|Reviews for Early Moon|
| Halcyon Impulsion 7/29/11 . chapter 1
I like this piece. I wonder if it might be more powerful with fewer answers, leaving the questions for the reader to ponder. You have some lovely lines in this. My favorite part is:
When it'll be more than pretty colors sloshed
on a blank canvas
With sad lines drawn to hold it in.
there's no moon with early eyes,
to see the rising embers in the coiled marshes.
LOVE "coiled marshes" :)
| deliriousity 4/5/08 . chapter 1
self explanaotry yepyep!...nicely written !
| Rynx-too-genki 12/17/07 . chapter 1
Very nice! A definite fav!
| Duzzie 4/14/07 . chapter 1
It's really very wonderfully written, as all of your works that I've read have been (they always always are).
I loved the structure and form of the poem, the way you centered and double spaced was a really nice touch, I think.
(By the way, When She Cries is still haunting my sleep and mind, I can't get it out of my head. The story the characters, every bit of the way it was written is etched into every cobweb corner of my mind now and I've only read it four times over. I admire your work deeply and hope to learn from it.)
| Midnight In Eden 2/3/07 . chapter 1
I'm a bit puzzled by the choice to do it in center alignment and without stanzas. Left aligned and with would I think make this structure a lot cleaner. Your punctuation and capitalisation are a bit off too. For capitals, you've occasionally started a line with one randomly. Best rule of thumb is to only use capitals after a period, with a propoer noun or for emphasis. Capitalising the first word of each line is an old tradition in poetry but one that I don' think would mesh well with your contemporary content.
Perhaps just look at revising your punctuation as well. With the brackets it feels a bit off around them. Such as with line six, the period should be after the brackets and I don't think that lines ten through thirteen should be bracketed, stanzas would help emphasis more I think. Same with line seventeen. It feels lost after the previous thought and not connecting to the next line. Perhaps incorporate it rather than keep it on the outer.
In regards to language, it's not bad at all. A few points, why use "very cold" when there are much better adjectives? It reads a little lazy. The "blank canvas" idea isn't bad but reads a little cliched. The birds idea, to me, doesnt seem to link up with the two lines following it. I think you need to clarify a connection a little better. I do quite like the
"But old men keep dreaming,
And the children keep seeing"
except I think you could take out the and to let it flow a little better. And maybe emphasise the age of the children as you do the men.
Otherwise, very interesting. I think with an edit this could really reach even further.
| Aquafied 1/17/07 . chapter 1
the park’s been empty for years now,
But old men keep dreaming,
-it is dastardly unhopeful
it makes me upset
and it is pointedly wonderful
| with.You.in.mind 1/14/07 . chapter 1
Sefl-explanatory, indeed. Nice job. :)
| ronshaberry 1/11/07 . chapter 1
This is definitely a kind of new style of yours, but I think it's also one of the most heartfelt things you've written. You can really feel the disillusionment going on, but you write it in such a new way and almost give it its own happy ending with your poetic images. Good job, as usual. :D
| Moondog Dozier 1/10/07 . chapter 1
"there's no moon with early eyes", is so exquisitely unique. I really like the questioning aspect, and the wonderment of the unknown that you've established. The whole emotional setting really lifts this above everything that simple thinking entails. Excellent work.