156-SKYE 2007-04-06 ch 2,	abuseWhen the child grows older...i think he would enjoy hearing about this "search" for him
Miss Dridier 2007-03-28 ch 2,	abuseAnother excellent chapter, I like the direction this is heading. I'm sorry if you dislike me reviewing every single chapter, but I'd rather do it this way as I catch up so I can give the individual chapter the praise it deserves. I did note a few awkward lines, though. "The room was awkwardly quiet except for the occasional grunting for it was almost two in the morning." I'm fairly sure there's supposed to be a comma between 'grunting' and 'for', but as I have a tendency to overuse commas, you might want to check with someone else. ...Or just leave it as is. "then the person snapped, revealing its identity." It's a bit confusing as to /what/ snapped. I'm guessing that, since Leaii's identity was revealed, it was a cloak of some sort? "I bet the BPG members have already obtained this information and had got ready for searches for this child." This part near the end doesn't flow very well, with the 'had got ready'. I think had is the wrong tense for what you're trying to say. Maybe you could use something like 'have readied themselves to search for this child'? And on to chapter two!
Miss Dridier 2007-03-28 ch 1,	abuseAn excellent beginning - it sets a slightly suspenseful tone. Especially the part "Life hangs in the balance, and yet the gifts of all will be called, into betrayal..." I can't wait to see where this is going. And, by the way, thank you kindly for taking the time to review my story.
Anjirika 2007-03-09 ch 1,	abuseIntriguing prologue... ...will read more when I have the time (university essays and all that) but I like where this story is heading so far... oh, and thank you for reviewing my story. Shall read and review chapter 1 when I have the chance... ^_^
Deprecor 2007-01-21 ch 4,	abuseSince I'm giving comments and I read, I'll leave the praise for the end of the review if you don't mind. Your Author's Note makes me feel better about picking at specific things (still really sorry about that, I have a tendency to get over-critical) "Mendia, the capital of Ekete stood proudly at the center, also known as the pure city. " Instead of 'also', I think it should be 'was'. "Their parents were inside and began to sort out some troubles they’ve encountered." 'Began' should probably be 'beginning'. But I'm not sure so you might want to check that with someone else as well. "Although they were different by age, their appearances were almost exactly alike." This isn't a correction, but merely a suggestion. Maybe you should say 'identical' instead of 'exactly alike'. "Obediently, she obeyed, " Sounds a bit redundant... once again I'm really so sorry for picking at really minor things. "The minutes passed slowly and soon came upon the castle gates." Should there be a 'they' between 'and' and 'soon'? "The escort went down long arrays of hallways, Vince tried to remember where his room was going to be located, but failed." Put an 'and' between 'hallways' and 'Vince'. Near the end, when Leaii tells him to follow her, I found it odd that he didn't question her intentions since he seems like he would, or at least from what I can tell of his personalities. That was all I could find, but I might be missing some things. I loved the concept about the water magic and everything, but make sure you don't make them too powerful. It wasn't boring at all and has progressed wonderfully, keep writing and you'll soon have many reviewers. *May I have you permission to add this story to my C2, For All of Eternity?
Deprecor 2007-01-21 ch 3,	abuseReally nice chapter with a nice twist at the end as well. I especially love the scene where Leaii and her selected men were sneaking into the palace and killing people, beautifully written action there. But sometimes you tended to 'tell' the reader instead of 'show' them. Sorry if I sound rude/harsh sometimes, just trying to help. "Within the castle walls were the seven psychics left" The wording sounds a bit odd, should it be 'the seven psychics were left'? "Looking around to make sure that only these three had stayed." A sentence fragment that sounds as if you didn't finish it. "The two women were strong and would never give up." Sounds a bit out of place. Maybe add at the beginning of the sentence 'But he knew that...' "true one thought was true for they did live amidst the trees" The first 'true' is a bit redundant. I absolutely loved this chapter and can't wait to read on. Adding this to my Favorite Stories.
Deprecor 2007-01-21 ch 2,	abuseVery good descriptions and sense of mystery. I'll add minor suggestions as I read (I hope you don't take any offense to any suggestions): "The doorknob turned slowly and as the door opened, nothing was seen. The open door revealed the dark street..." You already said that the door was open, so perhaps skip straight to the description. "He looked like the average guy of Dask, " The wording sounds a bit awkward in comparison to everything else. Perhaps try 'He looked like an average man of Dask' Other than minor instances like that, it was pretty good. But the plot so far seems a bit cliche with a prophecy and two forces out to set their claim on it. I don't know what you plan on doing with it (or what's in the next to chapters) so that's just a thought.
Deprecor 2007-01-21 ch 1,	abuseInteresting so far, but the first paragraph seemed a bit... dragging. Perhaps you want to start with some action to reveal this prophecy and the setting's views on it. Perhaps some people getting in a fight over it or something. And on the scroll down list to view the chapters, you spelled Prologue incorrectly. Something very nitpicky, but it bothers me. Going on to read Chapter I and further (I hope you don't mind me posting my comments for each Chapter in a different review, it's tough for me to keep track all in one...)
MarkPenn 2007-01-09 ch 1,	abuseThanks for the review. Okay well I like where you're goin. Build up a story, design some plot, and give a sign of suspense in that last sentence. Keep going you have something here.

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